i had a close call today. actually for the past week i come to find out.

Tom was planning on leaving today while i was at work. He told my brother that he couldn’t deal with all the fighting anymore, and the fact that im trying to control what he does and how he does it.

I have always had a controlling personality. It has always been my way or the highway pretty much. and that is the very reason why none of my relationships in the past have lasted very long: because i try to control the other person and try to make them the way i want them to be.

but i have finally opened my eyes today, and it took Tom, my life, my world, the  man that i love, to want to leave.

I honestly dont know what i would do if he left. He is the glue holding me together right now. Without him, i would be lost in this world. He is what i look forward to coming home to at night after a hard day at work. I wait all night to be in his arms at night. Thats what allows me to get through the day at work. And without that, i wouldn’t be able to carry on to the next day.

So, with that said, i have chosen to finally change. and just fyi, i have NEVER been willing to change for ANYONE i have dated. So i am stepping up and being a bigger person and changing because i know that it is the main reason why we have been fighting and why he was planning on leaving tonight. I am now working on not being controlling of other people’s lifes, especially the ones i hold close to me. and that includes my brother Josh. The majority of the fights between josh and tom and i are because i want them to live thier lives like im living mine. and i have come to realize that i cant do that anymore. it is thier life. And i started dating tom knowing full well the kind of person he is. i knew he smoked pot. and he has slowed down on that ALOT since we have been together. it just took a lot to see it finally.

So i am now a changed person....or...well, trying to get there. it might take a bit, but i am very committed to this one. i have said in the past that i was going to change, but i never really did, i just thought i did. but this time is for real. i cant lose tom and i cant lose my brother. they are pretty much all i have right now.

k im done venting and letting it all out.

thanks for listening