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Current mood:  amused Category: Blogging
Okay...just when I was about to let myself be convinced that Wal-Mart really WASN'T "The Great Satan", they go and do THIS:
http://www.azcentral.com/business/articles/2009/10/28/20091028casketsales.htmlWalmart Starts Selling Caskets, Urns Online
Yes, you read that headline right. Wal-Mart is now selling caskets and funerary urns.
People wonder why this amazes me and why I find it to be so...well...so WRONG. It's quite simple, really. Stop and think about it. Would YOU want your Dearly Departed to spend eternity in something you got online as a "Rollback Special"? More importantly, would THEY approve? And then I wondered...would Sam Walton approve?
Let's look at how these MIGHT be marketed and you tell me...
"Wal-Mart...we've rolled back the prices on death!"
"Now even death is cheaper at Wal-Mart!"
"Shop early for the best online selection! Wal-Mart's 'A-Tisket, a-Tasket, We've Got Your Brand New Casket!' Sale starts Friday!"
You see what I mean? How dignified is that? And even scarier, Wal-Mart has now become a truly "From Cradle to Grave" Merchandizer.
You start out life coming into this world as a newborn. A doctor slaps you on the ass and things go downhill from there. Your parents registered at Wal-Mart so they have all their "Baby Needs"...diapers, formula, onesies, moist towelettes, booties, binkys, blankies and bottles. They are good to go and you, you lucky little rascal, are a new Wal-Mart Customer in Training!
You get to take it pretty easy during those first few years. Your folks get all the powders and lotions for your baby needs. They get the soothing syrups for you when your "Equate" Formula upsets your tummy and makes you cranky with cholic. They apply the "Equate" Baby Lotion to your little bottom when those "Great Value" diapers start giving you Diaper Rash. They get on a first name basis with the Pharmacist because they can get all their (and your) prescription medicine needs for 4 bucks a pop in the "It's as good as the Name Brand" Generic Prescriptions!
And now we are a Toddler...
You enjoy your Great Value Apple Juice from a Rubbermaid Sippee Cup and eat your Great Value Oatmeal or Dry Cereal with nary a care in the world. Your entertainment needs are met by the Durabrand TV, the Playskool toys and the soft but cuddly stuffed animals you drag around, chew on and throw at the cat.
And so it goes, through the school years...your clothes, toys, school supplies, bikes, shoes and assorted bric-a-brac all purchased for you or BY you at your friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart. And the cycle doesn't end there. After college, you meet someone, fall in love and get married. You register your wedding gift requests at Wal-Mart, just like your mom and dad did when THEY got married!
You get excited when you see all the gifts at your Wedding Shower. And no worries if you get six blenders, three toasters and a shoetree that you didn't even ask for. You can take them in to Wal-Mart and get store credit for them all! The money is all placed on a handy, dandy Wal-Mart Gift Card that you can use for anything in the store! You decide to use the money to buy a beautiful Sauder plastic woodgrain veneered particleboard ENTERTAINMENT CENTER! And it comes "conveniently packed" in a large, flat box. Not only are your Entertainment Center needs met by Wal-Mart but they have also provided you with "Argument Material" for when you and your spouse attempt to put the thing together! Those clever Wal-Mart folks! They always seem to know exactly what you need and at just the right time, too!
The resulting argument leads to each of you discovering that neither of you is like you were when you were dating. In search of solace, you go looking for a book on relationships at...say it with me!...WAL-MART!! They just have EVERYTHING!! And you each lay in bed later that night reading your respective books and try to figure out when and how the person you married has turned into a complete and total jerk/shrew. And the beat goes on...
Now you're in your 70's. You've been a faithful Wal-Mart customer for over 70 years. You've gotten all your clothes, food, drink, and general "stuff" at the big Blue on Blue Building with all the happy, shiny people inside it. You see a notice at the counter when you pick up your medication. You heard about it on the news but weren't sure you had heard it correctly. But there it is..."Use your Wal-Mart Visa Card and buy your casket NOW! Take up to TWELVE MONTHS TO PAY WITH NO INTEREST! Go to www.walmart.com for MORE details!" You read the words and see the happy, smiling elderly couple gazing at the caskets and funerary urns at the website. You decide to take advantage of it because it will, "make it easier for the kids when we go".
And, sadly, a few years later, you both pass on. Your kids call the funeral home and they send a hearse for you and your "box" that you've had sitting covered in the garage. It's a beautiful "Executive Privilege" model with brass trim and padded interior with white lace. With it, you're guaranteed to be the envy of every corpse in the Funeral Home.
And so it goes. You have literally been a Wal-Mart Customer...for LIFE...and now, thanks to the Internet, into the AFTERLIFE as well.
Oh! And have a Happy Halloween! 
 | Currently listening: Halloween Hits By Various Artists Release date: 1991-07-30 |
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