hmmm ... interesting... and you are right i did not view you as a parasite living off of me... you and i...we are closer than friends... and i would do it all again. As for you being worthless because of your parents...that is not true. You have no control over what your parents do. It is your mom's loss because she chose liquor over you...and your dads loss for being a dick (sorry) and those girls who said they would never leave you...well that is their loss too. and you are right... going through those things does not make you better than everyone else...but it certainly does not make you beneath everyone, it does make you tougher than most people...stronger and more able to handle life's problems and difficulties... but i dont ever want to hear you say you are beneath anyone again... it took me a long time to see that i was not beneath everyone else like i grew up believing... and im not about to let you cast yourself in that pot. there are other things i could say but i dont want to go on and on and on in this response to your blog. but i will say one last thing. I have always known...and will never doubt...just how great a person you are.... beneath no one... above several... and capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for a lot of times. Just remember...at least one person out there (and im sure there are more than you know) thinks you are someone who deserves to be looked up to and not down upon.

 

I agree completely with what Greg said... But I have a few things to add. I have never once viewed you as worthless. As long as I've known you, you've been an awesome person and a great friend. You know as well as I do, that there are a few of us that knew at least a small bit of what you kept hidden. Which came just by knowing you for as long as we have. I've always tried to be there for you when you had something you needed to talk about and you were there for me after my shit with 'her' went down. I will always greatly appreciate every one of you guys for keeping me sane through that. I've always been proud to call you friend and I don't plan on ending that anytime soon. Well... I'mma end this before I keep rambling, lol. By the way, it'll be great to have you home in November, woot.

 

excuse i put my life on hold and worked extra to provide for you on my own when you were growing up and didn't start drinking until my best friend my mom died. i didnt start drinking until you were old enough to take care of yourself. and at the time i was trying to get you to go to college and you blue that off. so you no what i felt like i didnt raise you good enough and why sit there and watch you throw your life away when i could just be drunk and not pay attention. i have alot right now cause i have found a good man to take care of me and it only took me 40 years to do it. so you want to say i drank all our money up your a fucking lie yer . i worked overtime and then you bitched about me being gone when you were growing up. i did nothing but tell you that you were better than everyone else so that really is my fault. i love you but fuck you have to think what it would be like to raise a child by yourself. and watch him do nothing with his life no matter what i did. i proud of you for going into the army. and if you really do feel like that about me i will give you what you want and i will leave you alone until your ready to be my son again.


love you.

 

you know it's kids like u that piss me off, it's easy for u to blame your parents for every thing that just don't go rite in life. both my mom and dad were alcoholics.. drunks,i was forest to quit school at 14yrs old, it had nothing to do with parents being drunks, it had everything to do with me being a fuck up. u know just maybe if u wasn't fucking up at school so much and did the rite things and tried to treat every one like u would like to be treated just may be your mom wouldn't have turned to alcohol. so i think u need to step off the pity trip u r on and look at what u could have dun to help your mom the one that took care of you, i bet u never lived in the street with nothing,your mother did the best with what she had and what she could make. and every time u get on this pity devin trip, u just push her farther n farther in to the bottle. no one is perfect. she love's u with all her hart and all u do is down grade her if u cant say any thing good about your mother then don't say anything at all u make your life what it is. if this pisses u off so be it.
(david)
 

then my reply to my mom is...i was 15 when she died, i wasnt old enough to take care of myself. and i didnt go to college because i didnt know what i wanted to do with my life, walking in a circle with your head down isnt a way to find that, so i tried to sit back and find what i wanted to do with my life, i'm sorry i took so long to find out that i wanted to be army, but if you look back i never said you were like that all the time, its just how i remember you, and what i remember most about you. coming home drunk every night and crying because guys didnt want you or because you blamed yourself for grans death. it tore me apart more than you or most anyone else knows, you did do you best with me, up untill that. you did sacrifice alot for me. up untill that. you have been a good mother up untill that. and that was 2 years of the worst hell that i could imagine. i've told you this once but i guess your to drunk to remember. you were the strength i had. and your the reason i understand so much. you had to do those things for your son so you did without question when bad things happened, you kept moving forward making it seem like it was only a hitch in the plan. but that changed, and now i dont remember you like that. i remember the nights when i had to force you to go to bed because you were so drunk and depressed and pissed off you were just screaming at the top of your lungs "why?", just to make it clear when i talk about the shit, thats what i'm talking about so thanks for letting me explain...





