There are no spoilers in this review beyond what you can see in the trailer above, aside from me talking about the sequence of the events you see in the trailer and my mention of the attempts to recruit outside help (without details beyond that), which you could have figured out they'd try anyway so don't act surprised. Actually, rewatching the trailer, the psychic guy is in it for a hot second so I didn't spoil it at all. Go me.

So for those of you not in the know, Paranormal Activity is the latest low budget, documentary style horror movie. It is currently in limited release in select cities and getting a great buzz. So I decided to wander out and see it with some friends since it was playing here in LA. (PS if you want to see if it is playing in your area or you want to demand it come to your area, check out http://www.paranormalactivity-movie.com for more details.)

Now, before we start, it bears mentioning that I am the queen of freaky evil shit happening to me. Without getting into details, I've been scratched and bitten by things, cut by things, had things in my house and car, and generally had to deal with so much spooky shit that I have an exorcist on call. I've had my apartment exorcised 3 times in the past 4 years. Inexplicable and downright terrifying things happen to me a lot. So I was obviously creeped out by going to watch this movie since, as Karri put it, "doesn't this kind of shit happen to you?"



Essentially, the movie follows two twenty-somethings as they attempt to document the various creepy shit that is happening to them. Now, I need to state here that I really liked this movie and found it genuinely scary and I encourage everyone to go see it. However, it didn't freak me out like most horror movies do because it was hard to suspend disbelief for me. It wasn't that the effects weren't great - they were. It was so mind-blowingly simple; things like 'nothing' lifting the sheets or slamming a door or even just creepy sounds but the movie had such a great sense of pacing and atmosphere in the scary sequences that even the smallest things are fucking horrifying.

My problem with the movie was the reactions of the characters. They are the most blasé motherfuckers on the planet because it becomes pretty motherfucking clear pretty motherfucking quickly that some bad ass motherfucker is motherfucking out to get them - and its not Samuel L. Jackson. At first, its little shit that can be explained, like moving doors and whatever. But when the Ouija board scene happens that is referred to in the trailer, they are given incontrovertible proof that something evil is in their house. (Watch the movie and, trust me, you'll see what I mean.) They watch the tapes of the creepy shit that happens at night every morning when they wake up so they are seeing, in 'real time' that something evil is coming to get them. And their attitude is to keep filming!

Dude. Seriously.



I'm an atheist and the second that shit happened to me, my ass would be in a fucking church. I'm so not kidding. When shit has happened to me that is even REMOTELY paranormal, I'm on the phone to Dave having him exorcise my house. A month or so ago, when both Jeffree and I were convinced there was a ghost in our place, I had out sage, several ceremonial oils, silver chains with iron holy objects on each limb, and a vial of salt around my neck. I do NOT fuck around with paranormal-ass shit. Fuck. That. I go to defcon 5 if a light so much as FLICKERS in the general vicinity of my neighborhood. Dude, if my door slammed shut on its own right now, I'd be screaming and throwing salt everywhere! I have a huge bottle by my bed, don't think I don't! (If you're not familiar with common beliefs about spirits, it is said that spirits can't cross a line or circle of salt.) In fact, I just went and threw down lines of salt in the doorway just to be safe.

And that is what got me about Paranormal Activity. Not only is the guy such a douchebag that I started praying for him to die violently within 20 minutes of the opening but they were both not as hysterical as, I think, any normal person would be.

As you can see in the trailer, there is a moment (AFTER THE OUIJA BOARD SHIT, which, when you see the movie you will understand why I would have been locked up in the Vatican) where Douchebag Boyfriend Micah decides to put powder in the hall and doorway where they keep hearing the footsteps. They wake up and find THREE TOED FUCKING FOOTPRINTS IN THEIR BEDROOM! I'm sorry, I'm a strong and brave woman but I'd be sobbing hysterically and breaking out the crosses and holy water. I mean, SERIOUSLY. What normal human being in the WORLD wouldn't be having an absolute meltdown and calling every priest, paranormal expert, psychic, and goth kid in the phone book!



That was why, though I really liked the movie and it had some good scares, I ultimately couldn't be that frightened of it. It was just too unbelievable that any rational human being wouldn't be a million times more frightened and pro-active than the couple in the movie was. And (this is something of a spoiler but not really), it really annoyed me that every fucking time anything happened, they grabbed the camera before turning on a light or going towards the sound of their significant other screaming. I'm sorry, if the person you love is flipping out or missing from your bedroom or what the fuck ever, you don't grab the video camera.

The movie does make a decent attempt to try and explain why they are filming every second (because the boyfriend is a douchebag) and why they don't call in experts sooner (because the boyfriend is a douchebag). They even have some decent reasoning about why the experts can't come sooner (its the annual Transylvanian Demonologist Conference and Orgy and they are all out of the country). But they fact of the matter is, when going through something that distressing, you wouldn't just shrug your shoulders and keep filming because the first paranormal dude you googled was out of town. You'd be all over that house with sage and holy water, calling in priests and psychics, and running down to the library to look up what they had on "how to get something evil as fuck out of my goddamn house before sundown tonight".



I encourage everyone to go see this movie because, despite my criticisms, its still a really good film. Like I said, the actual pacing and atmosphere that it creates is really incredible. And the ending is fucking frightening! Everyone I went to see it with is freaked out and everyone else I know who has seen it thought it was terrifying. Just know when you go that the people in the movie have an irritating amount of apathy towards the paranormal activity they are encountering and try not to let that ruin the 'documentary' feeling of the movie for you as it did for me. Just imagine you're watching a documentary about really, really stupid people who desperately need to be killed by something in a really horrible manner for their sheer lack of motivation to save themselves. Which, pretty much, you are!