As the month of May, which many sex-positive activists and organizations have labeled “Masturbation Month,” approaches, it is important to not just celebrate this month, but celebrate it in a way that we don’t take the month of May or the ability to masturbate for granted. All too often, emphasis is placed on football, baseball or basketball as sports popular enough to warrant fantasy teams. Although these sports are popular enough for individual recreation and office betting pools, there is another activity that deserves the attention of fantasy teams. This activity can bring gratification to everybody. This activity is Fantasy Masturbation. Whether you are aware or not, this is not a new activity. Fantasy Masturbation has been around for generations. If someone tells you they do not participate or have no desire to, then they are lying. Masturbation is, by definition, fantasy.

It is one of the safest sports around, with the only serious risk of injury being carpal tunnel syndrome. In fact, there is the benefit to one’s health associated with taking up Fantasy Masturbation. According to the results of medical studies and conclusions found in medical journals, masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer among males. Masturbating on a frequent basis may also lower blood pressure, according to these same studies. The medical benefits of Fantasy Masturbation are there for couples who would like to engage in sexual activity without the risk of pregnancy or transmission of sexual diseases. By mutually practicing Fantasy Masturbation on each other, couples can participate with the health risks associated through direct sexual contact remaining minimal. Of course, in any physical or medical regiment, please contact your physician to choose a plan that is right for you.

Over the years, a lot of time and emphasis has been spent on fantasy sports teams. I believe it has a lot to do with the kind of wish fulfillment. Fantasy teams are a form of vicariousness, a desire to play manager to a team, composed of one’s favorite players in an effort to create ideal scenarios in the pursuit of athletic success. There are ups and downs in many sports and Fantasy Masturbation is no exception. Lounging back in one’s easy chair, the ups and downs are fairly quick. Sitting in a LA-Z-Boy, ups and downs occur so quickly that it is nearly impossible to determine a valid point spread. The practice of selecting favorite players is similar to other sports, but Fantasy Masturbation is the only game known to use players of specific body types while paying only little attention to statistics. The male participant of Fantasy Masturbation may have teams composed entirely of blondes, while a more open-minded player might want to throw in a redhead or two for good measure. Another male participant might put together a team composed entirely of brunettes, with a wide range in breast sizes and a medium build especially around the waist. Female players, often times more open-minded and less shallow than their male counterparts, might not concern themselves with statistics of their selections. Some might select male players that have a nice personality or a good sense of humor in addition to the common requirements of nice six-pack abs or a cute butt. As you can see, the possibilities for fantasy team selections are endless.

In sports, fantasy teams were created in an effort to relieve stress caused by a phenomenon known as Monday morning quarterbacking. Instead of saying, “If the team had done this or that, then they would have won,” one can create the ideal scenario using players with favorable statistics to improve the chance of success for a viable, if only imaginary, team. In Fantasy Masturbation, this is no exception. An obvious result of masturbation is the instant stress relief. The end result results in everybody being a winner, regardless of the level of activity or the effort put into the game. In fact, there are only a few Monday morning quarterbacking line used in Fantasy Masturbation. Some might consist of “If I’d only wiped off with a towel or wiped off in a different direction, I would not have to do my laundry right now” or “If only my roommate knocked before he walked in, I could have initiated the proper Time Out procedure and saved embarrassment.” There is hope for those that have been caught practicing Fantasy Masturbation. If this becomes a widely known concept and acceptable for discussion around the workplace water cooler, then there will be little need for embarrassment. “Honey, could turn the orgasm sounds down? I’m on the phone with my mother wishing her a happy birthday” might become an expression heard in every American family, regardless of political or religious affiliation. Prior to the start of a Fantasy Masturbation tournament, an alternative national anthem may be used to convey the bond that this newly public phenomenon creates. Instead of standing up and holding a hat over one’s heart to Francis Scott Key’s “Star Spangled Banner,” standing up and holding a hand over one’s genitals while singing Chuck Berry’s “My Ding-a-ling” would be more appropriate. Sports have been known to bring people together and Fantasy Masturbation might be used as a bond to bring Americans of all faiths and political leanings together. With that, we can hope one day to achieve world peace that our leaders across the world have been looking for hundreds of years.

So, as the month of May descends upon us, let us take the time to celebrate and truly acknowledge masturbation as a pastime that has no clear ethnic or cultural origin, but appeals to many people around the world. Unbeknownst to many people, the benefits of Fantasy Masturbation are there. With the low risk of injury, the health benefits and the potential for a better world where everybody can get along, Fantasy Masturbation is not just something that can take place late at night in one’s bedroom or bathroom, or in front of one’s computer. Fantasy Masturbation can become a widely acceptable piece of sports talk, taking up time on sports talk radio stations and even on ESPN. So, while the axiom of “There is no ‘I’ in TEAM” is correct, there is a “Me.” The “Me” is the only necessary component in Fantasy Masturbation. If you take out the M and the E of TEAM, you get T and A, the very idea of which is enough of a stimulation to get a round of Fantasy Masturbation started.

A postscript: Last night, my Fantasy Masturbation team was down 215 points. However, I checked this morning and my current ranking shows a net gain of 312 points. Fantasy Masturbation is different from other sports in that this is one sport where it is good if your team chokes.