When I was on tour in Europe with the Dusters (as their merch girl), my friend Jesse found a cassette of OMD's "Dazzle Ships" in a little record store in, I believe, Austria. Great record, of course, but I had never heard the phrase before. It now consistently serves as a metaphor for my single life.

Apparently, in WWI, the British came up with a way to camouflage battle ships so that it was difficult for the enemy to determine which direction they were headed. If you have ever seen a large group of zebras together, you get the concept. The ships were painted in a variety of bright colors and strong geometric patterns to dazzle the eye, resulting in much confusion for their pursuers.

I have wondered recently if my crush-prone nature is a result of being dazzled by all the pretty ships in the metaphoric ocean. Since the breakup, I have been witness to such a dazzling variety of beautiful women, I honestly don't know which way to sail. I think somewhere in my brain, my internal navigator arbitrarily plots a course full steam ahead for the most dazzling (read confusing) target visible in the periscope at that moment. Ultimately, this lack of strategy results in my drifting quickly way the fuck off course until I notice that I'm completely lost at sea. SOS, man!

There are three particular qualities that make me vulnerable to drowning in my own lust. Intelligence, wit, and - shallow as it may be - physical beauty. Hey, I'm an artist. I'm sensitive to aesthetics. Like maybe way oversensitive. What I have discovered in this brief but paradoxically eternal past year is that there are so many different attractive kinds of intelligence AND wit AND beauty. How's a captain supposed to know which way to go? It's impossible to determine who's an ally and who's going to lob a torpedo through your hull. Even worse, you can't always prevent yourself from misfiring. Who wants to leave a wake of casualties?

Add talent to the formula - artistic, sexual, either or (have mercy) both - and I am sunk.

So my crew and I have come up with the following strategy: I will turn this battle ship into a cruise ship. It's time for some pleasure voyages. I'm going to sip a few tasty cocktails and enjoy the view. Sure the waters are full of pirates and sea monsters. But maybe I'll drift into a lovely little inlet where my mermaid has always been.

Oh oyster girl, how I look forward to splashing around with you.