Welcome one and all to the first edition of "The Dead Push", exclusively here at EmpireHardcore.com and Myspace.com/EmpireHardcore. I am Chris Robinson, author of "The Verbal Submission" over at 411mania.com. I've been kicking around the idea for a while to do a pro wrestling column to go along with the MMA column I write at 411. I also wanted to utilize the open forum I have here at my own personal website, EmpireHardcore.com, to do things the way I want without worrying about offending the "fans" or appearing "unprofessional". It's my site. Let the profanity fly! To start, the format for this column will be the same as "The Verbal Submission" until I get a feel for writing about wrestling again. Honestly, it's a lot easier for me to write about wrestling because I've been following it for much longer than MMA, and there's an element of fantasy booking when writing about wrestling. In MMA, the minute you express an opinion or a theory that someone doesn't agree with, people decry you as an imbecile. It's fun to read, but at the end of the day, I find that MMA fans can be a tad more douchey than wrestling fans. Did I spell "douchey" right? Don't get me wrong. I love my fans at 411, and I think MMA fans are a great group. My problem is certain people treat MMA so seriously that they put a level of worthiness on you if they feel you don't have this ridiculous infatuation with it. Wrestling fans are more about having fun and coming up with crazy booking ideas, cheering their favorite superstar, and generally joking around. MMA fans treat MMA like it's the be all, end all, of life. It's nuts. When I write something, it's an opinion, not a fact, but some people treat my writing like Jesus on a hill calling all Christians douchetards.

So enough bullshitting about stupid people, let's get into the wrasslin'.

All true. All of it.


RAW is FRUSTRATION IN A BOX!!!
So for any fans out there that caught our last podcast, you already know that I'm having a real hard time watching Monday Night RAW lately. It's very clear that RAW is booked more to appeal to children, while Smackdown still retains some old school aspects of booking a wrestling show. It's also difficult watching your favorite superstar, CM Punk, go on the most non-sensical booking rollercoaster I've ever seen. Here's a guy that went from being World Champ, to not losing the belt in a match, to becoming tag champs with a guy he obviously doesn't care about (they don't come out for post match saves!!!), and now he's inches away from an IC title feud with a guy that beat him to win King of the Ring. I can't remember a guy who went up and down the booking sheet in WWE in such a short amount of time!

Besides CM Punk though, the rest of the RAW roster is just a mess. The only solid performers over the last six months that I've been able to sink my teeth into are Batista, Chris Jericho, and HBK. Now we had a little banter on the EmpireHardcore.com message board about Chris Jericho's ascension to the top of the heel ladder. I tend to agree with the Gods of Internet Wrestling over at PWInsider.com because Chris Jericho's booking is very similar to Edge's run over the last two years. I was a little vague and casually referred to their characters as the same. Edge is much more intense and devious, while Chris Jericho is calm and callous. However, both have been booked as opportunists, both have eeked out title victories in surprising fashions, and both have a fat Spanish broad in a wheelchair helping them. OK, that last one isn't true.

Greatest T-shirt Ever.


I think my main frustration with RAW is the fact that there isn't a lot of actual wrestling on the show. When there is a long match, it tends to be between people I could care less about, a.k.a. Randy "Skulls and Tribal Go Well Together" Orton, and J.B. "I'm Less Fat Now"L. I think I'm also among the minority when it comes to Santino Marella. I hate the guy. I'll probably like him more now that he's not carrying around the IC title because giving a comedy act a championship is basically saying "hey if you thought this belt was worthless now, wait'll you see who we put it on next!". I'm more of a purist. I always will be. Championships will always mean something to me. (I still believe Bret!!! I still believe!!!!)

I know! An HDTV for $600 is crazy! That's why I didn't buy it!


With the bad, comes the good, and I am a big fan of HBK's work. Always have been. I also got into Cryme Tyme's off again, on again push that I believed would last longer than it did. I enjoy Rey Mysterio flying around the ring until the next time he tears something off the bone. And I was psyched to see Ken Kennedy return this week until the next time HE tears something off the bone. I'm ecstatic about the IC title 1 contender tournament because that is an old school piece of booking that could actually make the fans care about the IC belt again. What if the IC title actually becomes a springboard for midcard talent again? GASP! Seriously, if you think about it, CM Punk has gone in reverse order from past World Champions. He's literally working his way down the ladder. I wouldn't be surprised if they put the Hardcore Title on him by next year. Oh wait, he was already ECW Champ (by default!!!).

