You ever have "one of those" days? Where everything in life goes to shit? Where no matter what you do to swim you keep drowning in shit? Where no matter how hard you work to help people they never appreciate it?
Well I am having one of those days....or is it years?..... Hmmmm, I'm not sure, but I know its pretty bad. Let's see, where do I begin? ..................................
Well, let's start with why I am so hurt.....or is it drained and lifeless....maybe what I am trying to say is, empty......No love, life, energy, streingth, pride or emotions..... For the last 3 years I have busted my ass to do the "the right thing" and it has cost me everything. Money, objects, blood, and has caused me greif, anguish, empty pockets and an empty soul. Nobody realizes just how bad I have been stripped of everything because I tried to be the "right person" or "do the right thing". No recognition, no thanks, no gratitude. I keep getting involved with the women who say "Im different. I wont do to you what the others did". and each time they turn out to be the same as all the rest. There was only 2 ex-women who dont fit this catagory..... 1 lives here in west warwick and 1 lives in woonsocket... You both know who you are. T and L...... Ok, back to my bitchfest. So anyways, I have done everything in my power, made every sacrafice known to man and god, and raked myself over the coals to "provide, cater to, and man up to responsabilities. and for what? I had to sell all of my belongings over the last 3 years, I had to remain pennyless for the last 3 years, I had to push back everything I have worked so hard for, for the last 3 years, all so other people could fill my head with empty promises of "helping" and "getting better" and "trying to fix things" I am done. I have no soul left and I have no ambition to love or care for anymore... I simply have no life anymore... God must really hate me, if he's gonna make me go through this everyday. I try so hard to be the strong person that people see me as. But I cant do it anymore. I have commit suicide emotionally, mentally, and romantically. therefore I am now in a state of recluse, shutting off all emotions and feelings towards the people in my life, except the 2 I mentioned above and the few family members I have and a couple freinds I have. I cant do it anymore. I refuse to let women rape me of all that I am and all that I have just to sit on their ass and watch me suffer. I am done suffering and struggling for someone who doesnt diserve it or appreciate it. Im tired of family members being blind to the fact that I DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF and turn around and be like "what? cant chris do anything?" or "what? chris aint doing nothing?" No body seems to acknowlege that I am the ONLY one doing anything and everything to protect and care for my children. They are all convinced (conveniently)that i do nothing while i have 3 years of proof that i do. But those family members that i speak of are all rich, money hungry bitches and assholes who think that she should be waited on hand and foot because they were. Bullshit. I come from a time where everything is equal. and it hasnt been for 3 years. and the relationship befor this one was the same way. they were cousins.... guess it runs in the family... and the relationship befor that was the same as this one except it lasted 8 years and ended in divorce. I will not go another 8 years of this bullshit. All i am saying is, I dont diserve this shit. I dont need this shit. I dont want this shit. but being a responsible adult, the only responsible adult in all of this, I stay to make sure the defensless little ones have a roof over their head and food in their tummies. I guess its my destiny to be a SLAVE, PROVIDER, FATHER, SUCKER, MAID, and all around EMPTY SACK OF SHIT CABIN BOY for the rest of my life while other people just USE ME, ABUSE ME, and expect me to do everything for nothing. To the ones who stand by me, I LOVE YOU ALL, to the ones who stand by and treat me like shit, FUCK YOU, GOTO HELL and EAT SHIT.