Ok this is my first blog so be kind......

I have never felt so much pain and hurt till last thursday. I felt as if i just wanted to die...... It hurt soooooo much.

All the questions.... Why? Why Now? Was there anyone else? Was I not good enough? Did i do something wrong? If i change will it make a difference? What should i change? Why should i have to change?
       These were just the questions I had swimming around my head. And then came the questoins from friends and family..... Why are you crying? Do you want me to kill him? Would it help if i slapped him?
       Im still hurting. today is sunday. And the pain feels as though some one has taken a knife to my chest and just stabbed me over and over again. then they have come and poured salt and lemon juice in the wound. Now they are standing there laughing. "Ha Ha Ha!!!! I got ya didn't I? Well its your stupid fault and you shouldn't have trusted him!!"
          Well I did trust him and I loved him as well. And why shouldn't I have loved him? He was smart and funny and had the cutest dorky-iest smile that could always warm through and through. I had planned to spend the rest of my life with this guy. I was planning on going to a university close to him so it wouldnt be such a distance. I wanted this man to have my babies (for lack of a better term) I never dreamt that this guy who has made me so incrediably happy, would in fact cause me the most heart wrenching pain in the world.
          So why did he see fit to snap my heart in 2 and cause me to die inside? Because I acted to old.  When in fact he is actually a year and one month older than me anyway. No cos i didnt want to go out the weekend before exams and get really drunk he ended it. Well that was the reason at first. Then it was he's not ready for such a huge relationship. I dont no what was so huge about it..... We were lucky to spend one weekend a month together. How on gods green earth does that constitute a huge relationship?
            I want to hate him i really do. I want to be able to inflict at least a quarter of the pain I've felt, back onto him.
         And then last night he goes and gives some guy head? How is that meant to make me feel? Was i not good enough? I realise that he is a guy and they have needs and all that shit but im younger than him and still have/had all the offers for random sex and yet i never once caved to temptation.
       We are going to try at being friends. I don't know if it will work or not.  I really hope we can be firends cos other wise out of a 9 month long relationship what would I have?

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
      
        Welll thanks for listening,
                        love tim.