This is the first time I've had such a thought in... God, I don't even know how long. But it has been a long time. A year, at least, if not longer.

I wondered about who I am today. just now.

I haven't had to worry about that in so long, it's unnerving. It makes me wonder if I'm receding back to who I was before, back to my identity crisis.

I'm thinking about who I am. Who I am around friends. Who I am when I'm with Brandon. Who I am at work. Who I am with my family. Who I am when I'm alone in my room with just thoughts.

I'm different in every situation. I know that's normal; different things are expected from me in different situations, and I adapt to fit those expectations.

But I can just barely recall a time where I was almost the same in all of those situations. I never used to have a problem with expressing my emotions, regardless of the setting or company, whether that is a good or bad thing. I didn't have a problem being sad in public, if I truly felt sad. And I wrote in my journal/blogs frequently, regardless of my mood.

I'm not sure if I'm quite as honest anymore. I keep up a front in public. Some days, if I'm sad or angry or negative enough, I'll go into a situation determined to express my emotions as they are. But I almost always change when I enter it, when I'm with people. The good mood I'll instantly acquire is temporary, though; I retreat to my old habits and old feelings soon after, if they are true enough.

I hardly talk about my problems anymore. If I am depressed, I try not to show it (often), and I will almost never say why I am depressed. I figure if I fail to acknowledge what my problems are, then they don't exist. But I know that isn't true.

I fluctuate between my emotions so much, so frequently, that I don't even know if I am truly sad, or truly happy, ever. I've told people that I am generally a very happy person, but now I'm not sure if that's the whole truth.