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Current mood:  amused Category: Blogging
Ladies...this blog is directed at you primarily, but guys...feel free to chime in if you like.
First of all, I'd like to apologize on behalf of our gender for one of us having made the now famous quote, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" back in the Mists of Antiquity. Of course, a woman got her licks in by making a similar quote about us men..."Why buy the whole pig if all you're after is a little sausage?" It's THIS quote that brings me back to the title of today’s essay. Are all of us men viewed in general as 'pigs' by women? I can't see why we should be. I mean, after all, we're honest to a fault. You complain to us and we'll respond. We really DO listen. You just think we don't because we don't say what you wanna hear. Here are a few examples of some of the standard complaints women have about us...along with our answers to those complaints.
1. "He won't put down the toilet seat". "You're a big girl. Look and see if the seat's down before you plop your butt down on it. If it’s up, put it down!"
2. "He's always 'finished' just when I'm getting warmed up!" "This is a two party deal, sweetie. Just because you're still pissed that the Office Boy got you a Double Espresso instead of a Double Latte' this morning is no reason for ME to have to go to the "Friction Burned Groin Ward" at the hospital!"
3. "He leaves his underwear and clothes wherever he drops them". "Yes, I do. And do you know WHY? It's because I refuse to undress in the laundry room and dash naked from there to the shower! And, by the way, the bathroom is NOT ‘wherever’. My dirty clothes are right there on the bathroom floor next to the laundry hamper."
4. "He's not the same man he was when I married him". "That's true. I'm 20 years older now than I was then and I'm lucky I can still get ME up in the mornings, much less get ‘Mini Me’ up. And here's a news flash for ya, Toots...strip naked and stand in front of a mirror and tell me all of YOUR 'assets' are still in the same place they were 20 years ago! At this point, for me, that 'Until death do us part' thing has gone from being a 'vow' to a 'Personal Goal', okay?"
5. "He used to care about how he looked when we went out. Now he just wears whatever he can find. It's SO embarrassing!" "Got another News Flash for ya… 'Rumpled and relaxed' is more comfortable than 'starched and uptight'. And speaking of 'rumpled'...how come you stopped wearing make-up?"
As you can see, there might be a reason for women to view men as 'pigs' in general...but I can't for the LIFE of me figure out why. It must be that "Mars/Venus" thing. Or maybe it's just hormones. They complain, we respond, they go spend a few days with their Mother. My thought on the matter is this...if you don't want our input, don't complain to us. We're MEN. It's Hard Wired into our DNA for us to be sloppy, unkempt, lazy jerks. We've earned the right to be this way....even as far back as Prehistory.
Prehistoric woman? She complained. She complained about us tracking in mud on the cave floor, about our eating with our hands and about our refusing to eat the Lemon Grass and Wild Lettuce Salad she had prepared to go with our plate of Barbecued Brontosaurus Ribs.
She even complained when it was time to put the fire out at night. We were "being crass and uncouth" she said, simply because we put the fire out in the most efficient way....by peeing on it. This is also why Modern Man always has to go pee right before going to bed. It's another Hard Wired thing from our prehistoric past.
So, you see ladies, it's not really our fault. You can't expect us to overcome several million years of evolution and habit in just few years. Don't view us as 'pigs'...take pity on us and view us as 'creatures of habit'. And, while you're doing that, could you fetch us a beer from the 'fridge, Toots?
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