THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 163  - 173

This happened to the generations before us, first.  They ran inside at the very moment of their childhood trauma so they wouldn’t disappear, just like you and me.  They became desensitized to pain and hurt for their lifetime.  In that very instant, just like you and me, they became numb and desensitized to the feeling of pain both given and received.  They were compelled to find a way to make themselves feel better and that’s how they resorted to physical abuse and sexual abuse and some people have resorted to murder of others because their pain became too great.

They couldn’t find their way.  They couldn’t find their way.  They had already lost their hearts because they chose instead to hold on to their hearts pain instead of letting it back out.  Love doesn’t stand a chance to grow in a heart that’s filled with pain, only resentments and held onto offenses and grudges can grow which lead you into a cycle of spite and hate as you enter yourself into the arena of physical abuse or sexual abuse.

That’s why my “Beloved’s” rage was so great.  I’ve looked back on his life and I found that his life was enormously painful from birth to death and I’ve realized that his rage was his release valve, the only release he knew.  He didn’t have the benefit or opportunity even given to him to know the teachings of mental health; they didn’t exist profoundly enough at that time.

Pain must be let go of, before love can enter into the heart and grow.  You can find a fresh start if you lay down your hearts enormous pain and walk away; they did not.  Our passed over loved ones were so mentally and emotionally abused and battered for stuffing their pain that they felt and believed others had caused them that they didn’t even know their name.  I arrived at a place with my enormous pain that anyone who knew me before couldn’t even figure out my name; I looked and sounded like a lunatic.

Again, I repeat, it’s not some wicked spirit of perversion that snuck in the back door and attacked mankind that’s causing sexual abuse and physical abuse and even murders and assaults in the whole of mankind.  Can you finally see why it’s time to get out of the cycle of verbal abuse?  I’ve had the awakening of my life but only because of the amazing power of empathy for my offenders.  Empathy is the capacity to accurately perceive and respond to another person’s thoughts and feelings.  Empathy is also essential to creating real intimacy and satisfying long lasting relationships.

Sympathy is very different than empathy.  Sympathy is an involuntary feeling; it’s the passive experience of sharing another person’s fear, grief, anger or joy while empathy is an active process in which you try to learn all you can about another person’s life history, rather than having only superficial awareness.  We all have the innate capacity for empathy but we only tend to know how to exercise sympathy with one another.  I looked and searched for the ugly truths about myself and how it was that I fell and finally I could see for myself that I picked up the addiction to the cycle of verbal abuse and damaged my own life as I developed within myself the ability to empathize.

I’m not afraid to see the “me” that I became.  Once I saw myself plainly I ran like hell out of the river of denial; I couldn’t take how sad, lonely and numb I felt.  I’m sharing myself with anyone who’ll listen to what it takes to get real with their hearts because I’m trying to wake everyone up inside.  I’ve held myself and my knight up as examples into a light that is so bright it’s blinding as I try desperately to awaken first my loved ones and then the whole of mankind about the cycle of verbal abuse and everything that comes with it.  I’m going to let my words of truth spread throughout the globe, throughout all of mankind.  I intend to allow the sonnet of my heart to fly into the hearts of all the people of the universe.  I’m getting my story published because it’s my dream to see children free and clear of child abuse.  I’m an advocate for child abuse prevention.

But first, I’m trying to pull my family out of time and hang all of them out on a line by exposing all my truths about myself.  I’m trying to evoke emotions within them and the whole of mankind.  I’m trying to wake all their asses up right along with mankind’s asses.  I’m calling each of them by name to accountability.  My heart is instructing me to show the way out of OZ.  I’m writing an instruction manual for God sake.  I’m writing a map that can lead you and the whole of mankind out of this insane kingdom.

The event that awoke me from my slumber in the first place was when the hotel in my home town caught fire and burned to the ground.  After I witnessed the burning of that landmark hotel that was so dear to my heart is when I finally got to the end of myself.  I stood in the middle of the street watching the building smolder as I drew on the memories of my Grandfather who had once lived there before he died at the age of ninety four.  I was heart sick as I saw with my own eyes and realized the destruction that was still in my life as I gazed upon the twisted steal and fallen bricks.  That’s when I got up from the destruction and the ashes of my past and walked away from my life of pain because I could see myself clearly in the rubble of what was left of that hotel.

