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Category: Life
Back in the day when I shared apartments with some rowdy friends, we got hours of in-house entertainment from constructing involved answering machine messages. This was long before digital voice mail. Even before code-a-phones allowed you to produce the spot to the length of your choice. At that time, your answering tape could be either 60 or 30 seconds. Should we have finished the text of our message before the allotted time frame, then there would be either dead air until the tape ran out, or an annoying *beeeeeeeeeeeep* covering the remainder of the tape. Most folks hated that, so we chose to flesh out the time with oft complex productions.
At first, just friends and family would hear our thespian efforts, often leaving messages that were nothing more than laughter. I guess they were so tickled they began letting other folks know, and we would get calls from those unbeknownst to us. Imagine how weird it was sometimes when we would be home and answer, only to have a stranger ask if we could hang up so they could call back to hear the recording.
Eventually it started to get out of hand, because a local radio station began a bit on their morning show where they would pick the “Answering Machine Message of the Day” and play it over the air. Ours became one of their ongoing favorites. But instead of playing it multiple times throughout the show, they would just give out our number.
I recall being away on a business trip for a few days, only to come home and find something like 109 messages on the machine. Most of them just chuckles and guffaws. A few with mock indignation over one of our satirical forays. Occasionally some folks who truly thought we had crossed the line. Of course, since they called, we could hardly be guilty of crossing anything—they came to us. : )
So, you ask, what exactly were these miniature epics like? Imagine anywhere from two to ten people each with script in hand, various sound effects, synched background music, and even choral arrangements worked out. Like the old days of recording--before multi-tracks or dubbing—we had to get everything right from all participants in one pass. Often it ended up being 20 or more tries, punctuated with much hilarity and mock disgust when someone would miss their cue, mispronounce a word, or crack up. The absolute worst was when you would finally get a brilliant take, but the tape would end 1 second before we did, thus cutting off the punch line or the beep. So we would have to try to do it all again just a tad faster.
I’ve kept several cassettes loaded with these behind-the-scenes shenanigans, and they never fail to keep me and others rolling when revisited. I believe one 30 second production took close to three hours before finally hitting the mark.
Here is a selection of some of these prodigious performances:
- Just 20 days until Oral Roberts dies! (counting down his self-imposed “calling home” if he didn’t raise $8 million by a certain date)
- Pristine Potentate’s Gymnatorium (featuring lots of “lift, clean, and jerk” references)
- Mortimer Snerd’s Hairlip Enunciation Courses
- Jim Rockford’s Answering Machine (featuring Lance, his limp-wristed house boy, who would often be beaten viciously by Jim while he told Rockford “Ooooh, Jimbo…Owwww…I’ll give you ten minutes to stop that!”)
- The Porgy Tirebiter Singers (kind of a cross of Up With People and South Park)
- The Adventures of Underdog, Sweet Polly Purebread, and Simon-Bar-Sinister
- Dial a Debutante (a precursor of Girls Gone Wild)
- The Opera of the Absurd
- Various Pro Wrastlin’ Throwdowns (featuring Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, Adrian “Man Boobs” Adonis, BoBo Brazil, Dale the Bus/Pile Driver, The Pencil Neck Geek, Hip Hulgan, Sergeant Slaughter, Jimmy “The Mouth of the South” Hart, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, etc.)
