6/27/09
To The Delaware News Journal,
I want to thank you for the many times you’ve given me the pleasure of being a feature story in the paper regarding Michael Jackson. It’s always been fun and exciting to work with you, and to celebrate Michael with you. I wanted to send you a little thought on how I’m feeling right now regarding the death of Michael Jackson:
Maybe it’s hard for people to understand how it feels right now to be a Michael Jackson Fan. Let me try to paint a picture. Imagine your muse, your sole inspiration, someone who you look at as an integral part of your life. To you, they are the most beautiful human being because they are so surreal….almost magical. The sound of their voice soothes you, you are comforted by the sight of them, you are shaken by their every move. It’s this person to whom you hide deep inside when the outside world is hurting you. You tune out the world and only hear the sound of their voice and only see the rhythm of their feet. Through the deaths of family and friends, you turn to them, through your own encounter with abuse, you turn to them, and when you see them suffer, you pray for them. This is the person who reminds you that there is a God and he is capable of creating greatness.
Now imagine you spending more than 25 years loving this person, caring for this person, praising this person’s great talents, and defending this person from the cruelness of those who can’t or won’t see them for what they have to offer to this world.
Now see this person gone. Passed away so suddenly and so tragically.
NOW, see the world love him, accept him, praise him. See the world use words like Genius, Icon, Amazing, Kind, Giving, Humanitarian, Magnificant….words you’ve used all along to describe this person with great sincerity and with true emotion. Listen to them saying it right now, listen to how different the words are this time. No wacko jacko, or strange, or weird, or troubled…..Keep listening…. Imagine how great it would have been for that person to hear those things and know how much they were loved, not just by you, but by the world. Imagine that person having no need to mask their physical and emotional pain with substance abuse, surgeries, and isolation. How grand that would’ve been.
Now, imagine the emptiness. Imagine the quietness. Imagine the void. Imagine the tears.
Now SEE Michael Jackson. Finally, with an open heart and an open mind, really look, and SEE Michael Jackson.
That’s how it feels. The evening that Michael Jackson passed away, was the evening I became a different person. Not a new person, not a better person, just a different person. My light has dimmed, never to shine so brightly again. From this point on, I’m an actress. An Oscar winning one I might add. You will see me ACT like I’m laughing, you will see me ACT like I’m over it, you will see me ACT like everything is okay. It’s not. For this is something in which I foresee no recovery for myself.
The abuse I spoke of earlier, perhaps my darkest moment as a child, was one of the most challenging times of my life. Imagine how years later, when I saw Michael being charged with a crime of that same nature, how that broke my spirit. How could the worst thing that happened be combining with the greatest thing that has ever happened to me? It was my ultimate test. The test was not simple. Do I go with my natural instinct and believe the child because I know how it feels to not be believed…..or do I take a chance and go with my heart and take him on his word. I decided to take him on his word. Not because it was the right or wrong thing to do, but simply because it was what I needed to do for me. And I left it there, unresolved, forever. So no, we who loved him were not blinded by his fame. We too acknowledged the allegations. For me, there were many times of doubt, and worry. But I loved him. So I stayed.
I owe a lot to Michael Jackson. I am one of the very lucky people who were chosen and blessed to have loved him while he was here with us. What fun I had riding the rides at Neverland and eating all Michael’s candy on two separate visits. Oh, how mesmerized I was seeing him live for the first time in Munich, Germany…how exciting it was to attend fan club conventions in Colorado and New York, how incredible it was to meet him in New York at the Virgin Mega Store, how fortunate I was to be sitting in row ONE of his televised 30th Anniversary concert and be blessed to have a great seat on night two as well with my cousin Ronald! And let me not forget the friends….People from all over whom I would never have met under any other circumstances. Vitta, Shantelle, Reva, Susan, Jose, Latifah, Freddie, Pete, Leigh, my heart – Christopher, and a host of others including the staff I work with at the Michael Jackson Fan Club (mjfanclub.net). I will never forget a young lady named Beatrice. She was from Spain. We first met outside of Michael’s hotel in Germany. The second time we met, we were both at Neverland. The third time we met, she was behind me in line to meet him in New York at the Virgin Mega Store. So far apart, yet always so close. And I think of the time I worked as the East Coast Chapter Leader of the King of Pop Fanatics. We had lunch in New York and VH-1 had asked to come with us. They ended up paying for our lunch and recording some great footage. Later, they would contact me to borrow from my spectacular MJ collection. They needed some items for an upcoming show they did that later became known as “The Fabulous Life of Michael Jackson”. The story detailed his career and when they spoke of various merchandise, everything they used in the show belonged to me. And yes, I did get it back! At the end of the show, the very last credits read, SPECIAL THANKS TO VERNAY LEWIS. And I recall sitting there in the Santa Barbara court room the one day that I attended his trial just so I can say I was there for him…and I really was….about seven rows back, but I was in the room and it was a good day of testimony. Although news reporters that night would say otherwise. Oh, and the one and only time he did an online chat. Fans from around the world logged in to try to get their question picked since he was only set to answer about 25 of them. What are the chances out of all those people that you would have a shot at having your question answered by Michael Jackson. Well, I did. He picked my question. I have the audio version on disc. I was in tears and stood there in disbelief…I was so happy, so honored.
Really, I could go on and on about the experiences and people that have brought me joy in these 25 years as a fan….Loving him was an honor in which nothing else will ever compare. I just keep repeating “how lucky I am to have loved him”…..
I am eternally grateful to God for making me the person who I am. He allowed me to open my heart to a man whose life was full of ups and downs and he made me strong enough to bare it and ALWAYS have his back….I wasn’t always on his side, but I always had his back.
I am eternally grateful to the 75+ text messages, the facebook and myspace messages, the phone calls, the flowers, and the cards I’ve received….people get it. They get me. They understand how significant this lost is for me….for all of us really. He wasn’t just a favorite singer and people understand that. And I love them for that.
Thank you for taking the time to listen. And THANK YOU MICHAEL JACKSON for all that you did to make my life full of wonderful and joyful experiences. You let me see the world. I LOVE YOU NOW AND FOREVER.
Love Always,
Vernay Lewis
Always and Forever, Delaware’s #1 Michael Jackson Fan