I was so desensitized to the pain that I was inflicting upon my family’s hearts and upon my own heart through my reactive anger and stuffing the pain that I thought others were causing me to feel because all I ever knew to do with the pain was to stuff it down into my heart, that’s all I had the ability to do was walk around numb and desensitized for the whole of my life leaving myself wide open to allow resentments and held onto offenses to grow between us, instead.  I left no room for love to flourish in my heart.

I fought like hell to find the way back to my hearts truth about myself as I found the ugly truth of how I was choosing to live my life.  That was the most anguish and sorrow I’ve ever felt in my life to realize how I had hurt my children and knight throughout my life.  I’ve made a decision to break this insidious cycle I kept participating in as I brought total silence to my loved ones and friends while I was trying to learn how to stop playing my established part once I found a place where I could take my stand.

I had to stop spinning and stop the confusion and strife everyone was spinning in; I couldn’t think.  I left the attempted shoot out at the O. K. Coral that everyone I loved was spinning in and procured myself some peace of mind as I got alone with myself in a very private place on purpose.  I just wanted my damn peace of mind.  I shut my mouth and turned on the ears to my heart so I could listen to what the hell my life had become and why.  I’ve learned to be still because on my twenty-one year journey back home to my heart I developed hinds feet to follow my hearts lead.  My heart was refusing to participate any longer in the circle of pain or the cycle of blame, hate and spite that I had walked in for the whole of my life and I was dead serious. 

I found that all you have to do is put on your brakes and stop; we all know how to drive a car.  I put my hands on the steering wheel of my life and tried to take control of my mouth.  We can, each one of us, learn how to stop participating in this cycle and in so doing we can teach our children and grandchildren a new path to take.  Let the children stay on the path of their hearts where His DNA is imprinted to show them the way and teach them right from wrong.  Stop speaking in front of the children passive and then aggressive in this pattern of communication that you’ve built for yourself to live your life from.  Stop cycling before their eyes and then call them our little friends.  

Having to participate in the cycle of verbal abuse in order to relate within their interpersonal relationships confuses them and it hurts them as they learn to hand out pain and take it in.  Lost dreams will be birthed in their hearts, they’ll lose their way and they’ll drift away from their hearts.  Their hearts leading is all they’ll ever need to live a successful and fulfilling life.  Their hearts were placed there by Him to lead them on life’s path.

It’s when they’re free to follow their hearts leading and their own intuition that they can grow strong and true.  It’s when they’ve been given the right to participate in their lives and learn how to judge things correctly for themselves that they can stand and be true to themselves.  It’s when their given a proper voice and a forum in which to express themselves that they’ll feel safe and can grow healthy.

Let them have the right to make decisions, right or wrong.  Let them do what they think is best for them as they find their way.  Give them the freedom to learn how to make good judgments for themselves.  A few bad ones may be seen along the way but their heart and their instincts is all they’ll need to show them the way back out from their mistake.  Let them become experiential learners; it teaches truth best.

Don’t lead them away from their hearts leading by confusing them with your harsh treatment of them and each other.  Stop crushing their spirits.  Allow them to trust what they see with their own eyes and allow them to feel what they sense is actually happening so that they can make the right choices in life.  Let them learn to trust their instincts and their guts.  Let them learn to be true to themselves.  They can see the truth.  You tell them it’s a lie by your actions and deeds and they’re afraid to trust their instincts about what they see you doing because you’re confusing them.  They know that the way you’re communicating with one another is wrong; they can sense how wounding it is to speak to one another in this style of communication.  Instead you’ve invited them to come and live with you in the illusion that you’re living as you hand out and give to them their established part in the cycle of verbal abuse.

Give them their personal space and let them learn what personal boundaries are and allow them to set their own boundaries about what they’ll allow others to do and say to them.  Allow them a forum in which to give voice to their emotions without the threat of retaliation for having used their voices to tell you what they don’t like.  Let them learn how to say no and set limits.  Give them their autonomy.  Let them belong to themselves and be true to themselves and not become for you what you need them to be for the sake of your emotional wellbeing.  Allow them to feel congruent with their own self’s.  Let them have the knowing that they’re doing the right thing by doing what’s best for them not being taught how to conform to conduct performed for the sake of everyone’s wellbeing within the family unit so you can all walk in unison with one another so the atmosphere is in some sort of control.

