So I'm sitting in front of my makeshift Louisville studio (the laptop), listening to the beats and looking over the lyrics I have in mind thus far for the album and dang: as much as I thought I left Don Libido behind and am trying to live more positively these days (even working the Buddha-dharma into my life), this Brian Pelican material is far more dark/perverted/"wrong" than anything I did as that other guy. I wouldn't be surprised if I lose a few of those old Libido fans, honestly. Pelican isn't as playful as Libido.* But if I were the same Don Libido of a half-decade ago then what does that say about me? Shit, I don't even relate to the songs I recorded in '04 and '05 anymore.

I've always thought of music as a means of catharsis, that Libido and later Pelican are in some ways a personal exorcism for the Brian Lopez who has the day to day bullshit with which to deal. But then I find the music is- no major revelation- also a meditation. And when I focus upon some of the less savory thoughts that cross my mind, the darker parts of my past, the wrongs committed upon me and the cruel shit I've done to others, well, frankly the music inspires me to continue the cycle. What kind of catharsis is that? Not exactly an exorcism, eh, more so an invocation.

This music is also part of my legacy. How much will my kids understand that yes, while I did do an excessive amount of drugs and alcohol, that I have held grudges and hatred far beyond anything that would be even remotely productive, that I have hurt others simply because I could be a dick (I’ve had at least three people want to kill me- that is, I’m no stranger to death threats-I once would have bragged about that, now I find it shameful), that while my songs reflect this, this does not mean that I endorse hatred, that for the record I am not a misogynist, that I do believe people are basically good but oftentimes make all-too-human mistakes that fall under the umbrella of “evil,” that being positive does not equal being weak, that I’m better than the sum of my art?

Maybe I’m making too much of this. Maybe the little girl I’m playing father figure for will hear the songs I’ve recorded, read the words I’ve written and just get that I had and will still have some negativity issues, but that I’m also someone who strives for a little sunshine (it’s 3:15 AM and I’m working on a track called “Sunshine”…yep…a song about playing a game of one-on-one basketball with my girlfriend’s kid…is it group hug time yet?…don’t worry, I’m going to do an obligatory depraved sex song next week, promise).

And the beat goes on.

I’m going to post new songs on www.myspace.com/donlibido over the next several weeks (not just instrumental tracks in the works), including free downloads/exclusives. Check it out from time to time. Give me your opinion.

Side note: before writing this I listened to Ill Bill’s Hour of Reprisal album. In his song, Riva (dedicated to his daughter), he states: “I don’t give a fuck how gangster you think you are/ When you witness the birth of your first child it hits hard”. Something I have yet to witness, my biological kid’s birth, that is, but I think I get where he’s coming from.

*I tend to think of Don Libido as the happy, sarcastic, shit-talking drunk guy who’s looking for some easy ass and another beer the night before. Brian Pelican is the hangover and reflection the morning after.