The other day I watched a TV show, and a friend and I were discussing it yesterday. We were talking about how to find a partner. She wasn't keen on using web sites (and I am GLAD to hear that!).  The TV show was about a man who started a website just for people who want to cheat. They are already in established relationships and want other partners without their original partner finding out.

Apparently over 70% of people on sites like "Match.com" are married or living with someone! Can you imagine the odds of finding one that really is single...oh and that 70% who are saying they are single, does not include the ones that DO put their status as married and are at least up front about it. So how many people does that leave??

I won't even get into the statistics on how UNsuccessful relationships are when you are already attached, and your partner also is, when you get into a relationship. It ends, fairly quickly. All the time.

The sites like to tout that they have a huge success rate, what they don't tell you is that the matches usually last days , and the average for "long term" is 3-9 months. They say that "so and so was married" , but they don't tell you that the divorce rate on sites like thiers is higher than the already astronomical national average.

There are tons of reasons for this. First of all , it is easy to lie on these sites. You can make yourself up to be whomever you want to. Most people are on those sites for a reason. It may be that no one in their town will have anything to do with them; they are married or in a relationship already; they have a criminal background; they are con men; they are desperate; they have mental and emotional issues. Some just love the romance or attention. Many of my clients tell of getting 10 calls a day from a guy, then he stops. Of course he did! How the heck can he get anything done calling you ten times a day!?  You think that is healthy? You think that is romance? THAT is desperation.

I have already written how you cannot have a good realtionship til you love yourself. Now this doesn't mean be egotistical, it means be secure in who you are. If you think you are a bad person, unattractive, or hate life, then you do not belong in a relationship. You also need to be ready in a practical sense. Make sure that your finances are in order, a parter is not a tool for bailing you out of financial burden , even by sharing the rent. When you have children, don't be looking for a "mother/father" for the children, you need to be all that (and so does the original partner/parent). A person is not coming into your life to be your babysitter. In other words, you need to have your act together, and be able to independently make it on your own. There should be not "purpose" in finding a partner , other than to have someone to share your life with.

If you need someone to "complete you", you need a therapist, only YOU can complete you. If you are lonely, get a dog or a cat, the VHS will love you. Need financial support? Get another job (or a first one). These are not reasons for getting into a relationship, NOR for staying in one. Need more sex? Sex is THE easiest thing to find in this world, the love that goes with it, much harder. I suppose if you just want sex partners, the online sites would work well for you...but you still need to be careful there! One lady said she slept with 150 men in a 6 month period, and had more than one partner on some days. So when you have sex with her, you have sex with 150 other guys...YUCK. 

When you cannot be happy with your own company, why would anyone else?  Make sure that you are ready (bills paid, healthy, no ties to past relationships, working, not looking for someone to raise your kids or complete you). Make sure that you are looking for someone to share your time, love and attention with. They don't have to have all the same likes and dislikes, but there does need to be some things in common, and the most important ones are how you live. If you want to live in the city, and they want to live in the country, you may have a problem. When you are a neat , clean person, and the other is a slob, you WILL have a problem.

When people go on to these dating sites, they forget all the stuff they need to know. They reach desperation point and date people that they would never have even looked at in the past. They date, break up, and so it goes.
 
So how do you find a mate?

Stop looking.

Yup, that is how you find the perfect mate. Just go about your business. Go to do things that you like to do. Don't be desperate, this isn't a race, there is no time limit. Become that whole , healthy person if you are not there yet. Get the bills paid, the kids under control, and create a life for yourself. Don't have a hobby or group you belong to? Join one, join several!

The dating sites are just modern bars. How many , long term matches are made in bars?

Let the Universe send the right person to you, and let them send it when you really are ready (many THINK they are ready and are not).

When you get a little weak and want to go on those sites, just remember that 70% of those who say they are looking for someone, are already in a relationship. When they get tired of you, the same thing will happen, you will see your lover on an online dating site....after you cosigned for his car, and paid for his back child support, not to mention you may be sleeping with 150 other people.

I am sure there are success stories out there, but from what the research shows, it is about 1% that end up in happy, long term relationships. You have a better shot just going to a class that interests you and meeting new people there. Maybe your partner isn't there, but maybe their friend, sister, mother...is!

Take your time, be ready, find quality.
...and don't read those "SOULMATE" books..