Instead of emailing this piece that appeared on Salon.com last week by yours truly, I just decided to cut and paste to save time, kids. Enjoy!

Turkey Stuffing Substitutes

by Eric Lawson                  November 24, 2008

I've been around the block a few times and I've had Thanksgiving dinners all over the country. When it comes to preparing the meal, it's personal preferance, right? They who make the meal should cater to their own tastes and cravings, don't you think. That being said, some stories I've heard make me wonder how some jackasses out there can legally drive a car or dial a phone or breathe.

1. Unpaid bills. Apparently, the trash was too full and somebody was too lazy to use the shredder.

2. Tacos. Okay, personal preferences aside...come on!

3. Nothing. We cut into the bird and only the faintest hint of steam could be found.

4. A beer bottle. Shit, sorry about that. I was putting the bird in the oven when I thought I saw the green starter's light out of the corner of my eye. NASCAR now, turkey later.

5. My finger. Stop whining. It's served with love, okay?

6. Roast beef. Arby's brought back their 5 sandwiches for $7 deal.

7. Chocolate. We are getting rid of the damn Easter candy if it's the last thing we do!

8. Ear buds. I'm just as confused as you are. This is compounded by the fact that no one here owns an iPod.

9. An earring. Um...Merry super-duper-early Christmas! Yes? No? Maybe? Please?

10. Pizza Hut coupons. Hardy-har-har. Okay, I get it. It's a little burned and dry. Hand me my cell phone and we'll order in. Wait a minute. Where the hell is it? I just had it earlier today. Never mind. I figured it out. Will somebody call my number? Everyone should get a serving before it goes to voicemail.