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Johnny

Johnny Young


Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Married
Age: 47
Sign: Taurus

City: Phoenix
State: Arizona
Signup Date: 5/21/2005

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Angela (1)
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August 24, 2009 - Monday 7:19 PM

Category: Blogging
Most of you know that I was diagnosed with Panic & Anxiety Disorder and Clinical Depression back in October of 2001. A few of you were concerned with a status posting I made a few days back (very few of you, but no matter) and posted words of encouragement. I appreciate that and thank you for showing that you care. Let me tell you a bit of what's been going on in my life to bring you up to speed and why my moods have been "fluctuating".

Thanks to the current economy, I have no health insurance. Because of that, I'm unable to get certain medications filled, one of which is my anti-depressant. The anti-depressant the doctor insists that I take costs close to 300 dollars a month. Even if that was the ONLY medication I took, there's no way I could swing that without winning the lottery. Consequently, I've been "off my meds" for approximately 3 months. Now that the anti-depressant is completely out of my system, I've come to the realization that I really AM in need of an anti-depressant.

Because of my illness (and yes, due my diagnosis, I AM classified and categorized as 'Mentally Ill') and no medication, I'm having more mood swings than a woman who is pregnant and "going through The Change" at the same time. I go from total, near suicidal sadness to crying, to frustration, to anger, to rage to ripping complete strangers (and some acquaintenances) a new rectal orafice on a chat board I frequent to wanting to "break stuff" over the course of any given day. I now have problems putting my thoughts down in an organized fashion without having to go back and do major revisions, corrections, etc. which eprives me of the joy I get from writing. Not EVERY day is like this, but when it happens on average of 4 out of 7 days at a time, even *I* know something's not right.

It's a long, convoluted story of how I got to where I'm at, but the trigger was the bombing of the Twin Towers on 9/11/01. The buiding I worked in had a federal office and, as a result, I had to be "frisked" everytime I came in to work. After a week of this, it got that I would have to rush to the mens room and vomit after I would get "felt up, frisked down and otherwise manhandled" to prove that I wasn't some gun-toting "terr'ist" on a mission to overthrow the country by attacking a no-name government office. After two more weeks of this, I had a complete breakdown at my jobsite and had to be hospitalized for a few days, It was at that time I was given my diagnosis, along with a secondary diagnosis of "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" caused by the constantly repeated showings of the Towers crumbling to the ground. Becauise of that, I LOATHE the "commemorations" of 9/11 Think of me what you will, but reliving that event every year like it was some sort of sick holiday is, to me, the most asinine and sick act this coungtry has ever done. I even turn off the radio when Toby Kieth comes on with his money-making "tribute song". It disgusts me.

I'm saying all that to say this...no matter what your belief system is no amount of prayer, fasting, self-flagellation or any other form of "Religious Voodoo" that *I* can do is going to change anything. While your offers of prayer and support are apprreciated, you may want to use them on someone that they might do some good on because, unless God is willing to give me an injection that will correct the chemical imbalance in my brain, erase the memories of the awful upbringing I had and is willing to make an emplyer "take a chance" and hire me, even part time, there is no way I'm going to be able to get and KEEP a job. The stress level gets to me, the people I deal with, pardon my French, piss me off to no end and the fact that I'm being told how to do a job I've done for almost 30 years by a KID who wasn't even a gleam in the milkmans eye when I started in the job force is enough to make even a sane man want to start ripping off heads and defecating down the holes.

I've been accused by a couple of people of being on a "24 hour pity party". I would invite them to say that to my face and see exactly how much "pity" I'd show them. To them, all I need is to "get my sh*t together", ot "I need to get back in church" or "I need to get OUT of church" or...and thisis the best one..."give in to the idea of killing yourself because you have absolutely no value or use to anyone the way you are."

Nice, huh? The only thing that actually STOPPED me from stepping in front of a semi the other day was the fear that the Catholics MIGHT be right about the spiritual destination of those who kill themselves. My life has sucked bad enough without having to deal with a bunch of "demons" wanting to give me a ration of crap for eternity.

So, the next time you see me or someone else who is going through a bout of depression, DON'T insult them or their illness by telling them they need "Jesus", "A Holy Ghost Enema" or any one of a number of "spiritual snake oil cures". Simply understand that without the doctor prescribed medicine they need, no amount of laying on of hands, beating or casting out of supposed "demons" or having a "stronger faith in God" is all they need to get by. If a simplistic approach like that works for YOU, great...but don't expect it to be the Ultimate Cure-All for EVERYONE. Even in the bible, God and Jesus didn't work that way. Some people are MEANT to be like they are...apparently this is a source of amusement for God and He doesn't want to "fix" all of His toys. But hey, He's God...who's gonna tell HIM what HE HAS to do?

