THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 135 - 143

I know a very sweet man from New York City who’s blind as hell and has lived his life in fear and doubt about himself too.  Mr. New York, if the shoe fits, wear it dude.  I sorely love you, in spite of yourself.  I can’t help it if I can see you.  I see you, I see you for what you are not.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, it simply means that I can see the pain you’ve stuffed within your heart never to be let back out.  Your eyes are so gentle, they look just like a teddy bear, yet you continue to run around like you’re in your underwear.  Your eyes remind me of my “Beloved’s” eyes, your eyes are so gentle. 

I know your childhood pain and you know I do for you’ve shared with me, and you and I will forever be kindred spirits and that’s why I’m taking the time to talk to you.  Turn away my dear good friend it’s time to own up and see your broken heart, take a drink instead from this wonderful cup.  Before you know it your name will be changed and your life will become something precious and sweet instead of you feeling like you have smelly feet.  Your search for the answers to your hearts questions has now been laid like a rose at your feet; it’s up to you to make your life whole and complete.  I love you dear friend.

In reality right from the start, my gentle knight and I never allowed true loves start to ever begin.  Because of my hearts pain and hurt from my childhood bad start, I only had half a heart to give to him, and because of his hearts pain and hurt from his childhood bad start, he too hadn’t ever allowed his heart to experience true loves start with me either, because he only had half a heart to give to me in return.  He was given an incomplete heart, from his childhood bad start, also. 

We, neither one, owned a whole heart that we could give to the other, and then we spent a lifetime together stuffing more pain within our heart.  That’s how our union fell apart.  We never had full possession of our hearts.  How can you only give half a heart to someone and expect a union to last?  You have to have full ownership of your heart before you can give your heart to another.

No one had ever been given my whole heart; I was holding onto at least half of my heart for dear life and he had unknowingly done the same for his whole life.  You see, I held on to the other half of my heart for safe keeping because no one else in my opinion would know how to handle it better than myself so the whole of my heart was always withheld and he did the same thing at his childhood bad start as he made this same vow within his heart to never allow another to hurt his heart again but we didn’t know that’s what we did.

As a child, my heart wasn’t getting handled well and I thought that I could do a better job of taking care of my own heart.  At the age of eight I took hold of my heart and held it tight while refusing to allow anyone to pass its threshold after my childhood trauma and he did the same at the moment of his childhood trauma.  Neither one of us had a whole heart to give to the other but we each one had a part in cycling in the cycle of verbal abuse that brought us our own insurmountable pain that we were both forced to bear because of our patterns of stuffing pain and our union was lost.

Only the cycle of verbal abuse and half shattered hearts is what my knight and I ever exchanged.  We gave each other half a heart while holding onto the other half of our hearts for dear life so our hearts could remain safe and not ever get murdered again, right from our starts, and now I’ve realized that we were the cause of our own broken hearts.  That’s what we really did with each other because of our childhood bad starts that had brought such a traumatic experience over our heads as we both tucked our hearts away for safe keeping because of our childhood bad starts.  Our hearts were tucked away by each of us for safekeeping.  We tucked our hearts away for safekeeping and protected them from ever being hurt like that again.  He or I had never given ourselves fully to someone else after our childhood traumas.

We have both longed to belong to each other but have always been too afraid to be that vulnerable with one another.  We both were betrayed by someone very important to us in our lives.  We were both betrayed by a “Beloved,” although his was not a betrayal such as mine but a deep betrayal none the same, one that left him feeling abandoned.  We were children when we made a decision to protect what was left of our little hearts.  He too was a frozen child from his painful childhood bad start, just like me.  He joined the land of the living dead at nine years old.

We were both numb and desensitized and disassociated ourselves from the feeling of pain for the whole of our lives.  We just didn’t know what we were doing to one another, when as children we made a vow to ourselves to never allow another total entrance into our hearts again as we sat there in our fear from the childhood trauma that was brought to us.  We took our hearts back from the one who perpetrated our heart break and shattered our hearts and we made a vow to never give all of our heart to another person ever again in our lives, so we’d never get hurt like that again.

I had no idea that’s what I had done as I was traumatized by my “Beloved.”  Now I understand what took place between my knight and me in our interpersonal relationship.  All we really gave to each other is the cycle of verbal abuse and half a heart.  We knew we were only able to give half a heart to each other we just never realized the outcome that would be ours for having done that.  How do you fully commit to someone by only giving a part of your heart, while you hold onto the other part and keep hiding behind your wall of fear that you’ve built around yourself to keep yourself safe while feeling afraid to be vulnerable and honest with each other?  It’s incongruent. 

You can’t have a full love with only half a heart given to the other out of your fear to ever be that vulnerable again.  You can’t keep half your heart for safekeeping and also know true loves start at the same time.  True loves start is found through love of self.  Love of self brings true loves start.  You have to love yourself enough to take full ownership of the condition of your heart, by dispersing every single drop of held on to grudges, resentments and past offenses so you can have a whole heart to give.  I found my fresh start as I put on the garments of love of self and have been brought true loves start within my heart. 