and to david, your right i hate kids that blame their parents to, but if you actually read and understood what the hell that was suppost to mean i guess the message would have sunk in and i wouldnt have to explain it like that, if you read what i wrote then you can see that the only thing i'm blaming them for is leaving me alone, thinking they didnt care. but out of all the people i guess you should understand that huh, i guess your parenets were always acholics, mine wasnt she was a great fucking woman that slowly destroied herself, and i was there for 2 fucking years treating here like i wanted to be treated, i was helping her in everything, trying to get her to stop drinking, telling her to stop nicly, I TOLD HER, i tried to help her, i tired everything, i got jobs to try and make her pround, i did things that she'll never tell you about because its easier to say "oh he's on his pity trip again" and the reason i always quit was because well, LOOK AT THE FUCKING EXAMPLE, my mother was a strong proud woman most of her life, and then she just quit on fucking life, and i was there to help her, but every time i tried something she didnt quit like she was laughing in my god damn face because she didnt care enough to quit. you tell me i should have tried more, i tried, and eventually i gave up trying and guess what now i'm the bad guy for leting her choose to continue to drink which drove me away, not the other way around, if you want to go back then we can go back because all this is, all this excusses about me hating her, isnt the soul reason she's drinking, its just another excus in a long line she has.
and i did my fucking best to try and fix her, but i slowly realized i couldnt do shit, and i wasnt going down because the person that used to be everything decided that life wasnt worth it anymore, so i'm sorry if you havnt heard this particular side of the story, its hard to see it drunk, it was she hasnt told you
 

I'm love you and if you ever need me i am just a phone call away. I'm tired of trying to explain what i have done.


I'm sorry that i made your life miserable at anytime in your life. I'm sorry. and i no your tired of that and it dont mean a hill of beans to you anymore. but your my life and i would die without you, im sorry and i love you with all my heart.

 

then why couldnt you stop for me, you know why your explainations dont mean squat to me, because i heard them for two years, how much you loved me and how much you wanted to quit so that you didnt have to put me through all that shit. but if you really did, why didnt you quit for me, thats all i ever asked, it wasnt anything diffcult, like stop smokeing pot, which i did for you.
it wasnt anything difficult like living off of ramen so that we could have the extra money so i could get some stuff to make me happy, but i did that without you asking didnt i, and you always say how much i mean to you, but when it comes down to it, and i say chose, achol or me, how come your still drunk when your suppost to love me so much
 

ya know what, i'm tired of you ending with that self rightous shit, you say your just a call away, but you still dont fucking get it, you do this ever single fucking time and now i'm tired of it, i sit back all the time and say to myself, hey maybe its for the good of you to keep believing that your doing the right thing...well your fucking not. in the end do you know why i call every few months, only to talk to you for a while and see how your doing. its just that, its not that come back because i'm scard that you wont accept me, i come to see if your still drinking, and you prove me right every time...that you wont change that you will keep just hiding in your bottle, and ya know what, now that you have one thing going for you...now you feel like you have a place to talk down to me again. well fuck that, you tell me to come back to you when i want to be your son again...i tired being your son and ya know what, you chose the bottle over me, when i tried to show you a way without it you just ignored me like i was the ignorant one, and you call that being a mother, no, its not me thats not being the son its you that havnt been a mother you say i'm your life, when its convient for you. but i'm not that convient when you start drinking huh, i'm not that important when every time i told you stop, and you kept going. wtf honestly, you say all the stuff that you have done, that you dont want to explain what you have done. want you to think about all the selfrighous shit you keep spewing at me, when did that all happen. yes, you worked over time to provid for me, granted. yes you keep my happy and well fed, granted, yes you sacraficed for me, granted. but guess what, i'm not talking about what you did then, i'm talking about what i left you for. the last two years that you didnt do any of that shit. oh but thats all you want to think about huh, that you sacraficed those years, but then what did you do, you gave the fuck up, you quit doing all of that, you quit sacraficing, you quit providing, and you took all you could for yourself, and i tried to help you just like you taught me to, and you took that to. then i tried to help YOU, like YOU taught me to, but you just ignored me. and then every single time i tried to do something that would make you proud you threw it in my face that it would never be like that again by going to the bottle and drowning yourself in it. thats why i quit, thats why i never thought that anything was worth it, because wtf was i suppost to do, when my life, the person that was suppost to care for me provide for me, just fucking quit, was i just suppost to keep on going, like the person that taught me to, which was the fucking person quiting on me now...you think that was a good fucking influence, and ya know what pisses me off the most...if you actually fucking read the blog that started this fight, if you had actually paid any fucking attention to what the fucking blog was about, i was saying that DESPITE what had gone on in my life. i keep going, that i had that shit happen but noone could tell because i am a strong fucking person, and that now, i wanted this woman, brisa to know what had gone on in my life so that we could make a future, but all you heard was me say that it was you that made my life suck, WHEN THIS WASNT EVEN ABOUT THAT. that itself proves how fucking selfous and self rightous you are. when i'm talking about how low class i was, and despite that, i've become something better and that i might end up happy with some that i love...all you fuckin heard was how low class, and decided that since your not SUCH a fucking horrible person now, you actually had a fucking place to stand and a rock to throw...god i just wish you'd quit being so fucking stuborn and actually fucking listen when i tell you things...maybe then i wouldnt have to do shit so big, maybe then i wouldnt have to be so fucking nasty about things...maybe then, your be a mother again
 