Anyway, thats where I'm at, spiritually and mentally. Right now I feel completely cold toward God. Not hatred..just coldness. I have no idea how much longer I'll be in this mental place. I may be "fixed for a while" starting tomorrow or it may go on for another 6 months, I have no idea. If you wish to pray for me, feel free. Specifically pray that I somehow get the money to be able to buy the meds I need. Praying that I have the right Lottery Numbers to win the lottery would be a definite plus.

Thanks for taking time to read this,
 
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Laurie Biagini

 
Sending positive thoughts your way.. I don't know what else I can say.  There is no quick "snap-out-of-it" kind of cure for this. 
Hang in there. 

 
Posted by Laurie Biagini on August 24, 2009 - Monday - 9:28 PM
[Reply to this] 
christy

 
I totally understand...I've had derogitory comments made from my sister inlaw about TAKING them..like she told me I just needed to snap out of it...what???? Are you effin kidding me?  Johnny, call your dr. and see about maybe getting something older that is in a generic for your anxiety, explain you have no ins. and maybe they can work w/ on that. 

My meds (i take 2) are over 200 WITH ins so I know what you mean...I am with you and always here if u want to talk and will keep you in my thoughts....
 
Posted by christy on August 24, 2009 - Monday - 9:50 PM
[Reply to this] 
Honeybunny♥

 
My heart goes out to you. I recently quit a job that was causing very similar reactions in my own anxiety-driven mind, thought I had a job lined up, that fell through, and now not only unemployed, but dealing with emotional abuse from my own mother who parrots back that same crap about "get your shit together". Some days its a struggle to get up.

You are not alone. I only wish that one day free healthcare could be available to people like us.


 
Posted by Honeybunny♥ on August 24, 2009 - Monday - 10:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
Raven
raven Castillo

 
Prayers for you John, and I do hope things get better.
 
Posted by Raven on August 24, 2009 - Monday - 10:35 PM
[Reply to this] 
~RyAnRaE~
Steve's Girl

 
Johnny, I've been there.  It's really hard for people who have never been through it to understand.  Their prayers are are a way of sending you well wishes, and don't for a minute think they're wasted on you.  Count that as one of the things you've got going for you...because friends who will pray for you love you in a BIG way!
I am sending you a personal message along with this comment, so check your inbox soon =)
 
Posted by ~RyAnRaE~ on August 24, 2009 - Monday - 10:55 PM
[Reply to this] 
Kerri Anne
Kerri Messner

 
I've been there, (as far as lack of insurance goes) and I could go on a rant too but it won't help.

So I am just going to say hi and let ya know I'm thinking of you.


 
Posted by Kerri Anne on August 24, 2009 - Monday - 11:45 PM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
Thank you, everyone, for the kind words. I know they say, "Misery loves company". If that's true, then I couldn't have a better group of folks to share my "misery" with. :) You people are awesome. :)
 
Posted by Johnny on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 12:08 AM
[Reply to this] 
~*~LiLi~*~

 
I have a prescription plan through wal-greens for my anxiety meds. My meds are around 200 a month without insurance but with the wal-green plan they are only about 20 a month. I don't take the generics either. You should check into it, its a life saver for me. The plan is 20 bucks a year for an individual and 30 for a family, NO BS. If you have wal-greens there I urge you to check it out! I also understand how you feel, when I don't have my meds I don't feel like I'm a good mother to. My children or a good friend. I really hope you check that out... I had lost hope and my mind until I found that plan!
 
Posted by ~*~LiLi~*~ on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 1:07 AM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
Thanks! I will DEFINITELY look into this! :)
 
Posted by Johnny on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 2:20 AM
[Reply to this] 
GmanJack
Gary Jackson

 
Yoy might consider trying to go on disability, if you havent tried already. It is a loooong process though, it took me exactly 3 weeks shy of 3 years to get the Social Security Administration to cough it up.
Good luck, I somewhat know how you feel.
--Gary
 
Posted by GmanJack on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 1:11 AM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
I'm on SSD. I've been on since Feb of 2008. Unfortunately, I don't get the insurance that goes with it until Feb of 2010. You have to wait 2 years before Medicare kicks in. I was one of the lucky ones who got it on the first try. Glad you were able to get it. I'm sorry you had to go that long before you got approved. :(
 
Posted by Johnny on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 2:22 AM
[Reply to this] 
Angela