They can see the lie you’re living and they don’t want to live like you but they can’t figure out how not to because you don’t have a free forum within your households and consider it back talk if they use their voices to express their opinions, thoughts or any of their God given emotions that were given them for their good.  Stop leading them away from their hearts.  Let them learn how to sustain themselves, they’ll need these new skills for a happy fulfilling life.  Isn’t that what you want for your children and grandchildren?  Their hearts will tell them if it’s right of if it’s wrong.  The little ones know you’re wrong because they have their innocence still and are pure of heart and they can see right through you, you fools.  Their hearts are telling them you’re making a mistake just look at the confusion upon their face.

Look at the dim light in their eyes.  They’re all fainting and wilting and some of them have already become lost.  Some of them are already gone.  They’re numb and they’ve already been desensitized to the feeling of pain because they’ve already had to endure too much of it from you.  Look into their eyes.  Look into your children’s soul.  Look into my grandchildren’s eyes.  You’ll hate yourself for what you see I promise you.

Their hearts do have the ability right now that will tell them what’s right and what’s wrong and their hearts will tell them if it’s good or bad. Allow them learn to judge things for themselves correctly.  They could judge things for themselves if you would only allow them to see things clearly and stop confusing them by spinning amongst yourselves.

Let them be about the task of being instead of always doing what you think they’re supposed to be doing for the sake of the family unit’s wellbeing through conduct performed for the sake of the whole.  Let them participate in their life and decide for themselves what’s right or wrong, good or bad.  They don’t need you to tell them what’s right, wrong, good or bad through codes of conduct; their emotions, their hearts, will scream the truth to them.  His voice lives inside their hearts, He’s in all of us but they must be given the right to let their hearts voice lead them not your voice and the harsh cruel things you say and do to each other.  Don’t make them live their lives believing that they’re something that they are not.

The visual you’re handing them sends them down the same path of destruction you find yourself in.  You’re keeping yourself and them in the middle of confusion and strife by demanding they learn all the rules of conduct that you were taught to live your life from.  How do you expect a little one to find his footing and know how to stand when they’re standing in constant confusion and strife caused from communicating in interpersonal relationships the way you do.  It’s like standing in quick sand.

I realize that you don’t know that you’ve asked them to participate in and become a part of this insanity but now you’ve been shown different and it’s time for you to change and grow for their sake.  They’re all so little yet you teach them how to spin with you and you teach them to interact with the other little people in their lives in the same fashion that you are.  We’re all babbling.  Even the little ones are babbling, hitting and slapping one another.  Don’t lead the children away from the voice that will guide them through their journey in life.  Allow them to honor their hearts.  Allowing them to honor what they see as truth for themselves tells them that they have worth and value.  When you respect and cherish their hearts belief system it speaks that they’re valued and have worth.

I stood in the gap between heaven and earth praying to find the truth about what damaged mine and your life for twenty-one years of my life.  I had to know what I could do to make myself feel better.  I had to know what I could do that would help me reach this goal to feel whole and complete.  I just had to reach a place where I no longer felt broken, incomplete and half baked.  I wanted to be healed.  “Physician, heal thy self” was His reply to me as He showed the Divine truth about the cycle of verbal abuse to me.

For the past twenty-one years of my life I’ve continuously sought the answer to what I could change about myself that would make a lasting difference so I could one day constitute a change in my life that would lead me to feeling whole and complete.  For twenty-one years of my life I’ve sought the answer that would end the pain, fear, anger, need to control others, hurt, worry and loneliness that I was living in.  I was completely numb and desensitized for the whole of my life living like a robot or a walking zombie on automatic pilot while feeling lonely and sad.  It was pain, fear, anger, the need to control others, hurt, worry and loneliness that have lingered over my head my entire life that lead me to the platform of blame which in turn lead me into the land of OZ to act so insane.

I just knew there was a cause that made me lose my heart.  I found the answer to the riddle; it was my participation in the cycle of verbal abuse that brought such ruin into my life.  I had done it all to myself.  I hope and pray that my efforts will not be wasted on just myself.  I’m begging all of you, please wake up.  Please hear my hearts cry for all of us.  I can see you hurting, you’re all in such pain and it’s breaking my heart.  I fear I’ll never see your heart smiling again.  I truly understand your pain and hurt and my heart is aching for all of you.  I’m so desperately trying to show all of you the way back home to your hearts so you can find your fresh start.  My God, will you all please wake up and come out of your denial that you’re all standing in.  I need you all in my life.  Save ourselves.

