Dude, I shoulda read this earlier. We could have some amazing chats!!

I'm gonna post this letter in the public arena because I think it's important that as many people as possible hear what I have to say - excuse my arrogance!

You may have noticed that my last few months in Coventry were tough for me, as they were for the people around me bearing the brunt of my behaviour. I thought it was just lack of funds and my computer being down that made me so unhappy. I locked myself away in my room. I got paranoid and thought my housemates were plotting against me. I treated them like shit.

Thankfully they've since accepted me apologies.

I moved in with my boy friend, Matt, firstly with his parents, then in our own flat. That was a terrible time of my life. I knew we weren't suited together for so long but didn't want to call it quits 'cos it would mean admitting defeat to myself. My depression seemed to make it impossible for me to find employment and this and its consequence of scrounging off my boyfriend for so long gave me such a feeling of worthlessness. Eventually matt had had enough and asked me to move out.

So, I was back at home with my parents. My mum did really well to pressure me into finding a temp job. But I was petrified. I was terrified of people and I didn't understand why. I thought no one wanted to hear anything I had to say. And at the same time I didn't want to say nothing because I feared people would hate me for being so rude. Every time I did utter a word I ran it over and over again in my brain until it sounded like the stupidest thing ever and thought everyone must think I'm such a twat!

It took me 6 months of being forced to spend 8 hrs every day around groups of temps who would stay for a few weeks - just until I got used to their company - and then they'd leave and I'd be forced to spend time with a new group of people. Very slowly I learnt that people didn't hate me. I learnt that I was good at my job - I was being asked to help out elsewhere in the office.

It was this experience that sparked off my interest into people; how they respond to each other; how my actions affect other people; and how other people's actions affect me. For the 9 months I lived at my parents I hardly had any friends other than the acquaintances I made at work - the people who never stuck around.

I spent all those evenings in my parents back yard in jackets, thermal underwear, hats and gloves, braving the cold, smoking joint after joint and going through a bottle of wine a night. I would listen to music on my headphones, stare into the night sky and just think... and think... and think... and think... about people. I don't know how I managed but I had revelation after revelation. Things just started coming together in my mind; why people do what they do.

Everyone must have a motive behind everything that they do - not saying selfish motives, but they must have some idea of the consequences of their actions.

I thought a lot about how people are like other mammals in how they react to the world around them. I also thought about people's arrogance in seperating themselves as a species from the rest of the animal kingdom. I thought about how people's childhoods affected their adulthood in ways they could never understand.

This period was also good for me getting to know my mother. She had calmed down a lot since I had left home for uni in 2000 and had accepted that I smoke dope and drink booze and that I have my own thoughts and feelings that need to be taken into account. We had some amazing discussions about my father and his abuse towards our family. We had finally found a connection which will never break.

So, I became happier over the next year. I was earning money and got a full time job - fair enough, it's shit - but it's a long way off where I was a few months previous. My mother was proud of me for doing so well with my work she helped me out in getting a new laptop. I could finally write music again. I found myself an amazing boyfriend to whom I can say anything without fearing being judged. He has supported me so much. Friends moved back into the area and I moved in with my best friend from school. Life fell into place.

Yet I continued my quest to understand people. I would like to try to organise and summarise some of my feelings and thoughts for you.

The most important thing is life is to be happy!

I thought a lot of people were happy - I was being fooled.

I think my first major breakthrough was to realise that, young or old, people have many issues

with themselves. It doesn't matter how confident people can appear to be it is very likely they have many insecurities and worries which they do not let on.

These insecurities are what makes people treat others harmfully. As you say, you have to be able to like yourself before you can love anyone else. I've heard it on Orpah, but i realise it's true. I don't know why yet - it's in-built into the human pshyche - but with every little niggling thing that you feel uncomfortable with in yourself it will affect the way you respond to people.

Very often people take the very essense of their insecurity and turn it on its head to display the complete opposite. Let me give some examples:

Many people (though not all, don't be fooled) who come across as outgoing and in-your-face (remember how I was when you first met me?) are covering up for the fact that they are very shy. They desperately want people to take notice of them and pay attention to them because they think it will make people like them more.

People who put a lot of effort into making themselves look fashionable (to their peers) are also often very insecure. The need to make people notice their good looks compensates for their thoughts that their character is flawed. Praise for the appearence may offer some short term consolation, but it's not enough to make them happy.

It took me a long time to accept being gay. My camp streak is a perfect example of above two statements. I didn't like being gay so I overplayed it. I camped it up, I was over the top and in your face, I pretended that being gay was a scream. I always knew deep down that it wasn't. Because lots of people will judge me negatively for it, and all I ever wanted was for people to like me. This behaviour was self-destructive. Partly why I took a sudden U-turn towards the end of uni; shave off all my hair right down to the skull, I wore baggies non-stop for over a year,

I hid myself away under a beanie hat and hood.

People will often treat other like shit to try to mark their power (or the power they think they would like to have) over people. This is why people will refuse to hold open doors for you as you walk past; this is why people refuse to allow space on the footpath for you to pass when crossing each other; this is why rude boys spit at your feet as you pass them; this is why people drop litter - they have power over the person who has to clean up after them.

This is why people snigger at people who dress differently, or talk differently, or act differently in any way. People think to put someone down is to make yourself look better. The opposite is true.

