So I've heard, in the past, how Crown Tournament is addictive.  Having now experienced my first Crown Tourney, first hand, I believe it.  I'm totally hooked.  There's something about having a vested interest in the outcome of a fight to really put a fighter into a completely different mindset.  For the first time in my 13 or so years of fighting, I am getting a sense of that and I have a feeling it will pull my fighting into a whole new level if I can maintain it.

For the highlights:
I went 3 and out, this time, but I am not disappointed in the least.  I had a warm up challenge fight with Master Andrixos, which left me less than satisfied with myself  despite my win.  My first fight in earnest was against HL Talbot (just announced this weekend for induction into the order of Chivalry).  Again, not a bad fight, but the darn lefty prevailed over me.  I have a definite hang up regarding lefties that I've been trying to mentally conquer for a while.  My second fight in earnest was against Hans.  Again a great fight; I think actually my best of the day.  Hans is not easy fight.  He's got that fast fluidity that I love to see in good fighters. Had I come to the fight with the mentality I had in my bout against Talbot, I would have handily lost this fight.  But Hans got to bare the brunt of my first true and complete triumph over my own head.  I don't think anyone's seen that kind of sheer determination and ownership out of me in a fight ever before.  I'm making a conscious effort to tap into that, and I can feel the incredible difference it makes.  More on this later.  Hans came out Florentine, and I stayed with Sword and Shield. I think the crowd gave a unconscious sigh of "well, it's over" when Hans took my legs, but I kept hearing Tristram's words to me in my head: "never give up!".  After some good sparring back and forth, I finally laid a sword on his helm.  The stroke was not too terribly hard (something I need to work on), but it was clean, and Hans, being the chivalrous lad he has always been, took the shot. My third bout caught me off guard as I didn't realize I was arming and scrambled to get my armor on in time.  It was against His Grace Lorell, and I just opened myself up too easily for him to shoot at me.  It was the dumbest move I made all day, but still a learning experience.

Overall, I'm completely thrilled with the experience, not because of the fighting, per se, but because of what I am learning about myself with regard to mental preparation.  My fights, themselves, were fair to middlin.  And in only one of them did I ever feel like I was in THE head space, but all of that experience gives me much food for thought with regards to my fighting.   

I firmly believe we chicks, in general, can stand toe to toe with men on the fighting field physically. But more and more, I am feeling the difference in our mental and emotional make up when compared to men.  I intimated to several of my male mentors, teachers and confidantes this weekend my desire to channel and focus a kind of controlled aggression.  Many of the reactions to that were extremely cautionary.  One friend, even had difficulty using the word "aggression" while speaking of mental preparation for fighting.  We're taught so much in the SCA not to fight angry, and I think, it's something we should all heed.  There's a thin line between aggression and anger, and I think that line is much more thin and delicate for men than it is for women.  I wouldn't recommend this kind of channeling or focusing for most men, at all.  It seems that testosterone gives them that aggression naturally, but as a female, I feel that I have to produce it externally.  You see it time and again in the real world.  Men can be mentally ready for a fight at a moment's notice.  Insult a man's pride or somehow "cross the line" and "it's on", but you have to attempt something along the lines of stealing a baby or raping a grandma to get a woman to the same point.  Yes, I'm speaking in generalities, but for me, at least, it's true. I believe men work hard on the fighting to field to keep their aggression in check.  Most that I talk to can speak to instances wherein they felt on the verge of losing all control of aggression such that it triggers a state something akin to blind rage, whether on the field or off.  This to me, as a female, is a nearly foreign concept.  I've never felt anything akin to that.  And I've certainly never felt, in my fighting, as if it's something close to a real fight.  I've simply been executing a series of muscle movements, without a true care as to the outcome, because it's fun.  I'm not too competitive by nature, and much less so the older I get, so I've been happily fighting for fighting's sake. I've never fought to win.  Consequently, that complacency has kept me on this firm plateau on the journey of progression that has lasted for many years.  The question I've asked of myself for many years is how to get over this plateau.  After working up to Crown tournament and fighting through it, I believe I've finally found the answer.  It's two fold:  1) learn how to tap into controlled aggression and 2) know you're going to win such that, mentally, there is no question in your mind or your opponent's (i.e. own your field). 

I've been able to successfully do both of these things twice now, and each time, I surprised myself with regard to confidence and physical presence.  In my fight with Hans, I was, quite by accident, given a moment to "work myself up" before the lay-on such that I got myself into a mental state of sheer will and defiance.  I dare say, I developed a feeling that borders on a momentary loathing for my opponent for the first time ever.  Don't get me wrong:  I adore Hans.  But this wasn't about him - it wasn't Hans I was fighting.  In my own mind, I was fighting a person who stood in defiance of my right to sit the Throne. Yeah, I know.  It's hubris, but mentally, it worked.  As the lay on was called, I distinctly remember thinking: "Get off my field!"  I wasn't able to tap into that again with my fight for Lorell, so I'm consciously thinking about that, now, about what it takes to bring that mentality when you really need it.  And, yes, I can see how it can be dangerous.  Assholes are bred this way, so I know I have to be careful with it.  Right now, it's easy for me to turn the switch off, but then again, when I know how to turn it on readily, I have to maintain an awareness of the potential therein.  It's an interesting new adventure, for sure. 

Anyway, this is all new thought, so, as ever, I always welcome comments from those more in the know.  I owe a big THANKS to Tristram for helping with all this.  He really put me in a mind to start mentally preparing for my first Crown, which has driven all this thought further into my training.  And I'm so thankful for those that have offered such great encouragement.  I still maintain that this is the bestest, most wonderfulest organization of folks ever.

OK. . .I've rambled enough and need to just get this on the blog.  I can't wait until May! After all, I don't think I can rest until Calontir has a Harpy Queen!