Things I’ve learned….at 53…

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I’d said I would share these thoughts a few weeks ago as part of a series of Notes.

These are random thoughts collected on reflections over time.. Some added today on  reflection regarding recent events.

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For what they are worth…. My  thoughts…..

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That life is an unfolding mystery

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That life is precious no matter how fractured it might seem at times

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That life sometimes frightens me, and is confusing.

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That sadly people will surprise you in ways you can’t imagine

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That people will also surprise you in amazing ways you never expected and show you what real friendship is even as your world crashes and burns

for this I am deeply grateful

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That there will be people that will never be there for you no matter how much you might want them to be, something I have to learn to accept

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That you sometimes shouldn’t throw friendships away with people who have hurt you

Sometimes things come back full circle and there is healing

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So no matter how challenging I will never walk away from someone.. a failing I suppose on my  part.

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That sometimes you do have to just walk away and never look back

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That people are both good and bad… and that that is normal

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That I will look for the good in them every time even at my own peril

and that this is not a failing

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That life is suffering

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That life is a blessing

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That you cannot force friendships with people who will not understand you

or trust you

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That love can be painful more painful than you can imagine

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That love can take your breath away and heal you

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That having sex with someone doesn’t mean they love you

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But that sex with deep love can be transforming

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That for me sex always goes together with love. If you are someone I have had sex with I have cared for you.

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That life will bring you lessons you never knew you needed to learn

And they will break you and almost crush you

But they can also heal you and make you more

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That friendships are not forever

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That friendships if you allow them can transform and change you

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That trust is important

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That I valiantly want to understand the people closest to me if they will let me

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That I make mistakes, tons of them and know it and it is the ones I make

 with  people that I regret the most

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That sometimes I want more than the world can give

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That often I don’t give enough of myself or I give too much

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That I often feel under-valued and unappreciated and that that doesn’t always reflect the truth.

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That I don’t always understand why I love someone. I  just do.

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That I am loving, trusting and foolish and that is ok.  I would rather be that way than the other. And painful as that is I am learning to live with that.

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That I have parts of myself I do not like. And people might be surprised because I know what they are.

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That people often don’t do the right things or do them for the wrong reason and that would include me.

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That I am both stupider and smarter than I thought about different things.

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That I am willing to learn but that doesn’t mean that the lessons are easy.

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That some people are more meaningful in my life than they will ever realize. And not for the reasons that they think. And these are not always even people I always understand well or get along with well.

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I learn important lessons from people who challenge me. This is often very hard for me but these lessons are often the most important... the ones I learn the most  from.

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I find it hard to accept love from people… though I want to and I am trying.

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That I sometimes love too much.

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That people are not always intentionally hurtful. That sometimes people actually are… and I want to be able to see the difference.

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That after 53 years I know what is important to me. And those are not things. Surprisingly,  they are relationships and people.

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That most times life has meaning… and sometimes it does not. And I know that has to do with my perspective and nothing else.

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That I do have people who do not like me or love me or understand me. Something hard for me to accept.

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That I rarely hate anyone but struggle with people I don’t understand.

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That I rarely give up…. Even if it sounds like I might sometimes.

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That often I want to give up on both life and people… that doesn’t mean I do.

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That I take life and all of what I do very seriously. That is why my highs are high and my lows are so low.

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My beliefs are important to me. Even though they are still growing and evolving.

And that I actually try to live by them. Even though it might be a bit flawed in the implementation..

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That I will stand up for what’s right and try to prevent others from being hurt if I see something that is wrong.

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That I don’t like seeing people use other people or hurt them. And I will do something about it. Even if you are a friend that does it.

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That I feel helping and cooperating is more productive than competition.

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That creativity is important but is not everything.

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That my writing is important but is only a facet of me.

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That my son is important to me.

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That loving others is the most important thing of all to me. It is who I am and how I  define my reality.

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That I am often overly sensitive and wish I weren’t.

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That I think too much sometimes and it gets me into trouble.

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Sometimes I don’t think enough and it also gets me into trouble.

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That many people are self-absorbed and self-centered. That life is only about them and what they can get.  And it hurts to see it.

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That people can change.

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That people can be trusted.

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That sometimes I wish I didn’t exist.

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That one day I know I will not be here.

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That I want to matter in someway to someone.

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That I sometimes don’t know how to matter.

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That I want very much to feel loved…. And often do not.

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That life is a circle and sometimes if you are lucky things come back to you.

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And I think the final thought is for now…  for all its sorrow .. life is still good.

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These are just a few of the things I know or have learned or are important to me on being  53...

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