"The Beautiful South"

We were up and ready with time to spare. The taxi arrived on time and delivered us to the ferry terminal without any mishaps. The ferry arrived and our bags were loaded on board. We were still waiting for something to go wrong. But by half eight, we were on-board the ferry and struggling against the strong sea wind on the top deck. Amazingly, everything went according to Mrs Top Hat's revised plan.

The ferry from Wellington to Picton is a three-hour crossing, leading through the stunning Malborough Sound and the Cook Strait. As the sun was shining brightly, we spent most of the journey on deck, looking at the jaw-dropping scenery; bright blue, clear waters and glorious green islands. It was the scenery you would expect to see in travel brochures. Except these views were not touched up in PhotoShop.

After a while, we were both too hungry to stay on deck sight-seeing, so we ventured into the ferry cafeteria. We both ordered a traditional English breakfast, though as I am a notoriously fussy eater, mine was light of a few items. And no matter what Mrs Top Hat says to me about poor nutrition and being difficult, I know for a fact that on that ferry crossing, she wishes she had my eating habits. 

The meal on my plate looked horrific though. I was told by the member of staff at the till that I had dry toast, bacon and sausages, but I wasn't convinced. As far as I could see, I had been served a severed hand holding a bathroom tile. The man insisted that this was a normal breakfast, but if that was the case, how come one of my sausages was wearing a ring?

Mrs Top Hat's morning monstrosity was even worse. She too had the severed hand, but hers was accompanied by a gangrenous eye and a red mess that could well have been something's heart. Eggs and tomatoes apparently.

It's not often that we return our plates with a lot of food on. I mean, we were even able to eat half of that dreadful pizza in Wanganoui. But this time, we returned our plates with more on than they had originally contained. I'm sure their chefs blame all the vomit on the to-ing and fro-ing of the sea. At least the tea was recognisable and reasonable.

"Look! Look! Dolphins!" an Australian man shouted out to everyone in the cafeteria. He was pointing out of the filthy Perspex windows. There was no need for him to shout, as everyone had been able to eavesdrop on his conversation quite easily before he raised his voice. Like most of the Aussies we came across, he was very...audible. We peered through the grime and caught sight of two dolphins bounding through the water, criss-crossing each other as they tried to overtake the ferry. They moved quickly as they bounced along but we were able to get a good look of them as they frolicked. I found the sight surprisingly under whelming. Sure, they are beautiful creatures but I'd expected to get some sort of buzz out of seeing them in the wild. It didn't happen. Maybe they have been overexposed on television and have lost their mystique. They should get a new agent.

Still hungry, I moved back up to the windswept deck. The islands were closer now and reminded me of Scaramanga's home in The Man with the Golden Gun. It was like a cross between the Bahamas and a rainforest. I whipped the camcorder out and started filming. Even with my NYPD Blue style filming and the Day After Tomorrow whirlwinds, the footage turned out to be very impressive.

I couldn't take any more of the wind. I couldn't feel my face, but I knew that my eyeballs were dangling somewhere down past my chin. It's a good job I don't have much hair or that would have blown off in the wind too, along with the top of my scalp. It was so windy that I couldn't even open the door to get back inside...yes, even with my Herculean physique! Eventually, some giraffe-like woman used her gangly legs to force the door open from inside. A Rigsby once said, I must have loosened it for her. Once inside, I found Mrs Top Hat and we relaxed in the lounge area. The seats were arranged similarly to those on a plane, but there was much more legroom. I fell asleep to the sound of some Cockney woman droning on about her bloody grandchildren and their mobile phones.

Things continued to go smoothly when we arrived at Picton. We got another Suzuki Swift from Thrifty without any hassle and they didn't charge us for the day we had missed thanks to the Wellington mishap. The drive from Picton to Kaikoura was long, but not without its merits. On the way, we stopped off at a lovely bay area and ate what little food we had with us.

It was late afternoon when we arrived in Kaikoura. The motel studio looked modern and clean from the outside and didn't disappoint on the inside either. It was one of the few places that offered a DVD player, so we made use of the facility and looked at some of Mrs Top Hat's photos on screen and also watched my crooked video footage. The man who ran the Kaikoura Top Ten Holiday Park (the place where we were staying) was very friendly and offered to help us book a seal swimming trip for the following day. He also informed us that as we had called him yesterday to let him know that we weren't going to make it for our first reserved night, he had been able to rent out 'our' chalet and so we wouldn't have to pay for both nights. Just goes to show that Bob Hoskins was right - it's good to talk. I can't imagine the same thing happening in Britain though.

We hurriedly changed and nipped into Kaikoura town - the town Newquay in Cornwall wishes it was. We quickly browsed the variety of shops, many of which were surfing or sea based, and then made our way up to a coastal walk.

We walked along the route until early evening, taking in the wonderful views of the sea and the strange beaches. I was amazed to see how the Kiwis had dealt with their homelessness problem...they had created a steak beach that anyone could come and eat.

That evening, we ate locally. The food was tasty and Mrs Top Hat received a complimentary glass of wine which seemed to put her at ease. We went to bed early, wondering what the seal swim would entail. I didn't fancy going out to sea...there's some nasty creatures live out there and I couldn't see a seal doing a Lassie and protecting us from harm.