Hi Ya’ll,

I know it’s been a while. My life has been in quite a turmoil. I’m trying to figure out who I am at 55 years old, realizing that I have allowed myself to be led into a life not of my choosing. For instance, I loved drawing as a kid. My Mom had me take a correspondence course, which I did without much joy. Then she encouraged strongly that I major in Commercial Art in college, because that’s where you can make money. I hated it and ended up dropping that major, shifting to art education and finally to early childhood education. I never wanted to teach. Isn’t that pretty awful? I just did all this to make my Mom think I was doing something worthwhile.

I’m sorry to say that when I married, I made similar mistakes. Yes, I did some things I liked, but still did things differently than I may have chosen just to be accepted and hopefully loved. I know this is an unusual post for me. I just needed to tell somebody. So, you readers are it. LOL

I’m now finally beginning to see that I am where I am because I never said ’STOP! I want to do this....’ Yes I rode horses ( the love of my life). Yes, I drew some. But, always there was someone I was trying to please. I felt I needed to be really good at something to be acceptable. No more!

I’m learning how to not feel guilty when I choose to stand firm for what I believe. I’m beginning to take more charge of my life. I am making choices based on what I feel is the right thing to do and not what I’m given permission to do, or persuaded to do by manipulating me to feel guilty. I realize it isn’t the other person’s fault as much as my own. I let myself be manipulated. I could have chosen to be strong in myself to do what I felt was right.

On a good note: My oldest daughter had a baby girl. I’m a proud grandmother again. I hope to go see her soon and help out with her 2 boys and shopping, cooking, etc. They live about 6 1/2 hours away from us.

So, now you have it. The past few weeks I’ve been trying to figure what is important in my life, what makes me ME. In other words, who am I really? I may have only a few years or another 35 years to fulfill whatever it is I’m suppose to. If any of you believe in prayer, please pray. I have no means of making money that I can see. I don’t know if I should even be concerned about making money. My husband works, but we’ve had to declare bankruptcy due to many unfortunate events in our lives, one being my husband almost died in the hospital with something they never figured out. Another bank buster was a church we had joined that turned out to be a cult. (See Join Us, the documentary) That was also the experience that helped me to understand how I had given control over my life, even in lesser degrees, to others even before this church. Now I’m hyper sensitive to control issues. I also have a greater compassion and empathy for others now. Though it was an awful experience that progressed with time to almost total mind control, I have come away a much stronger individual. It has taken 3 years for me to come to the point I am at now. I still cringe when I think about the cult for long, and I have what is called triggers. Triggers are things that cause you to feel as you did in the cult.

Well that’s enough for now. Sorry, if I got a little long winded.

Karen