Do I have any remedies for RAW? Book it more like Smackdown!!!!

SMACKDOWN is FULL OF BEARDED, FACE PAINTED GOODNESS!!!

Fantastic!!!


The smile on my face is still bright and shiny after the return of the Rated R Superstar, Edge, at the Survivor Series. The main event scene is now a wet dream of greatness with Triple H, Jeff Hardy, Edge, and Vladamir Koz.........well 3 out of 4 ain't bad. Plus, there's always the Big Show and the Undertaker we can toss in there just to keep things interesting. I'm still in shock that Kozlov made it into the top spot pool without an extended feud with the Taker...

OLD MAN RANT FROM A 27 YEAR OLD!!!
Back in my day, a man had to feud with the Undertaker for 3, maybe 8 months before he got a shot at the top gold. Why he had to go through casket matches, buried alive matches, hells in the cells, oh maybe even an inferno match before he even got to sniff the champ's BVD's!!! This great big Russian thinks he can come in here and headbutt people like he's the Russian words for "cock of the walk". Well there's only one cock around here, and that's the champ! And um...oh I'm sleepy now.

Besides all the face painting and vest wearing, Smackdown has the better midcard in the WWE Uni....I'm not calling it that because it's so fucking stupid. Let's call the WWE fans....the WWE Empire. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it. Smackdown has the better midcard in the WWE Empire with Shelton Benjamin leading the way as US champ, The Flying Puerto Ricans as Tag Champs, and a guy in a pop up bubble named after a strong storm. I think it's a bit weird that they didn't throw the US Title on R-Truth for a short run before dropping it back to Benjamin. It's like "OK, this guy couldn't win the US Title. Oh look, he's gone.". Also, the Flying Puerto Ricans quickly went from strong champs to midcard fodder, but I still love watching them work. Word is these two are a little too preoccupied with Diva trim, but hey, who isn't? WWE brass should be happy no one has woken up with a dead hooker problem yet. Last time that happened, Bret Hart ended up in WCW. Wait, no, last time that happened, Christian Cage ended up in TNA. Those silly Canadians. They just can't keep a hooker alive.

Another wildly awesome part of Smackdown right now is "The Man with a Plan" The Brian Kendrick and his bodyguard, Big Ezekiel "Don't Call Me Lashley" Jackson. Oh, if Big Zeke had a baby voice, our podcast would never run out of material. Of course, we never do run out of material because we podcast sporadically, but I digress. Kendrick has always been a talented performer, but now he has a gimmick to go with it. Granted, it's not a great gimmick, but Paul London is jobless, so it's a gimmick none-the-less. The problem with Kendrick is they have to pull the trigger on him one way or the other. He should have been knee deep in a US Title feud right now, but we have a heel champ there. He should've nabbed the tag straps by now, which it seemed he was on the verge of doing, but that's stalled for the moment. So what do we do with him? There's the inevitable split with Big Zeke down the road, but both of them have to cut some actual promos to give their respective characters some depth. As Stormy the Redneck said, does Koko B. Ware know Kendrick stole the Birdman Dance? I'm just saying. A guy can act cocky, dance cocky, and have a big black cocky by his side, but if you really want people to hate him he has to TALK.

Never forget the Birdman.


Last and probably least on Smack to the Down, it's MVP and the Great Khali in the single worst idea for a feud EVER. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever. The Great Khali is a fucking face. A fat chick kissing face. He's pretty much WCW Mike Awesome circa 2000. El Horrible. It's a bad enough a talented performer like MVP is stuck in that dreck, but the whole losing streak gimmick is horrid. This is a guy that when we started the Empire Hardcore Podcast back in March, predicted could main event a Wrestlemania within 24 months. Now? Yeah, he'll be lucky to be on Wrestlemania in 24 months. Honestly, I'd like to see MVP moved over to ECW for another round of feuding with Matt Hardy. ECW is becoming stale very slowly at the top of the card, and one more big name player couldn't hurt the show. Oh hold on....

