I still can’t write about it fully, but as much as I pained over Fergus’ death, and my involvement thereof, it was a reset for me.  The bad I was experiencing before that just seems less heavy now.   In a twisted way, I feel lighter and more open having been washed over by a focused grief such as this.  It’s hard to express really. 

I had the discussion via phone with a good friend who understands depression (which I had been experiencing to some degree prior to this event).  He wanted to make sure I wasn’t spiraling deeper into depression as a result of Fergus’ passing.  I told him that surprisingly it was quite the opposite, that I could actually visualize that I was going to eventually come out of this. It seems to me that grieving has a readily tangible impact.  I came to the conclusion that grieving is not easy by any measure, but depression is actually harder to take.  Grieving has a focus.  Depression does not. 

And so, having survived the ordeal, I am somehow better for it, despite the tragedy and heartbreak therein. I am resetting and my perception is different.  That’s a good thing.