Sometimes this just seems like a plea for attention. Okay, I can embrace that. LOOK AT ME! LOVE ME! LOOOOOVVVVEEEE MMMMMEEEEE!

WARNING: this is a stream of conscience rant/download - there will be very little self editing, and may not make any sense...



I've been going with my friends more, and I LOVE to go to the Denver Wrangler, especially on Sunday for the beer-bust (for those who don't know, that's a event at a bar where you buy a cup and drink draft beer served by hot scantily clad guys for about 4 hours, non-stop). Up until this point in my life, I had always been more comfortable going to clubs and dancing the night away. Bars were to me like going to parties, a lot of standing around drinking, with awkward attempts at casual conversation unless I was hanging with friends. I always seem to default to shy mode in these situations. When I go dancing, I just hit the floor and that always seems to break me out of my shell (Straight or Gay club, I never have any trouble finding hot dance partners). The Wrangler has been very different though, The guys are super hot, yet incredibly friendly (not at all like the guys at the stand-n-model bars my friends used to like to go to. I'd been called a bear before, but I always kind of thought that was a term applied to bigger hairier guys than me (I'm hairy, all over, but I wouldn't call it a pelt). I also kind of thought that to be a bear, you had to kind of be hyper-masculine, go hunting/fishing(which I've done but don't any longer), be a mechanic, or a cowboy. I've always been more of a skater/punk/goth/artfag/computergeek/clubkid kind of guy. I can change the oil in my car, but I can also talk fashion designers and supermodels. I was pleasantly surprised, while yes, there are those guys who feel that they have to be bigger jerks than the farm-boys I went to high school with, but for the most part I finally seem to fit in.

So I'm a bear, cool. I thought I'd check out www.bear411.com. Very cool, it's free, there are a lot of hotties there, not just looking to hook up, but for friendship and love as well. The Profile approval process is kind of klunky, but they're protecting their community from spam, and other internet predators. I can live with it.

So today, some guy IMs me and starts saying I don't look like a bear, that I'm a cub or an otter at best (a cub is a young bear, an otter is a slender or skinny hairy guy, still part of the community), and that I should change my profile. I politely told him that while it may not be apparent from my photos, I'm quite hairy (it doesn't look like I'm wearing a sweater under my shirt, but you pretty much can't lick anywhere on my body with out getting hair in your teeth). I'm way to heavy to be an otter, and too old to be a cub (I have grey hair in my goatee), though I guess I should just accept it as a compliment. It kind of pissed me off for a while, but I realize that there is always gonna be some queen that has to be an authority on everything (read that as there are assholes every where you go). I don't feel old, but I see myself as my age (45). I guess though to the someone who hasn't known me i can understand, except for the salt and pepper hair, and the way it's disappearing from the top of my head, I pretty much look the same as I have since I was in my late twenties. I have a painting in my closet that ages for me.

Sleep Apnea - the temporary cessation of breathing during sleep.

Deviated Septum - A deviated nasal septum is a crooked wall made of bone and cartilage that divides the nose into two equal parts. A deviated septum may be caused by injury or surgery to the nose.

Ever since I was a small child I've had problems with nosebleeds and my nose. For a while the doctors tested my blood for hemophilia because for the severity of the bleeding. then there was talk of cauterizing the veins in my nose, but they held off on doing that because it would have been likely that it would have affected my sense of smell. Eventually though, by the time I was ten, I seemed to have grown out of it. I still had the deviated septum, but the bleeding was few and far between.

As I got older, I knew that I occasionally snored, but I kind of trained my self to sleep in a position so that my airway wouldn't become blocked. This seemed to work, but was informed by room-mates that I would distinctly stop breathing in my sleep. I didn't really think much about it though.
It was the Eighties, so uhm, yeah, I did a lot of cocaine. It didn't seem to make the bleeding come back. At the turn of the century, I was doing crystal, which is even harder on your tissues than coke. Anyways I've been clean for about 6 years now.
Well I now I'm having breathing issues when I'm sleeping so badly that either I actually wake up every couple of hours, and have to clean my nostrils out with saline or I wake up both sleep and oxygen deprived. It's kind of like waking up drunk, when you haven't been drinking. It takes about 9-10 hours of sleeping time to get enough rest to get through the day. I'm having to spend most of my days off trying to catch up on sleep.
I've made an appointment with my doctor (or rather my physicians assistant, no one actually seems to see the doctor anymore). Chloe seems to think that it might be a polyp and so now I have to use a corticosteroid spray. so far I haven't seem much of a difference, but I'd still rather do this than surgery.

Comcast, you've got to get your shit together. Eveytime they come work on someone else in my building, my cable signal drops and the DVR can't decode anything. I have to chose between TV or internet to have enough signal for the box to record anything, and even thing it's full of artifacts and the sound drops out all the time. They come and check the signal at the junction box downstairs and it jumps back up and they say that there's nothing wrong. I'm getting pissed of about it, I used to work in cable installation, I know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I resisted it for as long as I could. I said it was for teenage girls and hookers, and I was for the most part right, but I have been totally sucked in by the great time vacuum that is myspace. We are all doomed.

Okay, that's not entirely true. It hasn't been a total waste of time. I'm getting inspired by the other artists/friends that I'm making. (CitizenDangerX, I am working on your portrait, you just gave me way to much good stuff to work from). I just can't let it get to much of a hold on me, i can be stronger than this...

Well, that's all I've got for right now. Anyone who might actually read this, I hope I didn't bore you too much.

I feel the need for sleep. Mmmmmmm, sleep.
Mood: Wow!
Listening to: One Wish - Roxette
Reading: Mr Benson
Watching: Doctor Who - The Shakespeare Code
Playing: with my airport card
Eating: jelly bellies - lots of jelly bellies
Drinking: Pellegrino