listen Devon you know I care about you and i don't want you to take this the wrong way but..... FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that you havent had a good life and I know mine is better than yours and blah blah blah but no one's lifeis perfect and you just have to keep moving forward no matter have hard it is. either you move forward on your own or your draged on by time. I know Greg was there for you in giving you a home and food and whatever and he is a great friend.... but there were other people there who were there for you too. I sick and tired of being looked over when you say all the girls that have come into you life thought you were ugly and you were worthless and didnt care about you problems. But i did. i cared. i still care. I would have listened to you without judgement just as you did for me. but of course as usual im just some piss ant girl in someones live that can be easily forgotton even though I put my feelings out there only to get shot down. I think about you everyday and I hope everyday that you are ok and you dont even care. so you know what ....... whatever..... im sick of trying.........you can't find love, you have to let it find you, that's why it's called falling in love, beacuse you dont force yourself to fall you just fall.

 

I doubt it's even my place to say anything... but dude come on.






I've known you for how many years? We used to do all kindsa shit.... sure there was the drugs and whatnot, but even those were good times...





I remember a time when we used to get stoned together and didn't give a shit about anything else. A time when the world wasn't so complicated... if we wanted to go out, we went out... it didn't matter if it was three in the morning and it was past the curfew. Hell, we even got fined for being past curfew once... but it was some funny shit. That was probably the best four years of my life that we spent in highschool.






I used to think I knew you better than anyone else... I probably don't anymore... and I know I personally made some bad decisions, and some bad things have come between us, but fuck dude, you're still a friend.






Sometimes you think the world would be better without you... but to be blunt, I wouldn't.



Seven years ago, I was quiet, completely and totally anti-social, and afraid to do anything fun at all. That's when I met you... if I hadn't have met you, and you hadn't have gotten me to take that chance and do things I hadn't done... or even do things I said I'd never do, I'd still be that person. Even if being that person did get me somewhere in life, I wasn't happy... I only found out what real happiness and enjoyment in life was until after I met you and you convinced me not to be such an anti-social, afraid-to-do-anything, pussy. Maybe you didn't do it directly, but seeing you, and how you were so seemingly fearless, that is what made me start to come out of my shell in the first place.






Okay yea, you did your shit that fucked me over, but I did shit that fucked you over too, if not worse. But fuck... you gotta take the good with the bad. It's better than what I could have turned out to be.






Stop being so hard on yourself sometimes... You've always done that...
 

Sorry, I was at work when I started writing, and I just got home, so now I have a chance to finish.




Don't say your life is worthless, because without you, many of us wouldn't be the people we are today.


Trust me, I can honestly say I'm a happier person.




You said people haven't seen you cry over these things... I know I've seen you cry at least once...



You said in that survey you filled out for me, that the thing you hated the most about me was that we are the same... I don't you if you realized it at the time, but that's one of the best compliments anyone's ever given me.




If we are really the same... then you probably feel the exact same way I do sometimes... you feel as if nobody likes you, and that they only lie to you because they feel sorry for you and don't want you to feel bad... but in actuality that's not true at all... you're that lovable guy that people like simply just because of who you are.




If you really do feel worthless, and you do think we are the same... well, that compliment just felt like an insult.

