Today I am just sad.  I was reading about the grieving process and how the death of a parent deeply affects one, even if they were not close in life.  I feel ill prepared to deal with the emotions and unable to reach out to friends.  I don’t want to make them feel bad for me or make them think about their parent(s) dying.  Perhaps grieving is truly a solo process, or maybe that is true for me and not others.

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I feel like I have to get myself together so I can work and I am pissed that there are such ramifications for death and that I can’t just get over it now.  I am also pissed that my father’s family never tried to contact us.  I am so findable online.  Why do they ostracize my brother and me so?  We never did anything to them, never took anything away from them, and are not trying to take anything away from them. 

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I also don’t want my feelings to get in the way of my relationships.  I suppose I dread being a burden (in any way).  I find it extremely difficult to cry in front of people and even to just let myself go.  I can’t let myself go.  This is all so pathetic and that pisses me off.  So angry and weepy, what a winning combination.  I am tired of myself already.