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Welcome to the FIRST SLOPPY AWARDS. We're coming at you live from my living room to bring you the messiest of the messes. SLOPPIES are given out to sloppy storytellers in TV, Film, and Music.
Selection Criteria: I pick the winners. Period.
Rules and Eligibility: Anybody is eligible for a Sloppy, but they must be recent achievements or I will simply forget them.
FAQs:
Q: What is a SLOPPY?
A: It's an award that looks like this: 
It's given out to the Sloppiest Storytellers in TV, Film and Music.
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Q: Are the SLOPPIES televised?
A: Not yet. But we're hoping Andy Cohen will be calling from BRAVO momentarily.
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Q: Can we get to the awards now?
A: Ok asshole. Here we go.
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The SLOPPY for MOST MANGLED REALITY COMPETITION ENDING goes to.....
 What season are we from and who won?
BRAVO for the way it handles the PROJECT RUNWAY MODELS. As Heidi Klum reminds us every season, "Remember, this is a competition for the models as well." Really? Is anyone really all that invested in them? Do we look for their spreads in Elle magazine? Are they OUR muses? You were fooling nobody when you thought we would get to know the models better in that episode where they got to shop for their own fabrics at Mood. What we gleaned from that was the knowledge that they all have lousy taste. I defy anyone to name the winning models from each season. Sloppy, sloppy Bravo!
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The SLOPPY for WAY TO RUDELY OVERLOOK YOUR RUNNER -UP IN A REALITY COMPETITION goes to SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE.
Who do you have to frug around here to get a goddammed clip package?
As each of the Top 4 dancers were eliminated, they were given a wonderfully emotional clip package of their best moves over inspirational bites such as "This has been an amazing journey for me." But Runner-Up, Twitch, was simply given a bouquet, a hug from some random stagehand, and was whisked off the stage. Where was his clip package? Why didn't he get to say anything? And yet 3rd place Katee not only got her montage, she got $50,000. Twitch should be a Bitch right about now. You feel me? 4 REAL! Holla a ya boy!
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The SLOPPY for WORST GRAMMAR EVER BY A REALITY COMPETITION CONTESTENT goes to JESSIE GODDERZ, the dimbulb bodybuilder eliminated on BIG BROTHER 10.
How can I be a douche if I can't even spell it?
Here are some examples of his less than stellar command of the English language - -
"I'm gonna fight with everything from toe to head of me."
He referred to Libra as "the most deviant person in this house".
And my all-time personal favorite, this was Jessie's "Goodbye Video" to ejected houseguest, Angie:
"You have a rationalized mind, and at least you're going to be able to communicate with people who aren't insane, or don't have a really poor judgment of rationale. I could make more similes or analogies if you want, but I think you understand everything I'm trying to portray right now."
SCORE!!
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The SLOPPY for WORST LIP CONTINUITY goes to DARK KNIGHT'S MAKEUP DEPARTMENT.
 
A closer look
I'm on to you, Peter Robb-King and company. When you're watching Christian Bale on a 4 story tall IMAX screen, there is no mistaking a ginormous set of chapped lips in an early scene, immediately followed by a scene in which said sores are gone. Hmmmm, let's see, you are producing what may become one of the biggest moneymakers in film history and you couldn't spend 5 more seconds applying a little coverup to your star's dried out kissers? Fer chrissakes, a little CGI manipulation in post production would have solved the problem. HOLY OVERSIGHT!
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And THE SLOPPY for MOST BLATANT ATTEMPT TO CASH IN ON AMY WINEHOUSE'S SUCCESS goes to...
Duffy! Sure she's sober, hotter, and has a tad more vocal control than Our Lady Wino. But does her first single "Mercy" have to so obviously be a ripoff of "Rehab", down to the "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah" backing chorus that mimics the "No, No, No" from Amy's hit? Besides, don't we want our pop stars to be fucked up, bruised, slurring messes?
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Well, that about wraps up our First Sloppy Awards. You've been a lovely audience. Don't forget to tip the valet.
12:48 AM
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