I made a rule a few months back. It was for myself to live by and would, so I hastily assumed, fix the more immediate problems in my life. The rule was shaped from a horrible perception that I haven't shaken to this day, and have only since realized that it doesn't work. I tried my hardest to find god in the rain that fell in the streets. I would remove my shoes and splash around-chase colored orbs with a forbidden friend and smile at the chance of being stoned in a light drizzle. The rule was wrong because of what a rule implies; that there is an absolute being applied to living. How fucking stupid of me to harness this yoke around my neck while claiming to be free as can be. Things are only uncertain in every facet of this life, they should never be tied down by a rule. And no matter how often you hear that boundaries are key to successful living, you can't taste success without knowing what it is to fail. So I did just that- I failed. I can retrospectively see it now. I set it up without knowing that there was something else being set up. That in my failure of living by this rule I would realize that living is just shit sometimes and that's that.

The rule was to live without fear.

Living fearlessly only gets you in a heap of trouble. Dirty, unnecessary, tasteless trouble. I learned things about certain people, or rather had them confirmed, and hence decided to weed them out of my life. I made other friends and experienced joy and wonder with them and that is always choice. I found a great deal of pain. What I learned most was that trying to live one way only made me realize that there is no such thing as living one way. Misery is apparent and should be accepted as a part of life. Learning to wade in that water is terrifying but shows us that there are tremendous feelings at stake. Feelings that deserve our protection. Feelings that I could kill for. Feelings that leave us on the mend after they've burned out with a glorious light and no trace of ember to solidify memory. It all happened so quickly.

I'm sitting with this here computer trying to admit to myself that I made some mistakes. Simultaneously I remember saying to myself, "let's make some mistakes." The word let's lets on that there are two. There are. I can clearly see the pirate in me, the evil cannibal who could set you on fire and cry with wonder while you died. I can also see this child who only wants to attend to you hand and foot. There are two. I'm only a little ahead of myself because I can see that. The real problem here is that I don't know what that fucking means.

Does it means that everyone is right and wrong? Everyone is alive and dead. Everyone is alone and abreast with teeming life. I am so happy while hating everything. I am you who is me who is god.

I love you all and