Or: America Gets Fat, Stupid, and Heavily Armed.

During the first half of this past week, I discovered an interesting thread running through the news. First, a story from the Associated Press about rising obesity rates in the US. Thirty-one states posted an increase in horrid, unsightly flab, with the remaining 19 states showing no change from previous years. Mississippi holds the title, with one-third of its population unable to see their feet or turn down that fourth helping of deep-fried grits and barbequed pig offal. West Virginia and Alabama follow close behind, proving a point I've been making for years: Everything bad in this country is ten times worse south of the Mason-Dixon. If ol' Abe Lincoln could've seen into the future, he probably would've said, "Well, President of the Confederacy Jefferson Davis, without your cotton and tobacco, trade in the north will suffer. You use slaves to perform all your grueling, back-breaking labor, which in morally inexcusable. But in 150 years or so, the south will be peopled by ignorant, gap-toothed, dull-witted, disgustingly overweight welfare cheats who only exist to make the rest of us look better by comparison. So go right ahead and secede. I'm sure we'll manage."

(I should point out here that my Father's parents are both from the south. They are wonderful, intelligent, tolerant people, full of love and compassion for their fellow man and a desire to improve the world around them. I should also point out that they've lived in New England for the last 50-plus years, because they clearly didn't fit in where they're from.)

The same day the above was reported, another article from the AP told of yet another drop in SAT scores, bringing the national average to a new eight-year low. But is this evidence that America is getting dumber? Not according to the College Board, who believe the decrease is due to "a more diverse pool of students" taking the exam. Of course, by "diverse pool," what they really mean is "Hispanics and blacks." Asians, as we all know, are the ones keeping the scores from totally bottoming out. Clearly, the College Board has no idea what they're talking about. America is, without question, getting dumber. Just spend an afternoon watching MTV, VH1 and the E! Network. It's been scientifically proven that your IQ drops a half-point every two minutes while watching "The Hills," a full point per episode of "Scott Baio is 45... And Single," and a whopping ten points for even thinking about watching "The Girls Next Door." An all-day marathon of "The Simple Life" is the mental equivalent of drinking a bottle of Liquid Plumber. 

So we're fat and stupid. Big deal. We make up for our national shortcomings by packing more heat than any other country in the world. According to the annual Small Arms Survey, there are enough guns in the US to arm 9 out of 10 people. Feels good, doesn't it? Of approximately 875 million small arms (from pistols to semi-automatic rifles) in world-wide circulation, civilians have access to 650 million of them, and of that number, 270 million are in the hands of American citizens. How d'you like that? Over 1/4 of the small arms in the world belong to us. Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell can eat a bag of dicks (well, more like two bags each, because one would barely be an appetizer for those fat sacks of freedom-hating shit). Why? Because when the rape trucks come rolling down the street and John Q. Government asks us to step outside while they ransack the house, we can put up a fight. Sure, the jack-boots have better technology and heavier artillery, but so did the British back in 1776, and look how that worked out. Yeah, I know, I sound like a paranoid lunatic who's seen Red Dawn and Invasion USA too many times (which is entirely true), but hey, fuck you. It could happen. And if it does, I know where I'll be: Heading north at 110 per, armed to the teeth and cooking any fool who dares get in my way.

So there we have it. America, land of the fat, home of the dumb. But mess with us and we'll fucking shoot you. Now I must shower, because I haven't bathed all weekend and I smell strongly of beer sweat and crotch-rot.