I want to give the whole of my heart to him and I want the whole of his heart given to me.  I’ve found my fresh start because I found him with my heart.  It was time for me to stop being afraid as time took me by the wrist and directed me where to go, and after I left I found that love of self was the way to be brought to true loves start.

Can any of you admit that you’ve allowed your lifetime of pain to be buried in your heart and it’s you who’s continuing to do the stuffing of pain that’s preventing you from finding true loves start?  None the same, my love for him has carried me through as we once again live under the same roof.  We were so in love from our beginning that our love should have never gotten lost.

Can any of you realize that you need to be responsible for your decision to hold onto your pain, or do you instead allow the pain from your lifetime to stay so that you’re unable to find your fresh start?  Do any of you even realize it’s time to walk away from your pattern of stuffing anger and pain?  Do any of you even want to do the work it would take to let your pain held for a lifetime back out?  Do any of you realize that to write away the hurt and pain is something that you do for yourself.  It’s a gift you give yourself.  To release the pain is for you.  Your hearts pain is threatening the life it belongs to; you.

Are you one who says that you don’t believe that one has to revisit the pain that you’ve buried?  Do you believe that it’s not necessary to puke every ounce of pain, past resentments and held onto grudges out of your heart before you can find your fresh start?  Do you instead continue to stand in your river of denial about your life patterns and behaviors?   It doesn’t feel safe to come out from behind your wall of fear to which you’ve run, does it?  Are you ignoring your own emotional wellbeing?  Have any of you taken ownership of your hearts or have you instead totally surrendered and resigned yourself to never having a love that you’ve always wanted?

Have you let the pain endured from your lifetime of stuffing pain when felt to come inside and have you allowed your pain to set up housekeeping in your heart never to move out?  Are you stuck behind a wall of fear because you’re afraid to take the risk to face the pain from your past, or are you choosing to stay there because you don’t believe you need to deal with the pain from your past so you simply stuff the feeling of pain every time it’s felt?  The bad news is, your heart is too full of pain and there’s no where to put that pain anymore and that’s why you’re feeling so miserable and sad.  Don’t let your fear paralyze you, it isn’t real.  Face your fear.  Stop believing the lie that you don’t have to revisit your pain. 

Have you held onto the vow you once made to your small heart?  Are you still trying to uphold the vow to never let another bring you hurt ever again?  That vow is never going to cover your butts either.

I know that what I speak of is true because my “Beloved” breached my trust and shut my heart down at my childhood bad start, and it’s taken me twenty-one years of my life to find my way out of OZ.  At the age of eight I picked up what was left of my heart and held onto to it for dear life.  I’ve realized that it was the closing off of my heart that brought this great emptiness to my life not my lovely knight.  I’ve realized it was never my knight that brought the pain my heart was feeling. 

For me, stuffing pain when felt became a way to survive.  It became my life long pattern to stuff my pain instead.  I was numb and desensitized to the feelings of pain and I was fearful of being hurt again by anyone and it was the only way I could think of to survive my life.

Don’t tell me that as children we didn’t vow to our hearts, after the trauma was brought, to never allow another to hurt us like that again.  We each one instead choose to stand guard over our hearts and never allow full entrance to anyone so we’d be able to endure our life.  I’m telling you that whatever breeched the love you had for someone is the trauma that struck your heart.  Are you still choosing to stand in your pattern of stuffing your pain because that’s the pattern you developed to cope with pain?  Is it the only skill you have for dealing with the feeling of pain because it’s what you were taught you had to do with the pain? 

I dared to find out what the hell was going on in my life that was causing me to always feel so damn empty, lonely and miserable all of the time.  I realize now that I did this to myself right from my start and I never gave anyone the whole of my heart.  No wonder I was about to die from loneliness.  No wonder you’re about to die from loneliness.  I didn’t know that love of self is the first step to giving and receiving true loves start. 

Are any of you out of your river of denial yet?  Clear.  Clear.  All of you had a childhood bad start and a trauma where you too made a vow to never allow anyone enough entrance into your heart so no one could hurt your heart ever again.  You too developed a lifelong pattern of stuffing your pain when felt.  Your pain is now threatening the life it belongs too; you.

My heart has dawned and awakened itself from this lie and I’m unthawing from the long cold winter in my heart but every member in my family, however, doesn’t even know they’re still asleep and spinning in the cycle of verbal abuse. 

I didn’t even try to wake up until I was thirty five years old.  That’s when I faced my first session of dispersing the pain from my childhood bad start.  That was when I realized to journal the pain away for my own wellbeing, but I hadn’t made the connection to stop stuffing my pain.

After the fire was doused in my hometown I came back to my castle which was in another part of the kingdom and as I sat in my room in the dark of night I began to try and figure out why my heart still felt so tattered and torn.  I still felt tattered and torn in spite of the fact that I did the work of dispersing my childhood trauma and all the painful events from my childhood bad start.  I couldn’t deny to myself any longer that my heart was once again feeling tattered and torn.  It was because from the age of thirty five forward I continued to walk in the pattern of stuffing my pain again and my heart had once again arrived in a tattered and torn state for continuing to do that. 