I’ve waited for the root of evil that impacted my life and all of yours to be spoken to my heart for such a very long time.  Now I know that life has given me more than just memories.  I’ve always felt like that mustang horse.  I’ve always felt that I was the guard between the two packs of mustang horses.  I always had a plan from the get go of this journey that began for me when I was thirty five.  I was going to find my way out of feeling incomplete and half baked if it was the last thing I ever did and when I did I was going to take you all by the hands and guide you all out of this nightmare.  I was never going to allow anyone to get left behind and not be able to find their way home at the end of the day.  No way!

I’ve stood here and stamped my foot while snorting through my nostrils trying to get you to catch up to what I’m trying to show all of you.  I’ve been babbling for an entire year at all of you.  Would you all just wake the hell up?  I’m telling you, I’ve found the way out of OZ!

I knew I had excess baggage hanging over my life so I dared to open the suitcases of my excess baggage and see what was inside.  My hope and faith of one day finding a love that would feel genuine and pure to my heart spurred me onward.  I ran against the wind in hope and faith as I began to identify, label and put a name to the things that I needed to change.  I attended dozens of conferences on victims of abuse in several different states as I traveled throughout this nation.  You name it, I went.  I’ve lived in fifteen states and a foreign country and I was given ample opportunity to gain the knowledge I needed to make the changes in my life in order to grow and change.  I was being educated for free and it was my path to take to find my heart on my spiritual journey back home to myself.

I’ve attended many classes and several conferences in several states on the subject of the human condition of man.  I’ve been in private therapy several times and I’ve had couple therapy several times.  I’ve become so knowledgeable about the human condition of mankind that I could be a physiologist myself.  I’ve read everything I could get my hands on in the self-help book section of my favorite book stores.

I own many self-help books that I’ve read that are in my personal library of collections, which has brought significant change and growth to my life.  I’ve been studying the human condition of mankind for over twenty years of my life, while applying what I’ve learned to my life.  In fact, I think I’m writing my thesis right now, because I feel like I’ve been in college studying the condition of mankind for almost half my life.  Now in addition to what I already had under my belt, thirty six more weeks in domestic violence classes is quite a sufficient more amount to absorb, thank you very much.

I’ve been in college alright. I’ve earned a PhD. in the school of hard knocks.  I devoted myself to the education of mental health for twenty-one years of my life but I went one step further because I asked for Divine help as I began this spiritual journey.  I asked for my Best Friend’s guidance every step of the way.  I asked Him for the answers and His Divine guidance and I asked of Him to show me why I always felt so tattered and torn.  I asked of Him about my hurt and pain and how I could change my name and He shined a search light upon all my truths and I’ll never be the same.  He led me down the path that I was instructed to take twenty-one years ago when he asked, “Are you ready yet?”  It’s He who developed “hind’s feet” upon this soul.

My Best Friend came with me on this journey and encouraged me to learn how to turn away from the patterns and steps that he showed me were mine to posses as I walked in His grace.  I saw these things in myself with my very own eyes, first and that’s how I can see them in all of you.  I was not blind or deaf like the rest of you seem to be.  Like I said, I swam like hell out of my river of denial when I heard the truth about the cycle of verbal abuse spoken to my heart.  I became accountable for the first time in my life for my own choices.  I’m now writing an oral explanation and a narrative record of events that took place in my lifetime that’s acknowledges my worth.  I’m acting in a creditable way and the events in my lifetime are capable of being explained.  Everyone wants to be understood. 

My life does have worth and importance and I’ve turned my talent to good.  I got the hell out of the middle of my river of denial and ran to the shore to listen to my heart as my Best Friend showed me the worst parts of me that needed to change in order to constitute a real change in my life that I wanted so badly.  I could taste a healing in the air as I stood in front of that burned down building that was so dear to my heart.  That building smoldering from its very belly quicken my very soul.  It hurt so bad to see it go.  I ran to my Best Friend and cried so hard about what had happened in my home town.  That town is my heart and I love every soul within that town.

