We're coming up on our 3rd year as a band and I've been thinking alot about those years past. Not neccesarily just about my involvement with this band but about my behavior in general. Its been a rough 3 years for me. I've gone off into dark nihlistic places that I didn't think I would take myself. So much time and energy spent trying to defend myself from jadedness and self-destruction became seemingly wasted in the past 3 years. I found myself involved in fewer constructive projects and took up the full time occupation of poisoning myself . I was very much poisoning myself physically. Alcholism is socially accepted just enough to trick its victims into thinking otherwise. Alcohol is legal and when we are (relatively) young we think we are invulnerable to forming habits that may cripple us later. Just as with everything in the beginnings of our adult lives we think we can easily shake off one role and take on another. Change is possible and probable. Its the old alcoholic maxim manifested "I can quit whenever I want, but not now". For the past 3 years, I have experienced disaster after disaster in my life. Now that I can see what a preeminent role alcohol played in my life I don't "blame" alcohol but I can see that it made me unable to react to events in my life (both willed and accidental) in a sane manner. There is where I see the cycle begin. Binge drinking leads to drunken mishaps, drunken mishaps lead to more drinking.
What the fuck does this have to do with Weekend Warrior you might ask? Well, first off this band consists of some of my best friends. People who have seen me in these very low places in my life and for some reason decided to stick with me as a friend and a collaborator. This completely blows my mind. As I have become sober for a good part of 2006, I realize how vicous a person I can be under the influence. I think of all the Weekend Warrior shows (more like "episodes") where I would take out my drunken rage on whomever was around, including my band mates. One incident is the most apparent, the show in Long Beach at Taco Beach. I have been too embarrassed to apologize for the events that took place that night. I almost feel like an apology is beside the point. I don't even know where to begin apologizing for that. At the time (well actually the day after) I felt bad for what I did but I wasn't of the clarity of mind to realize that what I would be apologizing for would not just be a string of rediculously beligerent actions, but an entire place in life I have placed myself in. "Apologizing" for how you are (or have become) is an absurd thing to do. Following that scene at Taco Beach I never could admit to myself that it wasn't a random incident but a symptom of uncontrollable rage and alcohol abuse on my part. Unfortunately it wouldn't stop there. Aliennating my friends/bandmates (in particularly Leo and Maria longtime friends who have since pretty much lost faith in me, and rightfully so) did not serve as a shock to the system. Not yet anyways. I just kept on disregarding the problems, dealing with them in any half assed way I could.
The next year found much of the same. I aliennated myself from many of my closest friends. Strange thing is that this may have been the best thing to happen to me. I had surrounded myself with "drinking buddies" and drinking buddies only. But of course I didn't believe this is all they were. One never does. Its only when friction happens and you realize that these people are not there for you, that they are only there to party and let things slide off their backs. There was a major falling out between myself and housemates including one who was in both of my bands at the time. They decided to sever ties with me rather than discuss our problems. It made me feel like shit at the time, but looking back its the best (and only) thing these people could do for me.
You know that shit that people say "when you lose something you realize what you've got". Well, it rang true. I realized that despite all the drunken aliennating incidents, all the nihlistic vicous rants, and all the deabilitating debauchery I still did have some friends willing to hang out (put up) with me. Most of all I have a girlfriend who sees something beyond the wreckless wreck I can be and stuck with me through this hard transition. This brings me to the guys in Weekend Warrior. After all the rudeness, sloppy playing, etc they are still willing to play music with me.
Looking back at all this I realize what the real impetus behind my making music is. It isn't some solely self gratifying excersize. It isn't an excuse to party. It isn't just "something to do". When properly focused music is a way to channel anger and energy that might otherwise be mispent or just unleashed on everyone around me. Obviously hardcore is a cathartic excersize, but the way I was using it beforehand wasn't healthy. I wasn't putting any effort forth into refining my craft as a drummer. I wasn't putting any effort into making the band a more fulfilling excersize for myself, my band mates, and the audience of our friends. Instead it was just and instrument of my beligerence.
So at the beginning our our 3rd year as a band I am realizing where I do NOT want this band to go but where I want to take it. I do not want to fall into the normal self-gratifying band model endlessly promoting myself like every other fucker on myspace. I do not want to affix any great significance to this project other than what it is. It is a group of great friends of similar musical (in)ability, turning it up to eleven, hopefully pushing ourselves a little bit. I enjoy the challenge of trying to make this project better, instead of barely holding it together.
-Camryn