 

first to kayla, your right, you were always a good friend, and you were always someone that was their for me, even though i never really gave you what you were looking for. i always appriciated it when you showed you care about me. i dont know why i never saw you in that light, i guess it just never accured to me. i'm sorry for the heart ach and the misery i put you through and i dont know what i can do to make it right with you.
but if you think of something tell me and i try my best to fix this
 

now to matt. you right you have no room to talk...to tell you the turth...you were my best friend, my closest person in the world, and you did know me better than anyone else, but somewhere along that path, we parted, because of everyone even you assuming that i was guilty of something, that i was innocent of...the first second and thrid time...i never once slept with any of your girlfriends...but regardless those were good times, me my best friend having fun...it was great, i had a home and security...then my gran died, then my best friend left my side and my mother destroyed herself, but you werent there for that...you didnt get to see everything i loved and everything i care about ripped from my hands, time and time again, because every time i had hope it was taken from me, and every time i had a dream it was shattered in front of my face like the world itself was mocking me...i was thrust headlong into the worst misery i ever had and probably will ever see, but, you had a hand in that, and i've forgiven you your misgivings...and i want to say something about weather it was an insult or a compliment to be like me...but in truth, i cant tell sometimes...your right, some times, i feel as if i'm worthless, as if every thing i do is for nothing and that even if i try it wont fix anything, but then some times i can see, truely how much i touch people and give them the hope they need, by simply being as strong willed as i am...because some how, even when i am cast into darkness i continue forwards, even when all i want to do is give up continue forwards, and even when all seems lost i fight for what i believe is right...and even though some times, i'm so tired of fighting, i'm soo tired of trying and everything is mounted aginst me in every way, i dont let that stop me...and its that spirit i talked about in this blog, its that unsermountable will that i speak of...because yes all that did happen...but like i said in the blog "that because i made it through those, events. that i have those experiencs that i'm better than almost everyone around me."....because i did make it through, thats what i was talking about, maybe i did weight heavyly on how people told me i was worthless through there actions...maybe i did say that i started to believe that it was true, because i was told it by so many people, but through my actions, it didnt break me...but i dont want people, like i was stressing in my blog, to think that i was some kind of person to be loved because he didnt show weakness...because thats what that was about...i was telling people, this is what happened to me...and despite that, i made it to where i am...despite the scars i have, despite the metal problems i have...i've made it to a point where i might be happy and finally feel like i worth something...because even though i may be something special to all of you...i still feel like a failure because even though i may inspire people, and help people to be who they really are, or really need to be...i still felt like i wasnt who i needed to be, like i wasnt as good as i could be...like there was still a part of me missing...and i guess thats why it gets to me that everyone keep saying things like that...because maybe i dont feel like i'm whole...maybe i dont feel like i'm as good as i good be, so i feel worthless because i'm not doing everything i could...but noone would understand that, because i always talk about myself so cryptically...but maybe...just maybe i can find that missing piece of myself and finally be happy...or isnt that what i've been saying in that blog all along
 

now last and least before i get some kinda fucking torrent of shit i have to deal with...HOW DARE EACH AND EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU JUST FUCKING IGNORE THE FACT THAT I DEDICATED MY LOVE TO SOMEONE...every single fucking comment has been about this shit that i put about how bad my life WAS...when it wasnt even about that, it was about what i have been through and that i might be able to love this girl despite everything and that i wanted her to know the pain that she was having to work through so we could have a future...and everyone thats commented just ignore that and fucking tried to ether reassure me i wasnt worthless or pick at my already festering wounds.....you...sons a bitches
 

i love you and you will always be in my heart


 

Yes, I read your bulletin and I've read every post here. All I want to add is. I discussed the girl you love with you in-game. I know it wasn't much, but there's not really much to say when it comes to stuff like that. I gave you my small piece of advise... The best I could muster at the time and didn't feel it was relevant to repeat here. In that factor, you know the two of us want that same thing. We've had discussions about this for hours. You already know and I told you when we talked about it. I really really hoped that it worked out for you and I told you to be careful. Because I do want to see you, one of my best friends, happy. But, I don't want to watch you hurt yourself trying to get it done. For the record, my last comment was nothing but speaking highly of you. Whether this pisses you off or not, you know where to find me and no matter how you reply to this. I'll continue to speak highly of you and call you friend.

 

hey we gotta talk
 

oooops i did not mean to write that there. well, um...delete it? sorry