discernable difference....
....
There is this silent demon that lives… here … in this hole....
writhing, politely biding its time ....
a dark space,
a place, you don’t talk about....
or share with friends or family....
not a good topic to discuss over pie ....
or as after-dinner conversation....
as a poet, you can sometimes pass it off as inspiration....
if you’re lucky someone might take notice....
yet it lives, brooding in my chest....
a hulking, ugly, painful thing....
that can’t be purged
just placated....
and when it rears its head....
I bow mine and wish…....
....
It’s not that I want to be here ....
in
this place. I don’t. Or that I want to.....
but I
feel swallowed by a whale....
because that is what it is… swallowed ....
by a dark so vast there is no exit....
no way out ....
but how desperately I want to....
it is no longer just sadness....
it isn’t even desperation ....
or
hopelessness....
it is looking at my life and seeing ....
that nothing I do matters....
nothing I touch makes a difference....
that is the space… that is what defines it.....
life void of meaning....
like Sisyphus, I get his ‘Hell’, his punishment....
his life devoid of meaning....
....
You think people don’t want to read ....
what you wrote this morning while sitting on your toilet?....
that scatology might be out of vogue?....
well see the response you get when they read this.....
you want to make your reader squirm ....
then just write about what is going on inside your head....
or
worse… real honest feelings in your heart....
suddenly… they have somewhere else to be.....
....
I understand where d..a. levy was… or thought he was....
when
he stepped off the wheel....
they say he cared too much....
that he wanted to make a difference ....
with what he did and what he wrote....
a visible difference, and didn’t feel he made one....
so he checked out and made a choice....
one I get, but
one I do not want to make....
I want to make a different one....
but I want to know I matter....
I want to know I make some difference....
I need to know it… Or why be here?....
why keep trying, why keep going in fucking circles?....
why keep spinning on this little hamster wheel of life ?....
....
this is a dialogue with more than myself....
because no one else wants to hear this....
but I need to hear a reason… a reason to be here.....
do you think levy would have stayed if he knew?....
if his friends or family realized what he really thought?....
some supposedly knew but did they understand?....
I wonder?....
....
When you feel love for others and life so deeply....
and yet,
that care makes no discernable difference ....
in
anyone’s life… what do you do?....
I feel only silence today....
no words come, just these sharp words....
one that strike like shards of glass on glass....
just this dialogue, this conversation....
nothing will get it done if it isn’t said....
....
I need a reason… give me just
one reason....
because today I am blind and cannot see it....
I need a reason to feel I matter.....
....
2009 by c. m. brooks....
....
....