There is so much to do and I feel so overwhelmed.
I feel too old, but I know I'm not and then I'm worrying my life away.
I feel like time is ticking away, but I feel like it's too late.
I worry too much what others think of my choices.
I have a good job, I make a living. I'm grateful, especially in these times. I try to make the best of what I'm doing and learn as much as I can so I am a wide-eyed and educated woman.
But I don't want to be stuck working in a mundane, non-challenging, non-mentally-stimulating-environment as an administrative assistant at a bank for the rest of my life, making $35,000 a year (gross).
I'm scared that I need to have $20K in savings before I can make any drastic life-changing decision. Realistically, I will never reach that without being miserable. I have student loans to pay off, education to finish funding, a living to make, a savings to stash. It will be years before I can reach that, and I don't want to be at a bank typing in the same templates every day for the next seven or eight years.
There are so many opportunities. I miss the years when I did volunteer work all the time, when I was involved with everything.
I'm trying to finish school now. I find myself asking if I'm sure of what I want to do. How I'm going to afford it. What exeperience do I have to achieve my dreams? Am I worthy of my dreams?
Opportunities. Americorps, interships, study abroad, research grants. I'm fearful to jump into any of these because I feel like I will not receive approval of leaving my job...my mundane, stepping-stone job that I am in solely to make money. I understand my blessings, but it's just starting to not feel like the right thing to do.
I could get free...FREE...training in the AmeriCorps. Get money for school. Get experience and network with people to get awesome career opportunities instead of just reading about all my friends that get the awesome opporunities. I could get free certification. (Doula training is on the top of my list in the AmeriCorps).
I could quite my job and work a part time job like any other college student. I'd make less money and have enough to qualify for educational grants and student loans...it would equal out in the end. I could go to school full time and FINISH school. I could study abroad.
And who knows...my significant other could be along one of those life paths. I could find amazing opportunities, meet beautiful, wonderful people.
I could move away from Utah.
But I'm scared. Scared of disapproval. No support. I'm old enough that I need to choose to do these things on my own, without support. It's just nice to have an emotional cheerleader.
I feel caged in my 8-5 job, a victim of a greed for money and a victim of mundane living. There is no real quality to my life. I'm no contributing anything. How do I expect to reach any of those dreams if I lug myself in and face the blinding flourescent lights every day?
Prayer is a crucial component that I need to visit.
Why was I born to want to do everything?