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Current mood:  hopeful Category: Life
I have always wondered about life. Perhaps that is why I am a tarot reader and spiritual intuitive - I want to understand it. Last night I was doing a reading for someone - and I will admit I know nothing of her. Yes, she is a server at the restaurant I run sound at, but I really know nothing about her. During the reading a name just popped into my head. I heard it plain as day. I spoke it to her and at first she did not realize it was the man she is interested in - his name is William or Will, but most call him Bill - I said "Who is Bill?"
The point is not about her or the reading, but WHY does this happen to me? Why did I hear this one and only name? And in a strange way too. If you remember the first Die Hard movie - there is a scene where "John McClain" is meeting the "bad guy" for the first time, and they are standing there and the bad guy turns off his accent when McClain asks, "So, what is your name." You hear the man say "Bill", then the camera cuts to the wall and there is a list of names of people who work there, and a name is clear as the bad guy says "Bill Clay" and you are looking at the name "William Clay." Last night, when I heard the name, I heard it the same way - it was "Bill - Bill" and it repeated like the movie. To me it brought an image of the movie and when I told her the name, and she said "his name is really William" I realized how I was seeing this.
I don't understand where this all comes from. I don't know her. I don't even know myself sometimes. But it happens. And for most of my life, although it was only 15 years ago that I really began to understand it and the fact that I was not crazy and hearing things. But life - all that it is - all that it brings to us - it fascinates me and confuses me all at the same time.
Yesterday I found out someone very dear to me, someone I dated and would have considered being with - has taken a turn for the worse in her illness. I will see her in a few days and I don't know what to expect. I love her. I admit it. I knew there was something there when I met her, and she did as well, and yet it was not about being in a relationship - it was a love of two people who connected on a different level - soul mates perhaps, but not to be married or as partners. In all of this, I felt her, in my soul last night, and then, in my voice mail - a message from her sister saying she had taken a bad turn. I knew it, but I did not want to accept it.
At the time this news came across I already had plans to see her this weekend. We have all known of her condition for close to a year now and it is not good and in fact, we thought we had come to grips with it as being terminal, but even when you accept it, you don't really. In fact in this same trip I will surprise my father and family at his 83rd birthday. They have no idea I am coming (and they don't read myspace). In all of this, I know sometime my parents will pass - and yet I joke that I have a contract with them that they are never allowed to die. I made them sign it when I was younger. And hey, it is a signed contract!
Julie and I are connected in ways I can't explain. I speak little of her to most people, which is unusual for me, but in this way I know it is different. Oh sure, if you are one of my close friends, you know who she is, so I am not hiding anything, but I am different when it comes to her. I can't explain it.
Last night, as I sat at Uncommon Ground waiting for the Open Mic that I run to start, I got very sad. I did not know what to do. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave, but my friends were all there. It was a small crowd - only about 9 performers, but very special performers. I finally walked up to the stage and made my usual announcements and found myself speaking of my friend and saying "and honestly, I just don't give a shit right now, so lets just have fun!" Everyone smiled - people came up to me, and suddenly the night changed. All the performers started having fun and singing silly songs and also emotional songs. They were determined to make me smile. They did - over and over again. I was even asked to join several performers on percussion and all the songs were very special.I was feeling Julie within me as I was sending all this energy to her. I was smiling and crying at the same time. It was something, even now I am having a hard time putting into words.
Crystal Bowersox is an incredible performer and recently wrote a song that she says I inspired - in fact, it is on my profile. "Love you before I leave" is the title. We played it together. It is not a song that lends itself to cajon, but I played anyway. It was sent to Julie - with all my heart and soul! Another wonderful friend, Justic Birnholz, brought all the performers on stage to do one of my favorite songs in only the way he can - "Rainbow Connection", by Kermit the Frog. And backed by all these wonderful performers. Again, I wanted to cry. I joined Matt Ryd with a wonderful song - and I know it is not the title, but I call it "The Rabbit Hole" song. (sorry matt for not knowing the correct title). That was the first song I every played with Matt. I played it again and it was so much fun - more energy being sent to Julie. David Kav - was so silly, but I asked him to play "The Angel Song" that is a pure instrumental (I wish he would do more) and it brought tears to my eyes again. And finally Jeff Churchwell, who is another wonderful performer, invited me up for 2 songs and I have always wanted to play with him and last night I got to - even if I screwed up the ending on one.
The entire night was surreal. I was trying to feel Julie all night - feel her energy and all that she is as a person and a soul - a beautiful soul that has touched so many. I was 2000 miles away from her and yet I knew she could feel all we were doing. I laughed, I cried and I went home exhausted. Not from lack of sleep but simply from life itself. I was drained. I was filled with emotions I could not explain. I called Julie's sister. We cried together. We laughed when I told her of "Kermit" and so much more.
I will see Julie in a few days. I will recount this entire evening to her. We will laugh and I will share with her my love and how much I care for her. But she already knows it. But I will tell her again - and again - as we laugh and just make fools of ourselves.
I may never understand the "fairness" of life. No one ever will, but I know, when it is time for me to leave this world, I will do it with a bang! I know that someday, Julie will transition. But in all that I am, all that I wish I could be, I will continue to share each and every moment of my life telling her how special she is, and how she has changed so many lives.
Thank you to all the people who surround me with love and friendship. I struggle with things sometimes - my own health issues that I fight. Ironically, that is one of the reasons Julie and I chose not to move forward in a relationship. Neither of us thought it fair to place the burden on each other. Funny how life is like that. But the people that surround me - I am truly blessed. Last night, had I been alone, who knows where I might have found myself - what emotional state. Instead, I was surrounded by music, laughter and friendship that made life worth living. Thank you all and please know that Julie felt it all and will experience it again when I share it with her this weekend.
With love to all of you..
Kat
3:00 PM
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