This is an open letter to a brother named J.T. who is publishing a book to help Black women erase negative relationship patterns. I want to applaud his accomplishment and encourage him to keep honing his craft.

I'd like to say Happy Father Day to the dads. And Happy Non-Father's Day to the childless! Brothers who've chosen to delay parenthood until they are truly ready deserve a holiday.

That being said, J.T., you raise some interesting topics that are worth discussing.  I like the idea that Black women can remove the obstacles in finding good men and building healthy relationships by simply making better choices.

If only it were that easy...

It is refreshing to hear a brother offer advice instead of just shooting off a litany of reasons why women are wrong. Unfortunately, we cannot through self-help books, just shake off centuries of the Black male's historical disenfranchisement and subsequent unemployment, incarceration, and lack of education which inevitably destroy Black relationships. While, many of us have made incredible strides in every endeavor -unprecedented until as recently as a single generation ago - a large number of African Americans are still living in peril.

 Your message suggests that Black women could end their rampant singleness (70%) largely by transcending illogical thinking and behavior that you seem to imply is inherent to the female gender. All we need to do is stop being "religious fanatics"  in the daytime and "freaks" at night, stop loving our exes, and stop obsessing about marriage – all problems solved. If it were that simple, we all would have done it a long time ago. That is not to suggest that some women are not engaging in toxic behavior when it comes to men - many are, but if we all got our minds right tomorrow, it still would not conjure up an adequate number of suitable Black men to meet the needs of those in the 70% who wish to marry or be in monogamous relationships.

There will still be lots of brothers in jail, openly gay, bi or transgender, on the down low, unemployed, uneducated, poor, or simply just not into us.

 What we need is a total cultural paradigm shift that eradicates the root causes of dysfunction in Black life. We need a strict pro-education, pro-employment, anti-materialism, anti-homophobic, anti-violent end to self-hate, misogyny, misandry, poverty, drug abuse and other ills which kill us daily.

We need better access to gainful employment and the means to integrate non-violent convicted felons back into society upon their release from prison. We need to fight racism in a way that promotes individual and collective empowerment without resorting to a blame-the-white-man ideology. When our overall health, well-being, access and utilization of education, fair housing and greater opportunity becomes the norm, then our relationships will heal. This will be hard as hell. However, as a people who have overcome some of the greatest indignities in human history, in the words of Barack Obama, "Yes we can."

It's much bigger than a few sisters erasing bad relationship patterns.  

Of course, according to your "rules" Black women can get what we need and want out of men, but the men have to be present.

Again, Happy Non-Father's Day, J.T. Keep doing what you do.

Let's talk again. 

-S