I’m still working diligently at recognizing when I’m on a step that can lead me to blaming or in my pattern of stuffing my pain that leads me into acting so insane because I’ve embraced the letting go of the cycle of verbal abuse in more than just theory.  I’m learning to identify what I keep doing that causes my heart pain.  I’m beginning to recognize all the patterns and steps that evoke this behavior from me.  I can identify what I’m doing and I can recognize and see for myself what I keep doing to hurt others and myself.  When I see me, I make a mental note and try my best to not make the same mistake again because I’ve embraced leaving the cycle of verbal abuse in the dust.  I’ve found true loves start.

You have to act out first; it makes you able to identify what you’re doing as you try to walk away from participating in the cycle of verbal abuse.  If you make the decision to leave the cycle of verbal abuse it has to be a firm decision and you have to commit yourself to the walking away from the cycle of verbal abuse and all of the destructive patterns that got you where you are.  You have to recognize when you’re spinning before you can stop.  You have to own what you’re doing before a lasting change can take hold in your life.  You have to recognize when you’re on a step and which step you were on before you reacted.  You’ll begin to see yourself as you act out then you can see yourself and will finally have the ability to admit to yourself that you’re a participant in the cycle of verbal abuse.

You have to own the truth about yourself before you can walk away from the cycle of verbal abuse.  You can ask yourself, was I feeling lonely when I reacted that way, or was I feeling angry, or was I afraid and that’s why I reacted to what was just spoken?  You’ll see yourself cycling when you get serious about laying down the cycle of verbal abuse so you too can feel whole and complete but of course that depends on how badly you want to find true loves start.

Watch yourself and ask yourself if you were you angry, hurt, lonely, fearful, or worried before you reacted to what was said when someone speaks their thoughts, opinions or speaks their emotion of anger to you about your wrongdoing?  Stop when you recognize yourself participating in the cycle and ask yourself what step were you’re on before you leaped to your platform of blame because you’re feeling the need to slap their name. 

Ask yourself which step you bolted from to arrive at blame as you want to jump into the cycle of verbal abuse and remain insane.  You have to label what you’re doing in order to recognize yourself so you can stop and walk away from the cycle of verbal abuse.  You have to journal all your pain away and you also have to identify what step you were on before you leaped to blame and returned fire. 

It’s time for all of you to stop participating in this dreadful cycle but you need to know it’s like a tiger that will need to be tamed; it’s very hard to recognize yourself and admit your real name.  You have to teach yourself to shut up when something is spoken to you that you didn’t like.  You have to realize that the person was not inviting you to fight.  You have to learn to keep your emotions to yourself as you identify what you’re feeling instead so you can find the held onto resentment, grudges or offense you’ve stuffed and ignored.  You have to take the time to stop and feel what your emotions experience when something is spoken to you that you didn’t like.  It’s extremely hard to get back in touch with all your good emotions after you’ve lived a life of feeling so numb.

You have to see the truth about yourself first before you can turn away and stop participating in the cycle of verbal abuse so that you too can find true loves start and give someone a whole heart not a heart half baked.  You can’t give someone your heart when you don’t even have full possession of it.  You have to own the condition of your heart and admit to yourself the condition your heart is in before you can take ownership of your heart and have possession of it.  When you have possession of your whole heart is when you can give it away. 

I know that the behavior patterns and steps that lead me to abuse have not been obliterated from my life but I do know for a fact that the doing these habitual behaviors are no good for me any longer, which is more than I can say for the rest of you.  Are you ready to leave the cycle of verbal abuse far behind or do you intend to embrace this truth in theory alone and expect to find true loves start none the same?  You won’t find true loves start if you can’t admit to doing your part.  Do you even want to give the whole of your heart or would you rather only begin and stay at the start and be the cause of another’s broken heart?  Are you going to buy a set of white wall tires and cruse “The Last Miracle Mile” or not?

Armed with the knowledge I’ve now attained from attending thirty six weeks of domestic violence classes on top of the many conferences and classes that I’ve attended about the human condition of man throughout fifteen states, I’ve been armed with the knowledge you need to embrace. 

I’m trying my best to stay clear from playing my part to the cause of another’s broken heart.  My whole heart to you I now impart.  I was always searching for the way home to my heart so a whole heart was mine to impart.  My efforts are real even though I keep finding myself drawn to make the same mistakes I at least know I’ve left the starting gate, even though I’m drawn to make the same mistakes.  Won’t you please join me and become an advocate for child abuse prevention?  Come and do your social work for your children and grandchildren’s sake.