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September 24, 2007 - Monday
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Current mood:  amused Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
I know that every generation thinks that the generation that came before them is out of touch with what is "cool." As a result, every generation uses fashion, among other things, to differentiate themselves from their parents' generation. That's their excuse. What's ours? How do we explain so many adults walking around looking like freaks? I have a few observations about fashion that I want to share with you. This will likely have everyone screaming at me and calling me an asshole but that won't be anything new. Since I am nothing if not a gentleman, ladies first.
Ladies, no matter what you think you look like or what you are trying to hide, if your makeup is entering the room more than 30 seconds before your face clears the doorway, it's too much. I see women walking around with faces that are so slathered in coatings and colors, they look like the side of the Partridge Family bus. You should spend more time kissing each other. Not just because that is SO HOT but because if you did, you would know what men know: Kissing lips or a face buried in thick layers of lipstick or makeup is like licking a crayon. Here's a simple test that should make it all clear. Take your concealer and dip your finger in it. Now put it in your mouth and suck on it. See what I mean? Tastes like crap, doesn't it? Kissing someone and getting a mouthful of that stuff is very unpleasant. Besides, studies have shown that the heavily made-up look scores well below the natural look on the attractiveness scale, unless you are lucky enough to have your man be one of those that is turned on by the "hooker" look.
While we're on the subject of hookers, (and I can't believe I have to say this) no matter what kind of legs you have, it is possible for a skirt to be too short. A good rule of thumb is, if your skirt is so short from the waistband to the hem that people could easily mistake it for a belt, you may have gone too far. Speaking from a male perspective, men want to wonder what kind of panties you're wearing, not know. If you sit down across from me and my first thought is, "That's weird…I thought today was Monday," you need a longer skirt. Now, I'm not saying that you all need to adopt the Little House on the Prairie look but, no matter what Madonna told you, "Hey Sailor, look at THIS!" is not sexy. Which brings me to your breasts. (Okay, it isn't the ONLY thing that brings me to your breasts but anyway…)
Big, ginormous, fake boobies look just as stupid as me stuffing a cucumber down my pants and trying to look casual. Both men and women can spot fake hooters as easily as spotting a toupee and they look just as silly. I know what you're thinking but that only proves you don't remember my post about how to tell the difference between a guy and a man. Guys can't go two seconds without salivating at the thought of huge, blimpesque boobs. A man won't care about the size of your breasts. Is it really worth the laughter, expense and health risks to appeal to a bunch of immature morons? I guess that depends on whether you are trying to attract a guy or a man. As with makeup, natural is better, regardless of size. Speaking of size, I have a few questions and tips for the fellas…
First, let me draw you a picture. You're walking down the street and you see this coming toward you…He's six feet tall and about 160 pounds. He's bald. He has a 30 inch waist but his pants have a 36 inch waist. He would be holding them up but he has a 48 inch belt that he has used, not to cinch them around his waist but around his skinny thighs, just below his skinny hips. The crotch of his jeans hovers between his knees and the extra two feet of belt is dangling and flopping between his legs like a skinny, braided Phallic symbol. Although, if he was shirtless, you would be able to count his ribs from across the street, he's wearing a T-shirt, size XXXL. Basically, if you added a knit cap pulled down to his eyebrows, he'd look like a giant Eric Cartman. Believe it or not, he is convinced that the ladies think he's hot.