People are afraid to face their insecurities and so block out any thoughts they may have which lead them to finding our who they are and what they really think. To do this is scary. It means you might realise some people wont like you no matter who you are. No one wants this.

Ive spent the last two years of my life challenging everything Ive ever believed about myself and questioning all of my actions. I left behind being stubborn. I said good bye to attacking people who said I was wrong. I learned to accept responsibility to all my actions, right and wrong; I learnt to say sorry. I learnt to forgive others, and more importantly Im learning to forgive myself for my own wrongs.

Humans, like so many other mammals to which we are closely related are territorial animals. We find safety in packs. We are insecure about ourselves. This is why we so long to feel we fit in somewhere.

This occurs in local terms: people slip into cultural groups and adapt by mimicking the behaviour of their peers and fear stepping out of line with that particular groups morals for fear of being excluded - may I offer as examples chavs, punks, teddy-boys, mods, elite society, art critics, gang-members, family members growing up as ethnic minorities in foreign countries... everybody, in fact. Its so much easier to slip unnoticed into the crowd than to stand out and be seen for who you are - or so people think

This occurs in international terms: People find comfort in fitting in to a culture. By agreeing wholeheartedly with one argument over another there will always be a school-of-thought to which people wanting to fit in can take an alliance. This is why arguments often conform to a very black/white approach. People are stubborn and do not want to back down - an insecurity about admitting being wrong. These groups grow as more and more people try to fit in and have their points of view voiced by spokespeople - who generally spout nothing but biased propaganda which most of its members want to question but will not for fear of being singled out.

To fit in is to feel you are a worthwhile person whose views and opinions are shared and sympathised. To have a viewpoint which is not shared and not respected is lonely. To not share the viewpoint of a group around you is to be the outsider. The misunderstood.

People fear what they do not understand. People fight what they fear. This is the root cause of most prejudice and negative feelings toward other people.

It is unlikely that all members of a group (political group, social group, peer group) will share the same viewpoint and moral standard. But these views must be hidden in order to retain rank in the hierarchy of the group. Thus, an inner struggle and feelings of insecurity arise. These feelings of insecurity will surface as negativity; anger and frustration. Unhappiness.

Unhappy people treat other people like they think they deserve themselves - like shit!!

Prejudice splits into deeper and deeper grouping. Take religion:

Muslims think differently to Jews. They fight.
Shias think differently to Sunnis. They fight.
Orthodox Jews think differently to Hasidic Jews. They fight.
Muslims think differently to Christians. They fight.
Protestants think differently to Catholics. They fight.

Do you see the pattern? If you belong to a school-of-thought, there's a good chance your group fights another group. Chavs fight Goths. Macho types fight effeminate/alternative types.

People fear what they do not understand. People fight what they fear.

Im sure theres loads of other stuff Im trying to say, but its not coming to my head and onto the paper. And Im sure what I have written is a big jarbled mess - but I hope some of it makes sense and you can see where Im coming from.

Anyway

So, Ive taken a completely new approach to life. Im now aware of my consciousness. Im now aware that if I treat everyone with love and respect the best I can ask for is to receive the same in return. Ive not right to treat people like shit if I am feeling down.

I have felt down a lot - since January. Ive been to the point where my mum has had to take me to the emergency ward at hospital because I had a breakdown. I have been offered a prescription for prozac - which I have not taken. Any issues I have lingering which make me feel depressed need to challenged, not pushed the back of my mind. Drugs altering my chemical make-up will not help me. I have been in counselling for about 3months and I rate it. My counsellor does not have the answers, but she has the ears.

I am now kind, friendly and generous to everyone I can be. I look for ways to help people self-lessly (well, sort of - I get a kick out of helping people). I push my moral standards as high as possible and try to do good with everything that I do. I take pride in doing what I feel to be right, even if its treated with suspicion of negativity I return. I will pick litter off the street and dispose of it despite the laughter from groups of school-kids; I will not snap back at those who snap at me for apparently no reason. Negativity cannot be rectified with negativity. It is best to ignore it an move on.

Of course not everyone will return my kindness. A couple of weeks ago I was in a club in London at the bar. I ordered my drinks from the barmaid. I did it in my usual fashion - smiling with eye contact, pleases and thank you-s. She returned with my drinks and took my money. I thanked here again at which point she looked at me suspiciously. I noticed this. When she returned to hand me my change I realised she had short-changed me. My kindness had been mistaken for drugged-up euphoria. She thought I was not aware of my actions. I very politely pointed out her mistake and was greeted with her defensive attack, Yeah, thats what I said. I told you I was bringing it over!.

My kindness was rewarded with selfishness and deceit. This could well have easily made me fuming and sent me into another depression but I chose not to let it.

This is my latest battle: to not allow myself to be affected by peoples dishonesty and unkindness. It is NOT excusable behaviour. But its not healthy for me to get upset by it. I must remind myself that all I can do is not pass on this negativity else Im not better than her.

I still want everyone to like me but I accept that some will, based on their prejudices. But these are their insecurities and it is not my place to correct them. I hope people will find the courage to challenge their insecurities and fears. All I can do is offer my kindness to everyone I meet giving the highest possibility to myself that it will be returned.

I love you, dude. Always remember that I may not often get to see you, but I will always be here for you whether you ever want me to be or not! J Get in touch whenever.

Love always,

Terry