I had a fascinating conversation with my friend Ziska last night about internalized homophobia. I really resonated with he whole concept because of my own experience. I have been into women since puberty, and totally open about it starting in college. I messed around with girls in high school and openly dated women in college, but identified as bisexual the whole time. I realize, of course, that many people actually are true bisexuals, and we all land somewhere on the sexuality spectrum that is rarely one end or the other. I am like 90% into women, I guess. Maybe 95%. But for some reason, and I think I know what it is, I felt very compelled to talk myself into enjoying men physically, and pretending even to myself that I was totally into it. It could be that I have such amazing, wonderful men in my life. But I think it was really my inner hater. That little voice inside that says "it's okay for you guys to live an openly gay life, but not for me." Which is really me telling myself that it's not okay to be gay. Internalized homophobia.

As Ziska said, enlightened San Fransisco native that she apparently is, we all have this internalized homophobia regardless of orientation. And I have been shocked - SHOCKED - by the reaction of some of my liberal-talking friends and acquaintances to my coming out. The same people who would march and shout cadences about my right to be openly gay without stigma at a protest rally will whisper and rant about what a bitch i am for doing this to my best friend/ baby daddy / drummer / future ex-husband Ben. Some have actually confronted me. Some are just newly, visibly uncomfortable around me. Yes, I can fucking hear you. But I am trying to hold my head high over here and be proud of myself for finally having the candor and the cajones to admit that it's okay for me to be openly gay.

There is a reason that the oldest lesbian bar in the country is named Phase. Because the concept of this being a phase is HILARIOUS. Anyone who has had to go through this process knows that it is not a larf, or any fun at all. Yes, gay culture is fabulous. But I think I could attend the parties either way. I would not have bothered to break up the best relationship I ever had, talk to my entire family about what I want in bed, or stay up crying night after night trying to sort this shit out if it was not crucially important. I'm not a teenager trying to be cool, dammit. I am a grown woman who has finally decided it's okay to be who she is.

And I have the following to say to all the people who find conversational entertainment wondering how I could do this to a wonderful guy like Ben, and why we continue to enjoy spending time and being parents together. Because we have always been honest with each other, we were able to work it out. There was no cheating, lying, or any other ethically questionable behavior involved in this breakup. Candor, jerks, that's why. He supports me because he knows how hard it is for me to jump all these hurdles that have stood between me and an honest open life.

So if you are one of those people protecting Ben by hating on me, dig this: I love Ben more than you do. I am better friends with Ben than you are. And sure, it hurt us both a lot this time last year when we officially separated. But at this point, the internalized homophobia that compels you to decide that it is not okay for me to be openly gay hurts him a lot more than staying friends with me does. Assholes. In the interest of gay rights, please go fuck yourselves.