Ladies and gentlemen, that time of the year is upon us. You've seen the ads on TV, fought off customers tooth and nail, perhaps even travelled to visit the 'rents. It is, in no uncertain terms, the crux of the holiday season, an absolute apex among an assortment of autumnal occasions.

While this madness explodes into an orgiastic tango of histrionics, a people once-removed will be watching from a distance, chewing thoughtfully on their moo goo gai pan.

"Say what?" you ask.

See, there are these people, these 'Others', who do not partake in our particular ode to joy. They do not worship the decorated tree, the caroling choir, nor even the noggy egg drink. It is rumored that they believe it's all a Satanic ploy to corrupt our souls, but I must stress that this has not been confirmed. For reasons beyond my capacity to fully understand, these people -- dare I say it -- Do Not Celebrate Christmas.

"OK, but doesn't the entire universe grind to a halt on Christmas? What else is there to do?" That is a clever question, and I thank you for bringing it up.

Well there is one time-honored tradition that comes to mind, a tradition so old that Jesus is said to have seen his savior's face in a bowl of wonton soup while engaging in it. A tradition that started with one group of Others sitting around wondering what to do with themselves while all their friends were off worshipping one (or more) of the aforementioned items, while a second group volunteered something awesome to eat. It was in this convenient Decembrical pairing that a symbiotic relationship was born.

I am referring, of course, to Jews eating Chinese food on Christmas. See, neither of them is busy, so it's perfect. So perfect, in fact, that I would like to make it the official alternative to Christmas and invite anyone who wants to eat, knows a bomb-ass place to do so, or isn't otherwise occupied.

RSVP if interested or you owe me money.