I've sat in my room @ my computer for nearly 2 hours earlier from like 1:30am til about 2:33 am, writing in my private diary ranting about how much I hate life, and yet I still love it in many ways.  Yet I come here from time to time, and continue writing in my public diary, just now, to give a somewhat public view of my private life and thoughts...

Now when I was talking about hate, its not a fun subject I like talking about only because it's not directed towards anyone specificly, but instead, directed towards myself, for being somewhat judgemental, overly critical, of the fact of what I deal with in my passing days on this planet called earth. 

 Just assuming that for shits and giggles,  perhaps it gives me a good reason for stirring my emotions into thoughts thru what I type and give the world a insight of my life experiences...

But, as of lately, its just seems that thru my life, I've come to believe that If I would have made some better choices in my life earlier, i would be doing much better now, than being stuck in this hell hole I consider to be the somewhat lowest point of my life right now.  I guess I could say my hate is being directed toward having regrets. 

I've had some pretty shitty experiences thru life... one so recently as to having my toe fractured at work by a 75 lbs pallet dropped on my toe, (not counting the pounds of weight on top of that... at nearly 4 feet off the ground.  Just imagine if it was higher... *grunts & sighs* At least now, after nearly 9 months of waiting, I finally got my workmans comp insurance company to finally pay the last bill that was for my ambulance ride to the emergency medical center here in Albany.  After 4-5 months I figured it would have all been taken care of... But at least now, its a happy ending to story that is no longer needing to be told.

Changing subjects back to about grunts and groans... It's just been a lot of bullshit I've dealt with that I get so aggravted with that I just want to throw away everything I know and start off fresh and a-new and work my ass away from this shit hole of life, and become something better for myself. 

Still, its hard to talk about it with some people, because some people just don't understand your outlook on life.  They try to write or speak to you and tell you that things will be ok, or but sometimes, they just can't understand what you've deal with or what you've faced and going thru life and all the bullshit you've put up with, just to be disappointed again.  It's like this constant state of going round in circles... and feeling like no progress is made. 

Education, Job, Life, Family... hell even friends seem to be the same loophole of bullshit I deal with... It is like, "you gain some, you lose some, you have them for a while, then they stop showing up... especially when you really need them... What I'm getting at is the fact that I've tried making things go right for me, especially with trying to make and keep friends through-out my life.  I've made some pretty decent ones at that, and I'm TOTALLY grateful for the fact that the ones that TRUELY KNOW and LOVE ME, are the ones that TOTALLY UNDERSTAND ME!! 

What I'm not grateful for though, as of lately, is the fact that some of them just don't keep in touch with me anymore... or hardly ever.  And it is this fact alone that makes me question, "why am I still friends with this person?"  I try to message some of them from time to time, and yet I hardly ever get a response... or if they do respond, they just don't talk for much deserved lenght of time that I feel it deserves to be rekindled!  Sorta like a bon-fire that burned brightly is now just a pile of lil burning sticks... :-(

X-(   ~shrugs~  >__<

~Is it perhaps a poor choice of friends I've made? 
~Is it the fact that everyone I know, is truely busy with life, that they lost the sense of keeping in touch with their friends?
~Or is it, just a fact that no one wants talk to me anymore?

I mean, is this something I should be concerned about? or perhaps is it just a trial'ed lenght of seperation between chats, to give the the next time that I speak to someone seem worth doing.  I mean, sure, you have to have something worth talking about to make a conversation last...  but the other question I have running thru my head is,

HAVE I LOST THE SKILL TO COMMUNICATE WITH MY FRIENDS??? Or have I just become so lacking in the notion to conversate with people, only because everyone wants to overly analyze things before I even begin to explain the problematic issues at my-own-hand?

Its just an ongoing battle in my head, ya know?  Even though the battle rages on, there is so much yet to be living for!  Because with each new day we live, there is a better cause to fight and live for the next day.  Even though it is very draining for each and every one of us, we still try to continue on, and live what we can out our lives before we pass on to a new medium of life.  It may not be that we obtain this glory of achievement with each passing day, but slowly over time that we make a difference either through ourselves, or thru other peoples lives.  We can either have others help us, by giving us a shape-able model we can follow until a better one comes in it's place, or we help shape some kind of form for them, as others did for us to give them a path to follow so they can manage with each passing day.  The only difference I would like to see more of, is that some people come out of their shells and start giving some love (friendly or more)regardless of situtation, rather than just sitting, watching and waiting for things unfold.  Either thru messaging with yahoo/myspace/msn/aol or just leaving comments on someones photos or webpage...