 
I am so sorry for what you are going through Johnny. Also, I am not going to tell you what you NEED to do. You are a very smart man, and everyone is entitled to have their faith waver once in a while (and by faith I don't necessarily mean God, I just mean whatever works for you).
Now, as for your meds. issue....is there any chance your doctor will temporarily switch you to something else? Are there any sliding scale clinics nearby? Many of the major drug manufacturers now do offer free/reduced meds, so you should check with your doctor, local hospital, mental health clinic, pharmacy, or go directly to the drug manufacturers website. Also, if you have RiteAid pharmacy nearby they do have a 20% off customer discount thing for people who don't have insurance, which is something that I had to do...obviously your meds will still be expensive, but maybe the 20% off will help, or you could try to break it up and get your meds every 2 weeks, or try to lower your dose a bit. AND, almost all pharmacies will price match, so check around and see how low you can get the price. Walmart does have a $4 plan for a lot of drugs (although none of MINE were on their list). AND, there are a few online pharmacies that are safe to use, and the prices are usually drastically reduced (I used to work for such a company, so I know that MANY Of them really are honest and safe, regardless of what the news tries to tell ya). Lastly, have you checked to see if you qualify for state medicaid, and I don't know how old you are but are you anywhere close to qualifying for Medicare? If you have PTSD you could qualify for social security disability, which if you did you would get prescription coverage.
The bottom line is that NO ONE should have to suffer. I am not giving you pity, but I am sorry for what you are going through, and I DO understand because I have recently been there myself. Please, please, please, if you have ANY questions about how to get any of this stuff done just email me. I am completely serious.
I know this post is quite long, so I will end here....but I really am 100% serious here, please email me.

 
Posted by Angela on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 2:40 AM
[Reply to this] 
~Crooked Halo~ (Lips of an Angel)

 
johnny,

my thoughts are with you.....i, too, have no insurance.....check with the manufacturers of the medications you are needing....the company that manufactured geodon provided it to me for free....send me a message if you want more info.....

Hugs and kisses johnny.....

Muah~

Dana-Leigh

 
Posted by ~Crooked Halo~ (Lips of an Angel) on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 2:43 AM
[Reply to this] 
Elizabeth-made of stars
Driving Barefoot

 
I don't quite know what to say, except I'm thinking of you and hope you can get some meds soon.


 
Posted by Elizabeth-made of stars on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 2:51 AM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
It's okay...just keep sendig the good vibes. :) Things will improve...they always do. :)
 
Posted by Johnny on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 5:19 AM
[Reply to this] 
Pepper

 
I am thinking of you too and am sending good thoughts your way!

Take care, Johnny!

 
Posted by Pepper on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 3:17 AM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
Thanks! I'm starting to pull out of it, I think...slowly but surely. :)
 
Posted by Johnny on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 5:18 AM
[Reply to this] 
~KitKaT~

 
I am without insurance and in dire need of a medication for my depression which costs 200.00 and I can not even think of trying to buy it.  I am going on 2 months without the med. and I am starting to feel like I don't want to be here in this f***** world.  I believe my kids are what keep me hanging on. I hope the best for you and I know there is no quick fix.  I wish I had the answers.  Peace to you Johnny

 
Posted by ~KitKaT~ on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 3:19 AM
[Reply to this] 
Brian

 
I hope you make some headway.  I have been pretty depressed about being out of work myself.

 
Posted by Brian on August 25, 2009 - Tuesday - 3:54 PM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
I know how you feel, Bri. At this point, even something to just get me out of the house would be good. And KitKat...I know that F the world feeling...but I just keep slogging through it and try to stay sane.
 
Posted by Johnny on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 5:17 AM
[Reply to this] 
Uwe das Platypus

 
Isnt there any form of government assistance that can allow you to get your medication? I know what its like to go through a tough place in my head, probably the exact place you are at now, and I do still take medication for it along with a lot of other medications so I dont die, but yeah. I cant say I didnt have any money to get my medication like your situation, even if I didnt it would be covered by the government. I think its sad that there are people in your country suffering a great deal and have no way to get what they need. I was "googling" some sites reguarding how your situation and I found http://www.rxassist.org/ which is I guess an offical assistance program. So look around for things like that, there are sometimes stuff out there to help. Keep your head up Johnny, things will work out.

 
Posted by Uwe das Platypus on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 11:38 AM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
There's medicare and medicaid....both of which I'll qualify for in February.

There are some options I've been made aware of through Walgreens Pharmacy that I'm also looking into. It all depends on whether my meds are covered on their formulary.
 
Posted by Johnny on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 5:15 PM
[Reply to this] 
Uwe das Platypus

 
Thats six months from now. I dont think I lasted very long without my medication because I would have gone postal...seriously I had a break down. Hopefully you can get some medicine before then. Serious stuff, and not having medication makes it worse you know that. Would say id pray for you but meh im not religious, so much luck for you my friend I do hope things come out right in the near future.

 
Posted by Uwe das Platypus on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 7:14 PM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
Thanks, Uwe. I'm hoping so as well. Thanks for checking in my friend! :)
 
Posted by Johnny on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 9:33 PM
[Reply to this] 
⊗wing⊗
Soul Wing

 
i need to read this 3 times...angel..i'm sorry...i am in your boat.

lets paddle together...

love+hugs always,
tears,
lena

 
Posted by ⊗wing⊗ on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 10:10 PM
[Reply to this] 
Johnny
Johnny Young

 
I know you are, babe. I appreciate the support. Things are getting better...slowly but surely. :)
 
Posted by Johnny on August 26, 2009 - Wednesday - 10:26 PM
[Reply to this]