When I was a kid my Dad married Maria, the woman who gave me a home and a family when I felt that I had none... She also gave me a step-sister, Chris, and two step-brothers, Ben and Jason.

I felt like I was a part of the family for a long time. And then I didn't. There were issues at home between us kids, and between Dad and Ma, No one ever really confronted the issues, we were just taken to counseling to work it out... It didn't work. As we grew up we all grew apart. It happens... Divorce happens and it did in our case...

After the divorce I went to stay with my Dad even after Ma offered me a home with her and my brothers and sister.  Too much had happened and too much had been said for that to work out, but I really wanted it... needed it in fact.

In December, Ben died of a massive heart attack. It shocked us all. His friends and Chris got together and planned a fundraiser for his wife and two kids as Ben had no life insurance and Michelle didn't work...

Saturday night, the day after what would have been Ben's birthday the fundraiser was held. I was terrified to say the least. At lot had happened in my childhood and it was not all good, I knew that I HAD to face my neighbors, classmates AND my step-sister and step-brother.

I have held on to feelings of worthlessness and self loathing for over twenty years. I saw myself as the black sheep of the family, the neighborhood and of the schools I attended. I was a troubled kid to say the least. I felt like I was the unaccepted person and the one that everyone made fun of... I forever (even to this day) have lived in the shadow of these feelings. I forever have been introduced as the step sister of one Bell or another... People in school would not call me by name, but by "Benny's step sister" or "Jason's step sister"... never as Carolyn, or Kari... it grated on my nerves. It grated on my nerves because I always saw them as my SISTER and my BROTHERS... never as my STEP...

At the benefit I was beyond terrified of facing these people and reliving the old feelings of doubt and pain... I held my head high and walked in the door.

I made it a point to run into everyone that I needed to, and was stunned and surprised to be approached by these people and called Carolyn or Kari. Blown away really. All the hugs and warmth that was directed at me have totally changed how I feel about myself now... and how I see my past. I may not have totally fit in, but I was accepted for being myself and loved regardless of what was happening around me and in my life... I was too blinded by doubt and pain to see this as a kid. I see it now.

My SISTER, Chris, introduced me as her sister/step sister/sister. I smiled and told her it was ok, in my heart she would always be my sister. For that, she gave me a hug and dissipated all my resentments of the last 20+ years. After reconnecting with Jason and trying to play catch up and exchanging phone numbers etc, he got real worried about how I was getting home to Wheaton and was trying to get me to call him when I got home so he knew that I was safe. I reassured him that I was staying in Chicago and promised to get in touch with him soon so that he could meet Nathan. He said he would like that very much.

The turn out at the gym was unlike anything I have seen to date. Everyone there, parents, "kids" teachers, the dean of students (Yes, MR G SHOWED UP), family... all there to help out the family of one man who had touched so many lives, had helped so many people. Amazing simply amazing.

While Ben and I didn't really get along, and we had our own set of issues, I can say here that I forgive him for who he was then, because he became who he was at the time of his death. I am sad that he is gone, but his passing has brought me closer to the remaining members of my extended family and relived me of the burdens of my childhood.

I have missed you Ben, but more than anything I missed who you became. You will always be my brother, and you were loved by so many!
Journey in Peace,
Kari