- Headbanger’s Ball (tributes to various heavy metal anthems and cliches)
- Phil Madeira’s Flippin’ Keyboards (sordid ditties by the one and only songwriter extraordinaire)
- Uncle Remus’ Unrighteous Riddles (loads of double entendres)
- Poetry’s Royal Promenade (ribald stanzas often hosted by Percy Persimmons)
- The Stammer/Stutter Debate Team (not in very good taste—but insanely funny)
- Billy Grahams’ Sermonettes for Sinners
- Insipid Interludes w/ Jeff, the Angriest Evangelical in the World (some serious rants)
- Las Vegas Lounge Lizards (featuring memorable performances such as “Don’t Go Changin’,” “Love Ya Like a Rock,” “Babe,” “You’re The Only Reason,” “Torn Between Two Lovers,” “Shannon,” “Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad,” “Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady,” and “Don’t Fight the Feelin’” among others)
- Bobby T’s Hazardous Waste Clean-up Crew (usually in the aftermath of a large party)
- A Flatulence Festivale (you could almost smell how good these were)
- An Amish Eubonics Seminar (quite bent)
- Bong Water! (odes to stoners, reefers, snort-mongers, and waste-oids)
- Feeders Anonymous (detailed descriptions of our culinary mannerisms)
- Johnny Dangerously’s Swearing School (featuring variations on “fargin’ icehole!” “sons of bastages!” “Shhhhell!” “Judas H. Priest!” “brickin’ brackin’ frickin’ frackin’ son of a badger pup!” and many more)
- He-man Pink Steel (our resident porno star)
- Whinin’ Simon LeBron from Duran Duran butchering numerous pop classics
- Epic Tales (Tails?) of Buddy the Cat (perhaps the strangest of all our campaigns)
- Karl the Latvian Love King (indescribably bad)
- Sex: Fact and Fiction for Teenagers. Excerpts from a 1957 handbook put out by the Southern Baptists. What made each portion unique was that it was ever so slightly edited and read by “Walt Disney Documentary Guy” (ya know—overly enthusiastic and condescending). Here’s an example:
There are some girls who feel that in order to be popular they must do the “expected” thing. Oddly enough, most boys don’t expect anything. Even the boy with the reputation of a “wolf” has a basic respect for girls, in spite of all his bragging. How far he will go depends entirely on how far the girl lets him go. If he thinks the girl is “easy,” he’ll take advantage of it; but if the girl lets him know she’s not “fast,” the boy will accept it, in most instances gracefully, and end up having more respect for her. However, sometimes girls, you need a baseball bat.
Each boy reacts differently to a baseball bat. You’ve probably had a date with a boy you didn’t know too well, and been told by your girl friends the next day that this boy takes girls out for one purpose—to eat rhubarb pie. This may have come as a big surprise, since he never made a false move. As a matter of fact, you thought he was a very nice boy, and you rather liked the rhubarb pie. You had such a good time, you were hoping he’d ask you for another date. Don’t worry, he probably will…and we will to if you leave your name and number for Dale, Karl, or Mark.
- Others from this sex handbook would be narrated by two flaming fellas who massively over-enunciated and pranced about the text (I usually voiced one of these, and, will have to admit, I’m awfully good at it….hmmmmm). For example:
Whatever you do, dress like a girl. Blue jeans and slacks are all right for picnics, horse back riding, cycling, and other activities when a dress might be a disadvantage; but don’t wear them all the time. The same goes for shorts. Use your head when you choose what to wear.
Clothes should be kept clean, too. Wearing a soiled blouse, skirt, or sweater does not add to your attractiveness. This goes for under clothing, too. Even though they are hidden from your outer wear, good grooming makes it a must for them to always be fresh and clean. Make a habit of washing your panties, bras, and stockings before you go to bed at night...they’ll be fresh and clean in the morning.
Don’t overuse cosmetics. Actually you should not use anything but lipstick; pancake makeup, rouge, powder, and all the other things that are supposed to make you look “radiant” often do just the opposite. If you do use a little make-up for dress-up occasions, use it sparingly and make sure you choose the proper shades. Unusual or off color shades may be used to advantage by older men, but they’re not for you. However, Mark, Karl or Dale could be just right for you if you’ll just leave ‘em a little messagy thingy.
Alas, we’re now in an age where—in most cases--folks no longer want to listen to a 30 or 60 second message. But, it was a fun period while it lasted. Now you can move on to your next blog at the sound of the tone……….(wait for it!)…………………………………*beeeeep*
2:02 AM
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