the genius plan...

So, i've decided to improve and enrich my life by acting more like james bond all the time. I've already got the heavy drinking down, if i can just get a handle on slick spy tactics and womanizing i should be all set. From now on, i will ask myself: WWJD? What Would James Do? And the answer will invariably come back: PKALOASHTAGBSHAC. Probably Kick A Lot Of Ass, Straighten His Tie, And Go Bang Some Hot Ass Chick. I'm gonna try to work that in.

the results...

I've been at it for a few weeks, and, to be honest, the results are not as i previously hoped. I thought i'd be sitting pretty somewhere, possibly floating off the coast of the Maldives in a inflatible rescue raft with a beatiful and scantily clad double agent. No go. But i will tell you what did happen. I was in this bar, having a few drinks, and this asshole guy steps on my toes while walking by. Normal me probably would have let this go, but not WWJD me. I was like, "Hey, dick." When he turned around, i didn't even hesitate for a second. JUDO FUCKING CHOP. Right to the neck. Sadly, it seemed to have little to no effect, possibly due to the fact i have no idea how to do a judo chop and was relying on me saying" judo chop" really loud to make it effective, and he punched me in the stomach rather hard. I still maintain though, that if i had had a laser wristwatch or some kind of grenade pen, i probably could have taken him.
So, as if my shabby unarmed combat skills weren't enough of a problem, i have a girlfriend, which means the whole traveling-to-exotic-locales-and-banging-hot-ass-chicks-repeatedly thing is pretty much out for me. Although, recently, i have been spicing things up in the bedroom by barking out such questions as "how did the russians get those files?" or "where is the solex agitator?" during sex. My girlfriend is cool, and doesn't really seem to mind, although she may just be glad i'm not wearing the ninja mask to bed anymore.
One triumph, though, does come to mind. A situation where acting like bond helped immensely. I was driving on the freeway, and it was fucking packed. It was then that i noticed a rickety, half-collapsed wooden bridge by the side of the road. Knowing that james would never let me down, i hit that shit at like, at least, 75 miles and hour, and pulled a perfect corkscrew as i soared over traffic. How sweet was it? Let's just say that if any Thai police had been after me, they would have been completely baffled. Impossible, you say? Couldn't happen, you insist? Well, i forgot to mention one thing. Shortly before i made the jump, i picked up a fast-talking yet comically inpet southern sherriff. See? Exactly.