For instance, out of 110+ friends I have here on myspace, I've only had one or two people come to my karaoke page, and each left 1 comment! on 2-3 of the 6 karaoke songs I've done.  what does that tell me?  I know I can sing, I've been told by many people that I should go on american idol or join choir... 

Hell, I use to be in chorus in highschool, and almost had the chance to sing in all-star choir, but since my asthma/bronchitis was the culprit in the demise for my losing the chance to sing in all-star, it does not stop me now from singing, even for today! 

So, all I'm asking is that I wish that you people, take some time out of your lives, and try to put some effort into just visiting people's pages, NOT JUST MINE, but to anyone that you know personally, and say hello FOR ONCE!!   At least make your messages and comments somewhat worthy!  

Just don't be lazy... saying,

"ya, jus leaving some love... peace" or be like,

"HEY HOWS IT GOING???"  ...

be a lil bit more creative, be honest, give it some spunk and try not to lie or be cruel.  If its something that you can't make with a comment publically, try a private message.  whatever floats your boat people.  just get out there and let people know that you still love them and try and spend time with them.  It'll make the people you leave the love to, make them want to spread the love back to you and to their friends, and their friends will do the same to theirs.

btw... I'm not going to do this right now, but in the coming weeks, I'm going to try and make the effort into uploading some brand new photos of me, to my myspace page.  I suggest you try and visit, and leave some love.

And just as a friendly reminder... I don't like "networking" or adding people as friends, if they aren't going to show some friendship love on my page.  I didn't add them for their looks or whatever.  But I will consider deletion if I don't hear from you, over sometime.  I usually give all my friendly subjects at least 4-6 months, before I assume you either lost the interest in returning, or don't want to try exerting yourself the effort of visiting other peoples pages. 

If by chance you do leave some love (public comments/private message), I will certianly try to return the favor, one way or the other.  As for the rest of my close best/good friends, don't worry about this part, you're ok, just make sure you do your part from time to time.

~~~~BY THE WAY....  PLZ... DO ME THIS ONE FAVOR!!!~~~~
Now I don't have any problem with graphics in my "view/add comments" part of my profile because over time they can be deleted.  I have no problem with that... but the serious issue I have to leave is this: 

~~~~~PLZZZZZ!!!!~~~~~~
Don't leave comment with the attached GIF graphic, when writing a comment on my profile page!!!!!  Do a seperate comment from the glitter graphic comment so that at least the text will still continue on, and the graphic can be erased if it ends up being useless or exceeding its bandwidth or whatever.

Reason for this is because, due to the fact that people do come and visit my profile page to check me out, I don't want them to be sitting there, waiting forever, for my page to load because there are too many freaking pictures to download so they can glitter and sparkle on my page. 

Don't get me wrong, I really love glitter graphics and flash animation vids on my comments column, but I would totally apprecaite it if you, my friends, could make 2 comments. 

ONE FOR THE GRAPHIC or FLASH
ONE FOR THE ACTUAL TEXT COMMENT!

Sometimes you people can make it really hard for me to delete your graphic w/comments, when  graphic or flash object is either (deleted/unavailable/or exceeded bandwidth).  It would just make my day, allowing me to availablity to managing my myspace a lot easier, and load faster if I can keep the comment graphics seperate from the comment text.  

If, by chance  however (and I am positive this will occur anyway), that you the reader, do not come across not reading this part of my blog entry, and continue posting comments on my page from time to time, in the same familiar fashion I fore-mentioned, I will mention that if it does take too long to load, I will ask you to repost your comment with out the graphic, or do two seperate comments, to save me and yourselves the aggravation of waiting for my webpage to load when visiting my profile page.

So if you could do that, that would be greatly appreciated... thank you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anywho's thats about sums what my thoughts are right about now... and I will leave some more blog entries later on here on myspace, as time goes on.  So don't expect too much from me.  I just felt like the need right now, to clarify some issues I've been thinking about, and hopefully this will cause all of you to think about what I've said and try to make an effort to bring yourself out of the wood work and into the always moving involvement of life either with yourself or with other people.

until then, take care people... good night.
Time Ending: 4:55 am (actual end time 5:21am [[due to drafting]])
LoL

Gnight!