Since guys are not generally known for oozing fashion sense from every pore (REALLY? You ask, incredulous) let me give you fellas a few hints. Women our age are not impressed with this look. Before you get your hopes up, my stepdaughter and her friends laugh at you, too. You look like an idiot. Actually, that was a little harsh and I'm sorry. You look like a homeless cancer patient. It's as if you have been very sick for a long time, you're out of a job and you can't afford a new wardrobe. As a result, you are forced to schlep around in the same clothes you wore two years ago, when you weighed three hundred pounds. I ask guys why they dress like this and they tell me because they want to be comfortable. Really? It's comfortable to walk around holding your pants up all day? I actually see guys walking around with the waistband of their pants bunched up in their fist as they glide down the street, keepin' it real. I have seen guys fail to escape the police because when they ran away they forgot to hold their pants up and they slithered down their legs, sending them sprawling, flat on their faces. A guy in jail who was wearing his pants in this fashion tried to start a fight with me once. I simply placed my foot in the area between the crotch of his pants and his actual crotch and pushed. He sprawled backward onto the floor and actually had to slither out of his pants and leave them behind, under my foot, to get away from me. Not a cool look, not a practical style. But, Alan, what about shorts, you ask? I'll tell you. If you don't believe what I am about to say, ask the girls. They know it's true and can explain it to you. When the bottom edge of your shorts falls between your knees and your ankles, you aren't wearing shorts anymore. You're wearing Coolats. Like I said, ask the girls. They all wore them when they were like, nine. Speaking of girls clothes, when did guys start wearing those little socks I used to buy for my daughter when she was a toddler? You know, booties. When did booties become macho? I'm not saying you need to be wearing knee socks but does the phrase "happy medium" mean anything to you? As long as we're discussing the feminization of male America, I want to go back to those staysails you call T-shirts for a moment. Have you ever seen a petite little woman wear the T-shirt of her 6' 4", 275 pound husband while she pads sleepily around the house in the morning? She looks so cute swimming around inside that big, billowy shirt, doesn't she? Well, you don't, okay? I used to think men's fashion had hit rock bottom back in the 80's when you all started wearing loafers with no socks and bunching up the sleeves of your pastel sport jackets around your elbows. Everybody was Crockett and Tubbs. I didn't think it was possible but you have found a way to make yourselves look even sillier. You don't look tough and you don't look cool. You just look like you can't be trusted to buy clothes unsupervised. It's one thing not to know your girlfriend's sizes. It's a whole other thing when you can't even get close when trying to guess your own.
Now, a brief word about "body art" and then you can all burn me in effigy. When I was young, the only people who had tattoos were big, hairy soldiers or big, hairy bikers. Things have gone off the track somewhere when you can watch a woman strip down to her panties and you are immediately overcome with a vision of Ernest Borgnine in The Poseidon Adventure. I have grown accustomed to small, pretty tattoos (as long as they aren't right in the middle of your face) but big, glaring tattoos make me think of big, hairy men. You can imagine how off-
big, glaring tattoos make me think of big, hairy men. You can imagine how off-putting that can be for a straight man. People have asked me why I don't have any tattoos and my instinctive reaction is to reply that I do not need attention that badly. I don't mean that to sound the way it does but at least it's honest. Just as doing something that is not natural is an excellent way to attract attention, covering yourself with something that is not natural (like swaths of brightly colored ink) would probably be an efficient way to achieve the same result. Speaking of craving attention…
Two girls are walking down the street. They see a cute guy. The following is a transcript of their conversation...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Girl One: "Hey! Check him out! He's HOT! The only thing that could possibly make him sexier is if he shoved a two foot piece of rebar through the bridge of his nose and attached it to a giant steel rivet in his bottom lip with a double length of tow chain. Mmmmm…"
Girl Two: "I don't know…maybe if he had six or eight fishhooks jammed through his eyelids…" Ears, eyebrows, eyelids, noses, lips, tongues, cheeks, chins, necks, breasts, genitals. Now, I have no problem with people who have pierced ears, as long as they don't look like they ripped off the entire fasteners aisle at Home Depot. On the other hand, when I see the people who have attached so much metal to their faces that it looks like their head is magnetic, do you know what I think? I think I live in Florida, the Lightning Capital of the United States. Don't get me wrong, I'm not HOPING they get hit by a bolt from the Blue but I am anticipating it. Anyone who passed fifth grade Science would be anticipating it. Call me Mr. Wizard but damnit, I'm curious. Remember that movie, "Scanners?" I picture that happening. They're just walking along and before you can say "conductive," ZAP! They get nailed and then their head explodes and eight pounds of schrapnel goes flying in all directions. They die instantly, while all around them, people are dropping with schrapnel wounds like it was the Tet Offensive. "Apocalypse Now" on South Beach. Understand, I know there are perfectly practical reasons for piercing bizarre parts of the body that have nothing to do with getting attention. For instance, it would make perfect sense to drill a hole through one's penis and
shove a napkin ring through it. Then you could jam a couple of towel rings through your nipples and attach those to the napkin ring with a couple lengths of chain. However, (and this is VERY important) remember to make the chains extra long. That way, if you stand up straight, you won't…well, you get the picture. OUCH!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going down to the Piercing Pagoda. Won't Anita be surprised when she gets home? I'm going to be sooo SSSEXXXYYY!
1:03 PM
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