I'm really lonely. I hate feeling like this. Even though I have someone lying next to me, I feel like I'm the only person in the world... or at least the only person in the world that notices I am indeed in it. I hate that my best friend lives 1851.31 miles away. I hate that I feel like I can't talk to any of the friends I thought I had here. I hate that I feel like this if I don't have someone to talk to me 24/7. I'm such a needy bitch.
Maybe if I liked myself more this wouldn't be an issue. How the hell am I supposed to like myself more? I used to take "self portraits" to cheer myself up, it was kinda like "look, you're not so bad, life doesn't suck as much as you think, right?" but it doesn't work anymore. I actually hate taking pictures of myself now. I always want to take a photo of my cute make up, but I usually end up filing my photos away because I look like fat, disgusting shit. I'll sit there and pick apart everything that's wrong with me.
• lips are crooked, barely have an upper right side
• facial jewelry is affected by said crookedness, looks retarded
• nasty yellow bucked teeth with a fantastic open bite
• right ear is about 1/2" lower on the head than the left, makes glasses sit crooked
• pores are fucking huge
• increasingly apparent GFGF (generic fat girl face, ie: squishy cheeks that run into the nose creating fat lines, chins, fat around eyes making them squinty, etc)
• what Brad describes as "caveman eyebrows" which is in actuality a roll of fat on the forehead
• right nostril is MUCH larger than the left, thicker also
• blowout in septum makes jewelry sit crooked and generally look like shit
• cheeks, nose and chin are always red
• huge crater of a pockmark smack dab in the middle of the forehead
And that's just my face (and an incomplete list). I really had to stop myself from listing everything I hate about physical appearance, it'd probably take up your whole FL though, I'd hate to do that. And no, I'm not too hard on myself, I really hate hearing that, just because someone else doesn't think it's an issue doesn't mean it's not really there.
I'd really like to just talk to someone right now. I don't know what I'd say, but I don't know, I just feel like crap.
You know, after reading this over, I sure do hate a lot of things. Jeremy pointed it out the other day when I was at the shop. First I said I hated my stupid lips for being crooked (and causing him to think it'd be a bad idea to put more holes in them, even though I have room "They wouldn't be symmetrical, and you wouldn't be happy."), then I said I hated how red my face always was, and then I commented on how I hate the way I "tan" - getting burnt then becoming slightly darker and hella freckled. I also commented on the fact that I hated how I wasn't all over pale anymore. Well, you know, I gotta let the hate out.