I came to Arizona looking for a clean slate. Tabula Rasa I said, and I spent long hours during the night contemplating what that really meant for me. Now I find myself again thinking of a fresh start and the beginning of something large in my life.

I have people here who want me to stay, people who will miss me. I know I will miss them as well, but California feels like the start of my life finally. I look to it for friendships, relationships, and careers. I never wanted to live here in Arizona in the first place, but circumstances forced me into it and now by my own decision I leave. I have long since felt I was spinning my wheels here, with this innate knowledge that I would eventually be moving back to California. Back home. I have no doubt in my mind that Arizona is where I was meant to be for the time i've been here. I came to Arizona feeling like I had learned so much about myself during the 5 years I lived in California and I can say with great surety that in the near 3 years i've lived here in Arizona I have learned almost as much.

While I lived here in Arizona I loved three men, and have known that they loved me as well. I had my heart broken by one. I broke anothers. One I will hold a flame for in my heart for years to come I feel. I did alot of stupid things here. I tried alot of drugs. I smoked alot of pot. I drank alot of booze. I've gotten my tongue pierced, my nipples pierced, and my penis pierced. I now have two tattoos. I have grown into my sexuality in surprising ways compared to the shy boy who had only slept with one person when I moved here. I have come to grips with my depression, which is something that I have struggled with throughout my adolescence and into my adult life. I moved out on my own for the first time. I bought my first car. I had my apartment broken into and my car repossessed, all in the same month. I had my first real job. I have stood in the middle of a raging thunderstorm with nothing on in the middle of the desert and felt completely connected to the world.

So many of the people here have changed my life in ways I don't think they can realize. I have had some of the strongest friendships I have ever known here, and equally have lost some as well. I have come to realize how I define "friend" and have since settled for nothing less. I learned how to be alone and be okay. I do not feel remiss in leaving these people who are dear to me behind though, because I know that life is complicated and leads down many paths. I will see them all again, speak to them frequently, and hope to grow into even deeper friendships than we already have. I also have come to terms with leaving some people behind for good, come to terms with the knowledge that as I say goodbye to some of these people it very well may be the last time I ever see them. That is much harder than I had once thought. Arizona is the first place I made friends as an adult, and I suppose I hang on to the idea of that at times.

California feels so wide open and full of possibilities that I can't even begin to figure out what the hell i'm going to do with myself. I will eat, I will drink, I will laugh, and I will try to carve out a slice of life that I can call my own.

I send an open invitation to you all to come and visit, please. I invite you to be a part of another chapter of my life.

I love you all

California here I come!!