Saddam Hussein's Secret to Life?>
AP Writer
?>December 5, 2006
Baghdad, Iraq
In an unprecedented exclusive with Saddam Hussein, I had the opportunity to converse very unexpectedly on subjects never discussed before with the former dictator: Love and Life. The time and place cannot be discussed due to security violations, however, my meeting was both chance and brief. It began as I stumbled into the wrong door and found Saddam Hussein lying face down on a table getting an oiled massage by a lovely red-haired woman in a white robe. A moment later the massage was completed and the masseuse left the room leaving me alone with the former leader. After the door closed, Saddam leaned up from his massage table and noticed me standing there quite surprised to see him. He, however, was not as surprised and thus began our dialogue…
Saddam:
I like red-heads.
Denn:
Have you ever been with one?
Saddam:
Nah
Denn:
Have you ever been in love?
Saddam:
Once. I was driving a heard of people across the pan handle… Tikrit. Passed around this little dirt farm right around sun-down. Out in the field was this woman working down in the dirt, just about then she stood up to stretch her back. She was wearing a little cotton dress and a satin sun was right behind her showing the shape that God's given her.
Denn:
What happened?
Saddam:
I just turned around and rode away while my men killed her and everyone else in the field that day.
Denn:
Why?
Saddam:
I figured it wasn't gonna get any further than that.
Denn:
Yeah, but you could have been, you know, with her.
Saddam:
I've been with lots of women.
Denn:
I know, but she could have been the love of your life.
Saddam:
She is.
Denn:
That's great. That's not great, no, that's wrong Saddam. You passed up something that might have been terrific and you killed all of those people. That's bad. No, that's very bad, Saddam!
Saddam:
My choice.
Denn:
I never could have done that.
Saddam:
That's your choice. A dictator leads a different kind of life… when there were dictators. We're a dying breed. Still means something to me though. A couple of days, we'd move this heard across the river right into the valley and shoot them. Haha, There's nothing like bringing in a heard.
Denn:
See, now that's wrong, but your life makes sense to you??!!
Saddam:
Haha.
Denn:
What's so funny?
Saddam:
You infidel folk. You worry about a lot of shit, don't you?
Denn:
Shit, my girlfriend basically told me she doesn't want me around.
Saddam:
Is she a red-head. Haha.
Denn:
I'm just saying
Saddam:
How old are you? 26?
Denn:
32.
Saddam:
Yeah, you all come up here (undisclosed) about the same age, same problems. Spend about 50 weeks a year getting knots in your ropes, then, and then you think two weeks on R&R'll untie 'em for you. None of you get it. Do you know what the secret of life is?
Denn:
No, what.
Saddam:
This. (He holds up one finger)
Denn:
Your finger?
Saddam:
One thing. (pause) Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else just don't mean shit.
Denn:
That's great, but, what's the one thing?
Saddam:
That's what you have to figure out.
Just then, the door slams open and about ten soldiers with guns point at me asking me how I got in here and what clearance do I have or who I'm with or put down your weapon… you know, things like that. Needless to say, the next fourteen hours of interrogation were pretty intense, but at least I got my story and the world can now read this exclusive diablog (as the youth call it today) with former dictator Saddam Hussein.