Ok, so more time has passed, and less bloggage has occurred, but I've been saving up stuff for a week for a good one.

Went to watch my beloved Villa get trounced by Man Utd who were rubbish by-the-way and were gifted the first two goals and the third was an OG. They also missed a penalty. Blame Shrek.

The Doc and I sat in the Holte End with the hard core Villa faithful singing our bollocks off. Some of the songs are very funny and I am thus providing Myspace's First Football Singing Lesson.

The main Villa songs are as follows:

(To the tune of Winter Wonderland)
Birmingham, are you listening?
To the song that we're singing?
Walking along, singing this song,
Shitting on the 'City as we walk.

and then there's this little gem:

Yippee-Ai-Yay
Yippee-Ai-Yow
Holte Ender's sing a song.

Natty.

Of course, then there's the sponaneous goal song when Gabriel Agbonlahor scored (first btw):

(To the tune of Karma Chameleon)

Gabby, Gabby, Gabby, Gabby, Gabby Agbonglahor
He likes to score, he likes to score...

Awesome.

And then the Man Utd specific taunts like this:

Please support your
Please support your
Please support your local team
Please support your local team.

Followed by (To the tune of Long Way To Tipperary)

"It's a long way, back to Surrey, it's a long way to go...."

And finally in pure exasperation at how bad the Man Utd supporters are at actually supporting (because none of them ever go o a home game because it's too far away, so they don't know the songs)...

4 -1 and you still don't sing...

and

Shall we sing a
Shall we sing a
Shall we sing a song for you?
Shall we sing a song for you....?

After two red cards at 4 - 1 down, just after Stuart Taylor saved Wayne Rooney's penalty the crowd started on the referee. Bit harsh so I didn't join in. In fact, despite aggreeing that the referee was fucking awful I did feel disappointed in my fellow villans' lack of respect with the song "Rob Styles is a Paedophile".

Gutted, beaten and thoroughly looking forward to the smug middle-class Egg Chasers getting a kicking from the South Africans we retired for the evening.

I don't understand rugby at all. It's like 26 blokes on a pitch with an egg, and one bloke called a referee shouting "Bundle...."

Ok, so, other stuff I've been working on. The Doc and I partook of our first wedding anniversary last month and it was a disaster. Not wanting to waste the opportunity of threatening legal action, here is my letter to Whittlebury Hall in Towcester...

Mr. D. *******
* **** *****
Turvey
Bedfordshire
MK** ***

Monday, 22 October 2007

Dear Ms. Cauwels,

Ref:    Stay on September 16th

After a recent and very unsatisfactory visit to your establishment I complained to Mr. Adam Underwood who was the duty manager at the time of my visit. So severe was the nature of my complaint that Mr. Underwood promised a full refund and a voucher for my wife to return on another occasion in order to use the Spa, which she was unable to do.

We have just received a letter (over a month later) from Mr. Underwood offering both myself and my wife an opportunity to stay again, but as yet we have not been refunded for our previous visit. Not only has Mr. Underwood failed to live up to his promise, not refunded us and written to us over a month later with a voucher for further accommodation which we do not want, but he has failed even to get the date of our original visit correct.

Please allow me the indulgence of explaining the particular horrors associated with our visit:

My Wife and I booked to stay on 16th September for our First Wedding Anniversary. The deal was £185 for a room, a meal, breakfast and a day in the Spa.

Upon arrival we were dealt with at the front desk, given our room key (217) and directed up to our room. Ten minutes after entering the room we discovered someone else's luggage in our wardrobe. We called down and a member of staff (Maria) was sent up to collect the luggage. I asked to be moved to another room but was told it was unnecessary as they guaranteed nobody could enter our room and get to our possessions. I enquired as to whether they'd provided the same guarantee to the gentleman (Mr. Kinder) whose possessions we'd had access to, but the irony of this was obviously wasted on a member of staff who had no inclination to move us to another room, despite further protestation from both my Wife and myself. Neither of us was confident that we would not suffer an intrusion, and we were left feeling unimportant and largely ignored.

An hour later we went down for dinner. We were served by a young man of eastern European descent (I'm afraid neither of us can remember his name). We both ordered the Filet Mignon and a good quality wine. Twice we had to send the wine back because the young waiter had brought the wrong bottle. Aside from this the meal was pleasant and the food excellent.

