So, it's Sunday night... I'm hangin ten with my awesome grandma, watchin a Hallmark movie and recapping my weekend...

I'm not really much for goin out. I'm not a big drinker and I'm not a Steeler fan, so I'm pretty much NOT a true Pittsburgher, but somehow, some way, I still end up in these places... not by choice, really...

Anyways... being a girl in a bar has its pros and cons... mostly cons. When I was younger... singler... and more apt to get drunk on the weekend, I LOVED bein in the bar. My friend Kristin and I were like salt n pepper... Not the pop stars.... the condiments.

She was about my height, blonde and built like a brick shit house. (That's a good thing.) We NEVER paid for a drink, never paid for a concert ticket and never had a dull moment. Now that we're old... we're still like salt n pepper (blonde n brunette, incase you didn't catch on to that), but she's preggers and I'm... not. LOL I'm old, broken and OVER the party scene.

When I'm brought into this environment, I've got to mentally prepare myself for the horrors that be... Mainly drunk dudes who feel like we are SUPPOSED to talk to them... because they're drunk, I guess, right?? I know that when I'm drunk, I feel more entitled, for sure. I think that complete strangers should pay attention to everything I say and do. I think everyone should talk to me and take my shit, too. They should laugh at all of my jokes, humor me and let me stare at their boobies. (Sarcasm.)

Fellas, when you are out at a bar... Tip 1 from the Jode would be: Don't blatantly oogle a girl. If she see's you staring at her ass, legs or chest like you've never seen a woman before, she's going to think you're a creep. Because you are.

Tip 2: Don't approach her by putting your HANDS ON HER. You don't know her. You haven't earned the right to touch, tap, poke, or hug her. It's inappropriate, inconsiderate and rude. Any girl who gives in to that crap is probably NOT worth your time.

Tip 3: Most girls have babysat before. AKA, they've earned MONEY to care for CHILDREN... Don't be a child. DON'T to get shitfaced. Drink to get buzzed if you HAVE to, but when you're drooling and tripping over your feet while you're standing still, you're not attractive. You won't get past a "hello." I promise.

Tip 4: STEP BACK!!! She doesn't mind talking to you... and she knows it's loud in the bar, but HONESTLY!!! If she has to back up onto an elevated platform and then behind a table, you're obviously too close. Your breath is probably hot and no one wants to smell that. Not even you. I guarantee it.

Tip 5: Don't tuck in your shirt. I don't think this needs an explanation.

Tip 6: Don't tell her about your condo in South Side. First of all, if she were the kind of girl that might be impressed by such a statement, a condo in South Side isn't all that impressive. Seriously. Think before you speak. Maybe this should be Tip 1. Whatever.

Tip 7: Don't insist on ANYTHING. If she says "no," it's "no." If she says "no" and it's NOT "no," she'll come find you later... She will. Don't be annoying.

Tip 8: When she says she has a boyfriend, yes, we know, chances are she doesn't. . . BUT if she tells you she's taken, she's NOT INTERESTED!! Face it and MOVE ON!! Don't waste your time trying to convince her to leave him... because "he" doesn't exist. Stupid!!

Tip 9: Don't let your annoying friend take over conversation. Actually, don't even let him speak. If he is actually your friend, what does that tell us?? The company you keep reflects YOU...

And finally, Tip 10: If you do these things, and a girl STILL goes home with you, make sure you give her my number so that I can tear her a new one for making girls look like we actually LIKE men like you.


Gosh, I need a drink.
Thank you.

Bye :)