I think, for now, I know what I need. I need a teacher, a mentor, a wise friend, or perhaps an experienced lover. I need someone I can actually learn from; not petty intellectual knowledge, but true experience, the experience of life, and how to live more fully.

I need this more than classes, more than finally becoming an "official" adult (fuck this stupid 21 shit), more than sex or simply "blowing my load". I have money, time, and my right hand for that. And all of those are worthless.

I find myself in classes becoming more of a secondary teacher than any student should. I'm always "taking the initiative" and putting on the leader (or is it dunce?) cap. But what I need, for where I'm going, for where I want to go, is a leader. I need someone who can shine a light on my path(s). I don't want/need someone to hold my hand or pick my path; no, I just need someone with the experience to give me a map, or a lantern, or maybe just a shove.

In absence of this for now, I must continue to rely on myself and the introspection of lyrical de-construction.



"On My Side"
Artist: Ra

It sounds like a whisper
It seems like a dream
It breaks and it falls
It tears at the seam

Suppose that it happens
Suppose that it's real
Supposing you're right
Suppose it won't heal forever

And I will get old and tired
And nothing will get to me
No one will want to have me
Longing to be set free

If only the sun would take me
If only the wind was on my side [2x]

I wish I could see you
I'm stuck in a fog
I wish I had patience
A virtue says god

I wish I had wishes
A gold magic charm
I'd wish for more time
I'd wish to go far away

And I will get old and tired
And nothing will get to me
No one will want to have me
Longing to be set free

If only the sun would take me
If only the wind was on my side [2x]

I can hear voices calling
And I can feel weight upon my mind
You'll hold my hand in your hand
And after I'm gone you'll still have
Time to figure out the things,
The things that left me empty inside

If only the sun would take me
If only the wind was on my side
If only the wind was on my side...[2x]
Wooooa... on my side


I did it again tonight; I went driving, to places that are someone else's destination. I listened to the irrational, intuitive element- the element of dreams -and tried to rationalize it. The fear returned, shriveling my skin; ghastly chills haunting my spine. And I saw what I needed to see, but no confrontation, no drama, no scene. Sure I got some inspiration from it, a feeling to drip into my script, but nothing to continue my own story. The ghost, my muse, sauntered out, friends in tow, perhaps a lover in hand. Not quite like I had imagined, but close enough.

Alas, no dreams were settled, not like the first two. Perhaps I should just let them go, let the ghost go, that seems rational right? But then the pain subsides, and my mind is left without enough pieces to draw this tragic scene. I still know not how it all crumbled down.


"Only"
Artist: Ra
(and as the sun goes down I cry myself to sleep)
I watch the bugs crawling across my skin
Now that you are gone, I can let things crumble
And though it seems that this was meant to be
It's so hard to see and all I do is stumble

The candles burn but it's still too dark
I have given up so it's not worth trying
I'll face the truth when I think I can
Try to understand what I love denying

I'm only
Falling through the cracks
I'm only
Losing my will to live
I'm only
Broken and beaten down
I'm only... I'm only

I've got to go; this place is poison now
Now that you are gone and your ghost ignores me
I beg and plead with eternity
But this fantasy I see abhors me

The visions come during day or night
Angels, devils pray on my weak condition
And out of reach there's a tiny light
That could set things right if I could change position

I'm only
Falling through the cracks
I'm only
Losing my will to live
I'm only
Broken and beaten down
I'm only... I'm only

If only the sun could spare me this pain
I would open up the doors and let him in
And look into his eyes
Just burn away your lies
Tear you from my heart and from my soul

I'm only
Falling through the cracks
I'm only
Losing my will to live
I'm only
Broken and beaten down
I'm only... I'm only [2x]

It's a sad day when a suicide would hardly make a ripple, hardly leave an impression, and probably miss the mark. Maybe I create my own lonely prison, it's entirely possible, but where's that damn bitch with the keys in her mouth? And even if I could get myself out, what's the point? I see nothing from this towered view worth saving, worth pursuing, worth living or even dying for. It's all so superficial and fleeting, like sand castles on stormy beaches.


"Tell Me"
Ra

In violation of a thought a long-long time ago,
Impressive reasons fill the caverns of my mind
No celebration for the people that I didn't know
Connected even though there's nothing left to find

There's more than I can say
And there's a deeper part of me
Won't you be my inspiration
Help me end my desperation now

Tell me what it is I'm meant to do
I've fallen to my knees
I've shed away my tears
And lost my destiny

I sit beneath the sun
My hands held to the sky
I cannot ask a question
But still I wonder why

Poetic justice never seems to make the world feel right
Chaotic voices in the darkness call your name
You turn away from me whenever I remind you of the day the sun
Saw through the lies exposing all the pain.

There's more than I can say
And there's a deeper part of me
Won't you be my inspiration
Help me end my desperation now

Tell me what it is I'm meant to do
I've fallen to my knees
I've shed away my tears
And lost my destiny

I sit beneath the sun
My hands held to the sky
I cannot ask a question
But still I wonder why

And there's so much pain
And there's so much war
And there's so much hurt
I can take no more
Won't you come and take me
To another daaaaaaaayeah
And Take me far away.

There's more than I can say
And there's a deeper part of me
Won't you be my inspiration
Help me end my desperation now

Tell me what it is I'm meant to do
I've fallen to my knees
I've shed away my tears
And lost my destiny

I sit beneath the sun
My hands held to the sky
I cannot ask a question
But still I wonder why

Someone, anyone, anything (I'll take little green or gray fuckers if need be) just fucking take me away. Away to someplace full of life, full of mystery, full of intrigue- not this lifeless noir, a real-life flick with a stick, a twig to gouge out my eyes with.

Perhaps I feel my ego swelling, perhaps this is the idealist rumblings of a not-so-special, delusional "child". Perhaps the myths and mysteries are nothing more than stories. Perhaps this feeling of purpose, of meaning is just another illusion, another shadow that dances along my prison's walls.

Who the fuck has that key!?!?

Why do I do this to myself? I torture myself, I torment myself, I put myself within pain's dreaded embrace. Why? I could let go at any time, I could walk away. I could forget (hell, I already did the forgiving part), but that's not enough. No, I'm waiting for something, but what I know not. That unamusing whore, Babalon's scourge, my psychedelic plague has my mind wracked.

I'm so used to people not sticking to me, that I cannot deal with being stuck to someone. Pressed perhaps, but only to the bottom of black boots like unwanted gum from a club floor. I wish I knew what I did wrong, so I could at least learn from the experience.

But no, just another teacher passing me by the wayside, a harried, shaggy hitchhiker on the road to enlightenment. Perhaps red stains would match my sun-burnt arms, but alas, the blade is jammed into my chest. Not enough to kill, just enough to make it hard to breathe, hard to move on.

I'm still not old enough to buy a fucking beer, but that only seems to reaffirm the notion that this damned world is just another meaningless abstraction, a distraction filled with shit. A rat race overflowing with spoiled, rotten cheese. Sure, I could take action, but you forget:

I'm too young,

despite my sagging eyes, my weary soul, my pressing intellect, my thoughtful words, and the growing lines about my face.

I guess it's just a visage, and I bought into it too.



Fuck! Gimme that key, bitch!