OK - Hands up all of my American readers who know where their president currently is. (For those of you who actually put your hands up, congrats on both your knowledge of current events and your ability to blindly follow absurd instructions).

Well for those of you who don't know - we've got Dubya here in Sydney. And we are NOT amused. Not one bit.

Dubya with our dweeby Prime Minister who no-one cares about, not even us Australians

I'm not upset because of his politics, or  about Iraq, global warming, Palestine, Israel, Darfur, human rights violations at Gitmo, etc, etc. (Feel free to share your own thoughts though).

No, what I am annoyed about is the sheer chaos that his arrival has created. Dubya is interfering with Sydney traffic (which is dire at the best of times), and we are NOT happy.

Now we Sydney-siders love our town. We know for a fact that Sydney is THE most gorgeous city in the world. The fancy American magazine "Conde Nast" just agreed by declaring it the "World's Best City", ahead of New York, Rome, Paris and all the other lame-arsed wanna-be try-hards.

Now we like our city to look nice, so that we can break the hearts of all the poor schmucks who don't live here. Hence we are accustomed to seeing Sydney look like this:

But since Dubya arrived, out city has looked like this.

See why we're pissed off? We can't drive anywhere, we can't hang out in our favourite watering holes and if we so much as glance anywhere except at our feet we get arrested as a terror suspect. The entire city has been fenced off and is crawling with Secret service people (who are SO good at blending in).

So last night they filled the sky with helicopters and shut down an entire freeway just so GWB could drive from the airport to his "top secret" accommodation (which everyone knows is the Intercontinetal Hotel on Macquarie St). And Dubya is so fussy he even brought his own damn Cadillac with him. What's wrong with our Sydney trains I ask you? Just ask Rick Reilly from CNN, he thought they were good enough.

And Dubya won't even eat our food! Fact is - we have the BEST food and chefs in the world (Conde Nast's said so - neener, neener Paris, New York, etc...). He brought his own (ahem) "chefs" with him and look at the slop they served him today.

Although he could have had quality Australian food, Dubya chose to eat this slop.

Now this is Australia, for God's sake. We're used to relaxing, going to the beach and having a good time. We're primarily worried about the availability of cold beer and fresh seafood. We don't even worry about defending outselves - we make the Americans do that. (Which, you must agree, is one hell of a sweet deal for us. And if you were wondering, we spend the money we saved on education and health-care).

So if Dubya is going to hang out here, he needs to get into the Australian mindset. None of this wearing suits and acting like anything he does actually matters. Here are some recommended activities for him (the other people are Vlad Putin of Russia and the Chinese President guy:)

So bottom line - either get your president to mellow out or take the damn fool back. He's interfering with our drinking.