ECW IS SWAGGER-TASTIC
Matt Hardy has made ECW a great show again. Evan Bourne was helping out too until he got all jumpy and spinny and broke his ankle. Has Paul London taught us nothing?! With Finlay and Horny creeping around the top of the heap in ECW, the show has become less of a joke, and more of the Midcard Show. I also enjoy that WWE developmental talent get to cut their teeth on a national TV show without stinking up RAW and Smackdown with crappy gimmicks (see Gabriel, DJ). So if an MVP, or an R-Truth spent a little time on ECW trying to grab the Second Place Title, the show would benefit. I'd also really like to see an extended Matt Hardy vs. The Miz feud on ECW in a storyline where the Miz wants to equal John Morrison's accomplishments. They could set this storyline up with one promo or one episode of the Dirt Sheet. Simplicity!

Should say "Stronger than Second Place".


Jack Swagger is going to be a big time star in WWE. There, I said it. He's got an unpolished, Randy Orton appeal to him, but I mean that in a good way. Like I hope Jack Swagger never puts a ho through a hotel wall. And stay off motorcycles!!! Swagger's recent run with Tommy "Put 'Em Over" Dreamer was quaint, but not the thing that superstars are made of. I also think it's a little premature to give Swagger a run at Matt Hardy. I'd love to see Swagger have a short run with Finlay, make some midget jokes, eat a few tadpole splashes, and THEN go after Big Matt. My reason for saying Swagger is a future top guy is his um...swagger. He's got a real asshole personality and it comes across very well on camera. He's a little dead behind the eyes, but he can work on that. Guys who really think their shit doesn't stink in real life, make great wrestling heels. It's a proven formula.

Stole Ryan Daniels' gimmick right out from under him.


TNA: NITRO + THUNDER + SATURDAY NIGHT
I didn't watch Impact this week, but I did record it and I will watch it. I'm not going to go into a rant about how TNA is mirroring WCW and the booking is stale and short sighted. I'm going to say this. I like watching AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. I love watching AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. However, just watching them wrestle does nothing for TV ratings, ticket sales, and merchandise sales. Treating them as secondary to legends in the business does not increase ratings, merch, or tix sales either. TNA's biggest problem is that they can't think outside the box and/or see the big picture. Instead of taking risks, hiring writers with fresh ideas, and letting their amazing roster be amazing, they're satisfied with cookie cutter booking and 1.1 ratings.

Until they realize this, I'm not going to overly criticize them for the faults because in their collective minds, there aren't any faults. Everything is just peachy.

Being a spokesman for Red Bull probably pays better.


COLUMN FEATURE: THE DEAD PUSH
In conjunction with the name of the column, each week I'm going to pick a wrestler past, present, or um..future that has seen their push halted, killed, pissed on, pooped ..ped, OR nixed. This week's wrestler, no surprise to Empire Hardcore Podcast fans, is Kevin "Mordecai or Vampire" Thorne. Oh, sweet, sweet, Kevin Thorne. After a failed push attempt as Mordecai, Kevin Thorne reemerged as a vampire during WWECW's early days. He would be paired with softcore lesbian fetish pornstar/militant Latina Shelly "Ariel" Martinez. The two wouldn't suck any blood, pop out of coffins, or get over with fans. Kevin would wrestle one match on ECW after the failed vampire gimmick as um...Kevin Thorne. Last we heard, he's still down in FCW honing his craft and hoping for a call back to the main roster. I'm surprised he hasn't been released yet. If his push hadn't been squashed by the powers that be, Kevin Thorne might still be on ECW teaming with the Boogeyman, fighting the fighting Irishman Finlay, or sucking um...just sucking.

So here's to you Kevin Thorne, the initial DEAD PUSH OF THE WEEK!!!

Poor bastard.


THE 11:05PMWell that ends the first offering of "The Dead Push". I hope to make this a weekly column here at EmpireHardcore.com. Be sure to check out my latest "Verbal Submission" at 411Mania.com every Tuesday and reposted here Wednesday or Thursday. I have comments disabled here on the old blog because we had an issue with spammers earlier this year, and it was hellacious. So if you want to comment, feel free to sign up at the EmpireHardcore.com Message Board and make your voice heard. When you sign-up, it has to be verified via email so be patient! You can also send me an email at chris@empirehardcore.com. So until next week, try not to punch any babies.

Kick. Punch. It's all in the mind.

-CPR