When our bill was presented at the end of the meal we noticed that the young waiter had failed to charge us for the supplemental charges on the meal, and the bottle of wine. My Wife and I are honest people and therefore pointed this out to him as he was undercharging us by £60. He took the bill from my hand without so much as a "thank you" or an apology and replaced it a few minutes later with a correct bill. I was furious and very disappointed at this lack of courtesy. Most others would have taken the original bill, paid up and left without a word.

We then went into the bar and ordered two glasses of Glenmorangie, and were given an entirely different drink. I tried to explain to the bar tender exactly what it was I required. I even pointed to the bottle but to no avail. We gave up and retired for the night.

At 6am the following morning we were woken by a drilling noise. The noise continued for about 15 minutes and then abated for a further 15 minutes before starting again. At 7.30am a conversation started outside our room. I looked out and saw four workman with paint outside working in the corridor. By this time both my Wife and I were completely awake, and so we went down for breakfast.

We queued to be seated and were shown to a table in the far room and were told we would be served tea or coffee shortly. Five minutes passed without service. Then ten. By the time fifteen minutes had passed I had to stop a waitress who had walked past our table several times, completely ignoring us, and ask for tea and coffee. She assured us she would bring some over and so we went over to the buffet. After filling our breakfast plates we headed back to our table and as we entered the room we watched another waitress sit two customers on our table and then the first waitress bustled straight over to them to take their drinks order.

I was fuming at this point. I challenged the waitress who had taken the other customers to our table and was told I had to queue up again to get another table! At this point another waitress stepped in and showed us straight over to another table near the buffet and took our drinks order. Our Tea and Coffee arrived just as we were finishing our meals and were left on the table untouched.

At this point I decided to complain to Mr. Underwood. I told him every detail of our visit thus far (including the names of the waiters/waitresses). He offered to provide us with lunch at the Spa. So feeble and pitiful was this offer that I declined, instead telling Mr. Underwood to mull over it whilst my wife and I tried to get another couple of hours sleep.

I returned to our room to find my wife struggling to breathe. There was a strong smell of chemicals permeating the room, and within a minute my eyes were stinging and my head swimming. I helped my wife out of the room and back downstairs onto a sofa in the foyer. I again asked to be seen by the Duty Manager. On this occasion I didn't even explain the problem. I just handed my key to Mr. Underwood and asked him to go to our room. He returned ten minutes looking decidedly sheepish, clearly having discovered the unattended open tin of Epoxy Resin left outside our room.

He apologised profusely. At this point I asked him if any of his staff had a Ventolin Inhaler or if there was a local pharmacy where I could get my Wife salbutamol. My wife suffers asthma, usually brought on by an allergic reaction or hay fever which is why she did not have her own inhaler with her.

I could stand no more. I requested a full refund from Mr. Underwood, and compensation for one of the worst experiences we've ever had in a hotel. I asked for Mr. Underwood to provide a voucher for my wife to return to the Spa at a later date, as this was the part of the anniversary she was most looking forward to. I also offered to still pay for the meal as the food had been excellent and it is not in my nature to expect freebies where none are due. Mr Underwood told me that he needed to contact his Manager in order to authorise this. He returned some time later but had been unsuccessful in communicating with his line manager. Mr. Underwood decided to take this matter into his own hands and agreed to refund us in full and compensate us as requested, and then further offered us all of our drinks free of charge as compensation for such a poor experience, before taking our address details to write to us.

We did go to the spa to see if a steam room would help my wife, but eventually I was forced to take her home as her breathing was still very laboured.

It is now 22nd October and we have not had our refund. We have been offered a free single night stay (with restrictions) which we will not be taking up. We have no desire to give your staff the opportunity of robbing us of another day in our lives. Mr. Underwood even insulted us by offering "a free upgrade to the heat and ice experience for two people", a service we have already paid for and yet been unable to use because of the incompetence and casual recklessness of your employees.

I am writing to you now at the behest of our solicitor who has assured us that were we to take this further a dim view would be taken had we not first allowed Whittlebury Hall the opportunity to right their mistakes and adequately compensate us for the loss of our first wedding anniversary, a particularly special occasion to most couples, and one that will never occur again.

You have fourteen (14) days to respond to this letter. As of the 5th November we will file in court for our complete losses (including but not limited to; travel to and from Towcester, the accommodation and spa costs, the cost of the meal and all drinks) and for punitive damages (the cost of a replacement celebration for our first wedding anniversary).

Yours sincerely,


Mr. D *******
Dr. J *******

   

I am going to kick arse.