I began to take a good long look at myself again because I knew the answers would lie within.  I had to know what I was still doing that was causing me to feel so damn sad, lonely and miserable all the time so I could stop doing it.  I was miserable as hell.  I took a mirror and looked myself square in the face as I dared to take a real honest look at myself once more because my Best Friend encouraged me to get honest with myself the same way you all still need to get honest with yourselves.

Not yet understanding that it was a pattern of stuffing pain that needed to be laid down, after I had dispersed my childhood pain, I returned to the only skill I knew for dealing with pain which was to stuff it.  I could no longer take any more pain and the agony of what I thought was the death of my union brought me too deep of a hurt.  I felt that I had failed at the one thing that I wanted the most, a successful union with a knight that I would always belong too. 

You can’t disperse your pain and then turn around and keep doing the same thing you did before you did that, the process of stuffing pain just keeps marching on and you’ll end up in the same tattered and torn place you thought you just brought yourself out of, and if you only disperse some of your pain then return to your old habits it isn’t going to work either, because you still haven’t found true loves start.  You can’t embrace this process in theory alone and expect a lasting change; the end result will be the same.  You have to wear these new garments not embrace them in theory alone.

The first time I did the work to empty out my childhood trauma from my heart, along with every other childhood offense I could think of, I thought I was leaving my heart open and ready for love to come in once more but the only thing I knew how to bring into my heart was pain.  I never realized the continuous need to take care of my own emotional wellbeing by releasing any pain that came thereafter so I reverted back to the only behavior pattern I had. 

In essence, after my first session of releasing the pain that I had stuffed, I returned back to my foreign land, planted my ass on that soil once more and there I sat down in my destruction and ashes while I was hiding from the world once again.  I sat in the ashes of my pain frozen in time until the fire in my home town awakened me.  There I sat with all the ashes of my life surrounding me like a shroud. 

All of you, take a look around you, how’s your shroud doing?  I’d had enough abuse given to my heart by eight to shut myself down to preserve my own wellbeing.  Anyone else out there realizing that you’re still shut down and numb from the top of your head to the tip of your toes because you’re ignoring your life’s pain?   

There are members in my family who were awakened long enough to deal with some of their hearts pain and then they went back to sleep again, and returned back to their pattern of stuffing pain.  They’ve convinced themselves that they’ve done all the work that’s necessary as they dealt with some of the pain that was being held within their hearts.  They’ve returned back to the only pattern they know when they feel pain, which is to continue to stuff their pain and they don’t even realize that they’ve not dealt with all of their past resentments, grudges and hurts and held onto offenses that are still dwelling within their hearts, as though they can just ignore those things as they continue to react out of their held onto grudges and resentments and past hurts not yet dealt with.

They’re pretending to themselves that they’ve done all the work it takes to find a fresh start.  These members have gone back to sleep and are once again walking around like everyone else in my family, as though their members of the living dead on automatic pilot, while they continue to ignore their feelings of sadness, emptiness and loneliness.

I did things on this journey that didn’t even demonstrate any boundaries in my life because I’ve never had any personal boundaries in my life; I was letting the codes of conduct that I had set up for my life direct my boundaries.  I didn’t know what personal boundaries were.  The “privacy code” and “code of silence” has always bordered my life for my protection from others.

Undefined thinking and undefined lines of conduct is what was demonstrated to me as a child and it left me with no definition about my autonomy.  I never developed my personal right of self governing my life as a matter of fact the core group I lived with taught me quite the opposite by their behaviors, words and deeds which confused the hell out of me so subsequently I didn’t get this attribute developed in my life.  I never developed the sense of having the right to self govern my life.  I was crippled right from my start because my life was undefined and blurred right from my start.

I’ve always felt that I had no real substance in and of myself.  I’ve felt insufficient insignificant, worthless and unwanted for the whole of my life.  I wasn’t allowed as a child to set limitations and boundaries for myself so I thought I wasn’t allowed to ever do that for myself for the rest of my life.  The message I was given as a child spoke that I didn’t have a right to boundaries or limits of what others wanted and needed from me.  I never knew personal boundaries could be mine.

Because of others deeds done to me I wasn’t taught that even when there are some things another person should never be allowed to do, they would do it anyway.  I wasn’t taught that others could not cross what could have been my personal boundary and a right to my autonomy instead so my innocence was stolen from me.  By their actions and deeds I was taught that anyone could cross whenever the fancy struck and do anything they wanted to do to me.

An opposite message was given to my heart from the others in my core group, right from my start.  I embraced this lie that I couldn’t and was not allowed to govern my life.  I’d been blinded to the truth that I could set limitations and boundaries because of others acts and deeds.  More accurately, I was never allowed any boundaries as a child and I bought into this lie and simply didn’t exercise this right for myself because I thought it didn’t exist.  I carried this believe into my adult life.  I didn’t have the right to self govern my life was the message I got.