// Wednesday, February 13, 2008 // 10:03 AM // Kitchen Table //

I must give the impression
That I have the answers for everything
You were so disappointed
To see me unravel so easily
—-
And it's only changed
Only everything I know
Even the things that seem still
Are still… changing
—-
I stay focused on details
It keeps me from feeling the big things
But watch the microscope long enough
Things that seem still are still changing

-Ben Folds "Still"

For those of you that don't know me, I'm a huge fan of Ben Folds. I know, some of his music is pretty terrible lyrically, and I definitely wouldn't advise listening to it if you struggle with profanity. But I'm a big believer in the fact that truth and grace can reside inside the most unexpected places. And for me, in the middle of this song, there's a strong residue of God that I can't avoid when I listen to it.

This is kind of what I'm working through right now, specifically in my marriage. Being broken, open, honest. Watching the façade that I've built fall and being crushed under its weight. It's a painful place, a place I don't want to be for long. It's hard to stand in the light and look at yourself honestly… to see the ugliness that you've been trying to avoid and realize that not only can you not avoid it, but you have to deal with it in some way.

But on the other side of the hurt and shock, it's a beautiful mess. It's where God lives… in a broken and contrite heart, in a humbled whisper of surrender. I'm finding God in a new way, a way that doesn't hide and doesn't run away from brokenness. But embracing who I am as a fallen and broken man, and looking to God to satisfy my needs and desires in this moment.

These verses are resonating with me now. They used to be cold, but now as I read them they're drawing up emotion out of me like a well. And I know God is close.

Praise the Lord, o my soul;
All my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, o my woul;
And forget not his benefits—
Who forgives all your sins
And heals all your diseases
Who redeems your life from the pit
And crowns your head with love and compassion
Who satisfies your desires with good things
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
-psalm 103:1-5