i have decided to start putting all my drunk surveys into a blog.  for those of you freaks that for some reason enjoy reading them on occassion.  be thankful your mind doesnt work like mine.

June 10, Saturday

30 questions about the first person in my top 8. (jeremy)

sorry bro....

1. What's their name?
Jeremy Jones, Alleyway Rover, Leader of Chumps, Apostle of Wine and Martinis, Cockbag

2. What's their age?
24

3. Is the person younger or older than u?
older and the douche rubs it in all the time. except when he doesnt. which is most of the time

4. Gay, bi, or straight?
he calims straight. but the only time anyone has ever seen him with a woman, she is crying uncontrollably or screaming in abject horror

5. Single or taken?
single. HAHAHAHAHA. seriously though, he needs to get some. any of you ladies out there give pity sex? at this point i dont think he cares what kind it is. but he prefers something about cheerleading outfits and that chocolate that hardens when you put it on ice cream

6. How long have you known this person?
way, WAY, WAYYY too long. too long to still be friends. we're both too much alike and too evil.

7. First impressions?
damn, that's an ugly baby...damny, that's a really ugly-ass baby" except replace baby with "cockbag"

8. Are they the same?
no, my eyesight has gottem sufficiently worse that i dont notice anymore. now i actually here the stuff he is talking about. pretty funny if you're hannibal lecter. hey, jeremy, tell them about hank, the dancing abortion, you sick monkey

9. are you RELATED?
biologically no. but in every other way, yes. i call his folks mom and dad. i have dinner there. i even go over and visit when jeremy isnt around. they once even told him he should be more like me. it was awesome

10. Where does this person live?
boise.

11.What is their favorite thing to do?
play sax, drink, listen to good music, drink, make movies, drink heavily, watch human misery for his own entertainment, drink, masturbate, drink

12. How often do you hug this person?
uh...as i said before. we think he's single, but the last time i hugged him, he sighed and sniffed. so we dont hug anymore.

13. When is the last time you talked to them
last night

14. Last thing you said to him/her?
take it easy bro. and he said cheers. and we went back to drinking

15. Last time you saw him/her?
april

16. How did you meet this person?
high school

17. Are you friends?
Yes. but only because no one else can stand us or our brand of humor for as long as we can

18. When will you see this person next?
beats me. but chances are, we'll be REALLLLLLLLLLY drunk that night

19. One word description of this person?
evil

20. Any songs reminds you of him/her?
damn, that's an ugly baby, hermaphrodite, drink the night away, anything by frank sinatra, or dennis leary's asshole song

21. Greatest Memory together?
uh...camping for his birthday, working together to drive fisher insane, warm lake, st. patricks day in eugene, or our vegas trip.

22. Greatest feature?
uh...he has damn good taste in music and film. and booze.

23. Greatest personality feature?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh, man, that was a good one

24. Have you ever Dated this Person?
dude....we think he's single, but i KNOW i am. *shudders in horror* if i were gay, i'd give you my soul, if i were gay, i'd give you my whole...being. if i were gay, we'd tear down the walls....but i'm gay. so wont you stop cupping my....

25. Has this person ever lied to you?
he told me i was cool once

26. Do you know?
know what? that wine is great when mixed with more wine? or that guinness combined with champagne is actually a really good and very popular drink

27. Does this person like you?
we are best friends. but we still hate each other

28. Do you like them?
see above.

29. Anything you want to say to the world about that person?
ladies...please...take a vote. draw straws. please. someone with a vagina has got to take one for the team here.

30. Anything you want to say to that person?
just looking out for you bro

Sunday, May 28

These are all "at the moment" answers. Tomorrow maybe I'll be like "shit I should have said..."

1.You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Jeremy Jones, the apostle of wine and martinis in the year 2007. to fulfill the first church prophecy the day we both predicted the year of his death while drunk on wine after wine tasting all day

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

hmmm....boy bands are already gone and eminimen is a hack and britney stopped singing, so.... how about the next crappy myspace band that tries to add me?

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

the Pope. not because i have anything against him, but do you know how famous you'd become for punching the Pope? they cant really throw in jail for long for one punch. maybe a disturbing the peace charge and assualt. not even aggravated assualt. but dude....punch the pope and people will know you. Plus, be great exposure for the church once the Pope and I had a drink and laughed about it later

4. What is your favorite cheese?

squeaky cheese. i once threw a whole bag of that at a retarded kid, piece by piece. and he was throwing it back at the same time. except it never hit me. it was awesome. he kept ducking and weaving and...come to think of it, he was doing exactly what i was doing. and why was he in my bathroom? and where were his legs?

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal.

meat. preferably of something endangered.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie-celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once (they will never call you back). Who is it?

Rose Mcgowan. or Kirsten Dunst. and while i was with kirsten, i'd shave her head and lock her up so she would stop screwing up the Mary Jane Watson character.


7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Same rules as above. Who is it?

uh...Ellery Klein or Smantha Hunt. The two hottest fiddler players of all time. both have played for Gaelic Storm....oh yea....*drools*.... hot fiddler players...oh yea....

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

how else do you spend money you didnt earn or deserve? at the bar! and i'd tell everyone i just came across some extra money and buy a few rounds for my friends.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

let's see...where could i do the most damage and still be able to buy good beer? aha! Ohio! or Boston. or portland, Maine. my excellent friends the Pubcrawlers are from there.


10. Upon arrival to the before mentioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, where are you gonna go to spend that?

at the nearest pub with Guinness on tap. where do i always spend my money? come on people. i refer to my paychecks from work as beer coupons


11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. "Be brand-specific" it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don't drink booze there's something you can figure out... so what's it gonna be?

Guinness. or Arrogant Bastard. Or Murphy's Red.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

I'd go to when jesus was 7 years old and give him a WHOLE LOT of beer and whiskey and turn him into a drunk.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first into place?

I. Thou Shalt Refuse No Alcohol For Which Thou Hath Not Paid For Thineself

II. Thou Shalt Receive Immediate Forgiveness For All Transgressions Which, Due to Alcohol Imbidement, Cannot Be Recalled

III. Thou Shalt Keep Holy The Happy Hour

IV. Thou Shalt Not Harbor Sobriety In The Presence Of George

V. Thou Shalt Not Leave Any Beverage Undrunk Or Partially Drunken
VI. Thou Shalt Not Offer Shirley Temples, Roy Rogers, Mocktails, Or Any Other Alcoholic Forgery to Anyone, Least Of All George

VII. Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Bar Neighbor's Drink

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Call Before Noon, Any Of Thy Brothers Celebrating A Holy Day Of Recovery

IX. Thou Shalt Always Honor The Providers Of Thy Alcohol

X. It Matters Not What Form Of Booze Thou Intake, Except That Thou Partake Of It Often

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?

the Border Patrol. Deportation Man stars as an inept superhero relentlessly travelling the US-Canadian border trying to prevent canadians from crossing. Also guest stars Batman, and Macgyver

15. What is your favorite ...this question is gone

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by Zombies. The zombies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

try to remember what i was drinking when i passed out and make a note to not drink that again

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely.

My KEG!!!

18. The Angel Of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel Of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

imagine me. with no self control and no sense of moral obligation.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?

the ability to turn any liquid into the beer of my choice. take that jesus. you could only do water into wine. it's like jesus powers 2.0

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

camping on jeremy's 21st birthday. had my 2 best friends and beer and whiskey. life was great

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

the death of my grandfather. and shattering my knees

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world!

uh...hmm...iceland.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

Murphy's.


24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude check it out I can FLOAT!!"

i'd go to jeremy's and make him think he had drank too much

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier have given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which late celebrity will you bring back to life?

Hemmingway. and I'd make him go to Mrs. Fisher's house and scare the shit out of her. or ghandi. so i could kick his ass. perhaps CuChullainn. and have him help me unite ireland

26. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

my grandfather.